Comfort in the Midst of Chaos

A Bad Case of the Gimmes

2012-01-31T06:30:00.000-06:00

Don't be obsessed with getting more material things. Be relaxed with what you have. Since God assured us, "I'll never let you down, never walk off and leave you,"... (Hebrews 13:5, MSG)

I am as guilty of it as the next person -- that "unholy habit of discontent", as author Linda Dillow* describes it. I am blessed with a lovely suburban home, but I want a better one. I have three beautiful children, but I want healthy, problem-free kids. I have the best medical care in the world, but I want a cure.

It occurred to me a number of days ago that we, as adults are not unlike our children, brimming with avarice. The kids just get one thing checked off of their list, and they want something more. They have the DS, and the DSi, but now they want the 3DS. We shake our heads in shame and discouragement, wondering how we have failed as parents that our children can't see the boundless blessings strewn in front of them. Yet, we're hardly different than they.

When I quiet myself and disengage from the busy-ness of this world, I have time to contemplate all of my blessings. I can take that moment to gaze up at a star-filled sky, realizing that every pinpoint of light is actually planet-sized. And my breath is taken away as I realize that the Creator of the Universe cares about every little detail of microscopic me! Or I can watch the evening news with stories from around the world of people suffering immense injustices like war, famine or disease. And I'm suddenly overwhelmed by the realization that there, but for the boundless grace of God, go I.

What about you? Have you stopped to pause from your strife with the school to notice the soft gentle curves of your child's face? Have you pulled away from the battles with the insurance company long enough to just enjoy small, tender moments with your special child? Have you spent time "marinating", as I like to call it, on the powerful but sweet ways God uses your family to touch people all around you?

Our calling as parents of children with unique abilities is not an easy one. And if we let the demands of this life suck every inch out of us, we can find ourselves in quite a pit of discontent. "The gimmes" are a natural result. Feeling we would be happy if only our child could finally adjust on a medication or if we finally came into some money or if we had just one extended family member who understood. But God calls us to have our focus upward. Let me remind you that He tells us, "Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Whatever happens, give thanks, because it is God’s will in Christ Jesus that you do this." (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, GWT)

Does God want us to give thanks for the horrid suffering and injustice that may beset us? Not necessarily. He's calling us to give thanks for the lavish blessings He's poured out in spite of those horrific things. When we're praying, relishing how good He is to us and offering thanks, our sight can't help but be focused heavenward. No matter what we lose, it is nothing in comparison to what we still have forever in Jesus. What amazing grace! And how incredibly useful that makes us in reflecting His glory to a dark, hurting world!

The next time you find yourself with a bad case of "the gimmes", stop to think how pathetic your children look in the same position. Grab hold of your thought process, and begin giving thanks! Ruminate on the notion that the God of the Universe will never leave you or forsake you. That's pretty awesome! What more could the little average human want?

Pray: Lord of all, You have been so gracious to me! Guard my heart so that I'm not lured into envying the things of this world. Thank You that the eternity you have assured me is far more than I could ever ask or imagine!

*Quote from Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow / ISBN 1-60006-141-9
Copyright © 2006 NavPress Publishing. All rights reserved.

FULL ACCESS

2012-01-27T06:30:00.000-06:00

Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. (Psalm 23:4c, NLT)

Since it was written somewhere between 1040 and 970 BC, countless thoughts have been shared about the 23rd Psalm. Nevertheless, with God's living and active word, it can touch us afresh today. As I was sitting in quiet time with the Lord, the Holy Spirit touched me with something deeper in regards to this beloved psalm to share with parents of children with special needs.

When we acknowledge that Christ's rod and staff are affecting us, we must also realize that He comes attached to those instruments. For those unfamiliar with the shepherd's equipment, know that the rod and the staff are used for rescue, discipline, keeping the herd on track moving in the right direction and for protection from attackers. The qualities of the One using these instruments is as key as the instruments themselves.

When we are led by the rod and staff of the Good Shepherd, we have full access to:

Wisdom -- I strongly encourage you to read 1 Corinthians 2! As parents of children with special needs, one of our high callings is to make wise decisions for these precious children. All too often, when I'm moving in my own strength rather than the Lord's, I find that discernment is foggy or I feel anxiety in not knowing what to do. But when I yield to Christ's rod and His staff, I am granted the mind of Christ by the power of the Holy Spirit. I can move forward knowing that even if I don't have a strong sense of what to do, the decision that God has guided me to will work out and will be covered by Him completely.
Compassion -- Read through the dozens of times God's compassion is cited in the Bible. Probably the best summary comes in Psalm 86:15, "But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness." (NIV) That tender mercy is not only extended to us through life's difficulties, but in yielding to the Shepherd's direction, flows through us to others so deeply in need of it.
Power -- Weak as we are, we need a strong Advocate, and that is exactly what we have in our majestic God! The same One who flung stars into space and raised Jesus from the grave is now living inside of you, if you are a follower of the Good Shepherd. The implications are awesome! No illness, financial difficulty or interpersonal struggles can dominate you. You are sheltered by the full power of the Lord of the Universe.
Glory -- Some of the definitions Merriam Webster Dictionary gives of the word "glory" include "renown" or "great beauty and splendor". That brilliant sense of awe, that had to be "tucked in" as Jesus appeared to be one who was just like us throughout the Incarnation, is available to take our breath away any time we care to meditate upon it. The virtually unfathomable glory of the One who leads me is what brings deep joy, strengthening hope and a sound peace no matter if I'm in a hospital or on a beach.

These are merely a miniscule fraction of the magnificent qualities available to us through Christ's rod and staff. Don't discount the growth, provision and replenishment provided through them as well. I pray that you take the time to reflect upon these things as you journey through your days. After all, special needs parenting can be a deepening knowledge of the remarkable character of God if only you will let it be!

Pray: Lord, I want to know you more and more! Be my Guide through this challenging life. Help me to see you in every part of it. Grow my joy as I grow in You.

INTERPRETERS

2012-01-24T06:30:00.000-06:00

He gives one person the power to perform miracles, and another the ability to prophesy. He gives someone else the ability to discern whether a message is from the Spirit of God or from another spirit. Still another person is given the ability to speak in unknown languages, while another is given the ability to interpret what is being said. (1 Corinthians 12:10, NLT)

Living in the special needs world for over a decade has changed me. Like much of the typical world, I used to only see symptoms and behaviors without seeing what is behind such things. I once saw kids with various diagnoses and thought they were "naughty" or had "bad parents". I watched families who had kids with physical maladies and wondered why they didn't push their child a bit more rather than acquiescing to the child's demands. God forbid, I probably even spoke about non-verbal children right in front of them without any thought that they might understand what I was saying.

As I look back, I see how God has increasingly melted my heart over the years. Frankly, I already saw change when I attended my first disability ministry conference in 2003. I was more than a bit unsettled by the crowd I found myself in. It was there that I met the Hukills, who have been friends ever since. Graciously sharing their story, humor and ministry experience helped me to understand that they were much like every other person. Jim was just a warm, wacky guy who had a body that wouldn't cooperate for him. By the end of that conference, God had changed my heart, impressing upon me, "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted..." (Psalm 34:18). So often, the disabled and their families are brokenhearted. If I was looking to be close to God, I need look no further than the disabled.

Fast forward through the past nine years of ministry, and I've seen kids with diagnoses of every kind who are held captive by what besets them. My own son may will for his blood to clot or for an injury not to take place, but much of it is out of his control. My own daughter may wish to sit still, be unaffected by sensory triggers or even get to sleep at night, but finds herself victim to her own body. And a busy, ignorant world whizzes past these innocents expecting what can't be given and ostracizing those in need of compassion.

How amazing that our Heavenly Father calls parents like us to the high purpose of being an interpreter for not only our own children, but others just like them! We, through our deep and constant experience with these children, are given a unique ability to translate behaviors into words that cannot be expressed. Extreme, wild frenzy may be a symptom of an allergic reaction. Avoidance might be translated as an extreme anxiety rather than childish obstinance. And passing up the birthday cake at the party may be the sign of a child learning to manage his own diabetes. There are countless subtleties we are gifted at interpreting to those around us who would not know otherwise. And because of the gift we have been uniquely given, we must be prepared to tell the special needs story again and again.

In the daily grind of a life affected by special needs, don't lose sight of the high purpose you hold in God's economy! You are a bridge-builder, every bit as much as those who share the Good News in foreign lands. The Holy Spirit reigns within you enabling that keen sense of discernment that He has fostered over the years. And your training in "the school of hard knocks" renders much value to every life you touch.

Pray: God, this is never a place I thought I would find myself or a language I would be equipped to interpret. But I know that You use all things for the good of those who love You. Help me to be a lifeline to both those who have special needs and to those who so desperately need to understand them.

An Incongruent Culture

2012-01-20T06:30:00.000-06:00

"Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter. Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes and clever in their own sight. Woe to those who are heroes at drinking wine and champions at mixing drinks, who acquit the guilty for a bribe, but deny justice to the innocent. Therefore, as tongues of fire lick up straw and as dry grass sinks down in the flames, so their roots will decay and their flowers blow away like dust; for they have rejected the law of the LORD Almighty and spurned the word of the Holy One of Israel. Therefore the LORD’s anger burns against his people; his hand is raised and he strikes them down. The mountains shake, and the dead bodies are like refuse in the streets." (Isaiah 50:20-25, NIV)

It started again last week. I found myself ruminating about the huge disconnect in our culture that I continue to witness in ever-increasing measure. Outrage flashed throughout media and internet venues at a furious pace with news of a little girl with cognitive challenges being denied a lifesaving kidney transplant at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP). While the hospital has denied the claim, vigorous conversation continued.

The full gambit of viewpoints could be feasted on out there. One blogger made the stark contrast between the struggles of the child being served by CHOP and her own beloved pet, while one of her readers defended how limited resources are used. Terri Mauro, About.com writer, made a powerful case affirming the value of children with special needs. And renowned bioethicist, Dr. Mark Mostert, sounded the warning once again for the impending doom of eugenics as he proclaimed the "The new scarlet letter is 'D' for disability, and those bearing it are judged as less worthy of treatment and life than the rest of us."

What strikes me most seriously is that we have become a conflicted, bipolar culture regarding the serious issue of the value of life. And now this issue has hit the door of our disability community with a battering ram. While our organization has had parents leave us in disgust because we are solidly pro-life, we have continued to comfort and strengthen those who are sickened and dismayed by true news accounts of things like the award of millions of dollars to parents who are suing because they weren't able to abort a child who was missing limbs at birth. The parents we comfort know that it's not a long stretch between the prenatal and postnatal discrimination against those who are uniquely-abled. One only needs to look to articles like a recent one from The National Post (Canada) to see that the culture is becoming more depraved in its valuing of some lives over others.

So, how do we square a society where the pro-choice worldview exists alongside the notion that anybody denying compassionate rights to the disabled is a knuckle-dragging barbarian? Ironically, the two views are actually not at opposite ends of the spectrum because they both operate under the premise that special needs are "not fair". One view thinks that this unfairness should be dealt with by avoiding it at all costs. The other thinks that the unfairness should be addressed by overcompensating for it.

As I am know to say to people, "This ain't heaven, baby!" The only solution to such a conundrum comes in pressing obediently into the sovereignty of our Maker. He made us. He knows what is best for us. He set the boundaries for our good, not our oppression. And when we challenge His authority, taking it into our own hands, calling right wrong and wrong right, we create a dangerous life for each of us. It never occurs to people that we are each merely one emergency room visit away from becoming a special needs family. The slope is beyond slippery when we decide who is worthy of life and who is not. While it may be far easier to dispose of another person than to sit down, get to know them and discover their personal giftedness, we may be sealing our own fate by taking that easier route. God help us in making this fatal, incongruent mistake! It is far beyond time the church start preaching this truth boldly!

Pray: God, You alone are the author and perfecter of all life. Help us to be wise stewards, not only with our own lives, but also with every life you have allowed to arrive on this earth!

HOARDERS

2012-01-17T06:30:00.000-06:00

So then, as Christians, do you have any encouragement? Do you have any comfort from love? Do you have any spiritual relationships? Do you have any sympathy and compassion? Then fill me with joy by having the same attitude and the same love, living in harmony, and keeping one purpose in mind. Don’t act out of selfish ambition or be conceited. Instead, humbly think of others as being better than yourselves. Don’t be concerned only about your own interests, but also be concerned about the interests of others. Have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.

Although he was in the form of God and equal with God,
      he did not take advantage of this equality.
Instead, he emptied himself by taking on the form of a servant,
      by becoming like other humans,
      by having a human appearance.
He humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death,
      death on a cross.
This is why God has given him an exceptional honor—
      the name honored above all other names—
       so that at the name of Jesus everyone in heaven, on earth,
            and in the world below will kneel
             and confess that Jesus Christ is Lord
      to the glory of God the Father. (Philippians 2:1-11, GW)

Reality television is a big hit these days. Just as soap operas and sitcoms used to dominate the airwaves, this genre of video entertainment can be found on virtually every network in various forms. My 9 year old fancies animal shows like "Hillbilly Hand Fishin'" and "Call of the Wildman" while my husband fixates on "Pawn Stars" and "American Pickers". Although I'm not much into that sort of entertainment, I have caught a few glimpses as I pass through the room. However, the one production that both vexes me and literally eats a hole in my stomach is "Hoarders".

Everything in this show screams of the utterly hopeless depravity of man. Episode after episode shares the stories of people avoiding the truth at all costs. Behaviors that shout "mine" and an unnatural attachment to stuff are on full display. And buildings once filled with boundless blessings have become squalor infested and rotting.

Repugnant as this may be, too many of us Christians are also hoarders, but with our dysfunction hidden within. We are spiritual gluttons. We feast on good books, Bible studies, sermons and fellowship. But we use the excuses of being too busy, being in a place of need or being justified in merely wanting to live as the rest of our middle class culture does in order to avoid sharing with others. We receive our comfort and become comfortable rather than becoming comforters. Sadly, we put our light under a basket. (See Matthew 5:14-16)

As this particular cable television show progresses from discovery of the individual's problem, things that were once useful get thrown away. Items that could have been a blessing to someone else have sat unsegregated from the garbage for so long that they too have become rubbish. It is an absolute shame.

Our spiritual blessings are no less similar. How many times we could have blessed someone walking a similar journey or with our understanding of difficulty, yet we kept those gifts to ourselves. We lose the ability to discern truth from lies and become toxic to ourselves as well as those near us.

In all honesty, all of us could do with some serious spiritual housecleaning. Why not start today? Look for ways you can serve rather than being served. Identify your spiritual gifts by reflecting on some of the big lessons in life God has taught you. Then pray for the Lord to bring people into your life who need to hear how He has worked in you. He will faithfully answer that prayer!

We are filled up to be poured out, friend. Praising God for your abundant blessings is good. But being the conduit to bless another is definitely intended to be part of the continuum. Don't find yourself on the ash heap of your life, ashamed of what you have let deteriorate. Live out the purpose God intended for you today!

Pray: Father, I know my life is not my own, yet I live it as if I'm deserving of being a god myself. Forgive me, Lord. Help me to pass on the abundant blessings you have shared with me. May the generosity of my life reflect Your goodness to everyone I come into contact with.

The Object of His Affection

2012-01-13T06:30:00.000-06:00

Long ago the LORD said to Israel: "I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself." (Jeremiah 31:3, NLT)

Motherhood, while a blessed profession, is so often a thankless one. How often it is to feel easily defeated, unnoticed, even unloved. While we get a peck on the cheek from the hubby or a needy embrace from our kids, it's easy to feel like a vending machine that's merely having a deposit made to get the desired concession. Add the demands of late night Emergency Room visits, therapy appointments, doing battle with schools, standing up to insurance companies, and it's easy to see why we moms of kids with special needs don't exactly feel like runway models!

But there's a sweet treasure we can marinate on despite our great lack of quiet time. We are the object of God's affection -- each and every one of us! Take a minute with me to hang out here and think about that for a bit. We were formed by God, for God. In His eyes, we're absolutely beautiful, no matter how disheveled we may look in the human sense. There's nothing we have to produce to earn or keep that love.

Now go deeper with me in hanging out on that thought. The Maker of the Universe is crazy about YOU! There's no expense He'd spare in His love for you. In fact, He'd even give up His own Son, so you could be with Him! (See Romans 8:32) He's concerned with every detail of your life, and He even thinks you're gorgeous without makeup!

The next time you find yourself feeling depleted as a wife and mother, take a deep breath, drop your shoulders and remember how insanely loved you are by the One who put the sun in orbit. Really let your brain process that for a minute! You have infinite worth, purpose and value just because of His love for you. As you let that seep in, lift your chin a bit higher and be energized by the Good News to take on the rest of your day.

Pray: Jesus, fill my mind fully with that sense of how richly deep your love for me is. May my humble gratitude for that love fill me with the energy and positive attitude I need to make it through each and every day of my life as a wife and mother.

GROW!

2012-01-10T06:45:00.001-06:00

"God’s divine power has given us everything we need for life and for godliness. This power was given to us through knowledge of the one who called us by his own glory and integrity. Through his glory and integrity he has given us his promises that are of the highest value. Through these promises you will share in the divine nature because you have escaped the corruption that sinful desires cause in the world.
Because of this, make every effort to add integrity to your faith; and to integrity add knowledge; to knowledge add self-control; to self-control add endurance; to endurance add godliness; to godliness add Christian affection; and to Christian affection add love. If you have these qualities and they are increasing, it demonstrates that your knowledge about our Lord Jesus Christ is living and productive. If these qualities aren’t present in your life, you’re shortsighted and have forgotten that you were cleansed from your past sins." (2 Peter 1:3-9, GW)

It never ceases to amaze me how we can fool ourselves even after we have started living a life of fully believing Jesus is our Savior. Too many of us respond to "the altar call", but then expect to go back to living the way we did before. We resist transformation and fight God at every turn. We are saved, but lose out on the rewards in the here-and-now intended for those who obey their Maker. (See 1 Corinthians 3:10-15) And how often I see people in Christian community using their children with special needs as a reason to opt out or be given a pass on spiritual stretching. (Ouch! I know that last one hurt!)

The fact is that God's best for us doesn't merely include crawling as a Christian. Just as a baby goes from a crawl to a walk to a run, so the Lord intends us to grow in ever-increasing measure into the image of His Son, Jesus Christ. (See 2 Corinthians 3:18) We are to roll up our sleeves and dig in deep. Transitioning from milk, to baby food, to solid food, to satisfying meat is the plan intended for us. (See Hebrews 5:12-14) And in feasting on meat, becoming spiritual adults, we find great purpose in being able to raise up the next generation of heaven's children. That spiritual diet is to result in acts of worship that include giving back rather than just remaining sponges.

How are you growing? Are you doing the same old things, being content with the status quo as a Christian? Or are you willing to be moved outside your comfort zone for Jesus? Do you hang around with only those who tell you what you want to hear, who require nothing of you? Or are you willing to face your flaws head on? Do you consider yourself to be a "good Christian" or are your actions born out a response to your realization of who you are in Christ?

Pray: My Savior, meet me where I am at. Grow me in ever-increasing measure into the image of your Son, Jesus Christ. May my progress somehow bring a smile to Your heart, Lord.

Bloom Where You Are Planted!

2012-01-02T16:08:00.001-06:00

"Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:11-13, NLT)

How often we look to the future with emotional expectation! We anticipate that our lives will improve, our moods will lighten and our spiritual growth will blossom, if only our circumstances are better. This is especially common as we flip the new calendar over. Psychologically, we place hopes on a new year bringing fewer trials and more cooperation in our families, jobs, finances and medical situations. Sadly, while this may seem like renewed joy, it ends up being more like a set-up for huge disappointment.

What if, instead, we bloomed where we are planted? What if we looked for God's activity in spite of our unfulfilled expectations? I don't know about you, but the prospect of feeling joy and value that transcends any circumstances in life is tremendously appealing to me. And we can know with full certainty that Jesus alone provides such transcendence. Time and again in God's word, the Bible, we see examples of His miraculous goodness in spite of tribulations. This isn't just a question of whether such contentment is possible. The knowledge that our Maker has repeated such behavior habitually gives us the assurance to watch for where and how it will happen.

God works the same way today as He did in Bible times. (Hebrews 13:8) We can see examples from those who survive and thrive all around us. Every person in whom the Holy Spirit dwells can be a Joni Eareckson Tada, a Mother Teresa, a Saint Paul. We need only to open our eyes to people in our midst who have that pleasantly peculiar quality despite the fact that we know they suffer great trials, and emulate them.

When we find ourselves drooping from life's challenges, we need only to reflect backward to recall how God has continually brought us through. Keeping a journal can be especially helpful for such reflection. I found myself doing such holy remembering this year. Unexpectedly losing my father in June, working together with my siblings to care for my elderly disabled mother, and enduring the trials of my mother's recent kidney cancer diagnosis all made the previous year heartbreaking. When my sister returned to her home half a country away after the holidays, it was easy to feel hopeless. Instead, I broke out last years journal, able to reflect on all the ways the Lord provided "exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think," (Ephesians 3:20, KJ21). In His tenderness, our Merciful Savior showed me word by word how He supplied all my needs and provided even better results than I had hoped for, even in spite of my suffering. Wow! It was hard to be anything but joy-filled and ready for God's use after that!

Let's begin afresh today, keeping in mind that we are the objects of Yahweh's love. With Him going before us, beside us and behind us, we can live in full joy and contentment no matter what challenges lay ahead. He has our best in mind. Our high calling is to share that Good News with everyone we come into contact with, whether by word or by deed. Let's bloom where we are planted all to the glory of our great God!

Pray: Lord, sometimes it feels as if my praise and my joy are contingent upon life going my way. Help me to live life differently, beginning today. Let me bloom where I am planted, so I can take full advantage of the opportunity to share with the world the reason for my blessed hope.

Finishing Well

2011-12-29T11:03:00.000-06:00

I have fought the good fight. I have completed the race. I have kept the faith. The prize that shows I have God’s approval is now waiting for me. The Lord, who is a fair judge, will give me that prize on that day. He will give it not only to me but also to everyone who is eagerly waiting for him to come again. (2 Timothy 4:7-8, GW)

As yet another year draws to a close, I find myself glad to put this year behind me. So many times it is far easier to look forward to improvement in the days ahead than it is to reflect on what we've just come through. For my own family, too many years have been riddled by trauma. We've had multiple years where there was an employment crisis. There have been years where we endured hospitalizations and numerous medical crises. Wrestling with schools, therapies or new diagnoses have often found us exhausted as a year draws to a close. And this year we slog through the grief of losing yet another grandparent while we situate their spouse in nursing home care.

Even if the difficulties of the past year cause us to want to put it behind us, there are rewards for just having shown up. God blesses faithful perseverance. Too often we feel like we need to get things right or have perfect outcomes in order for this to have been a good year. But the Lord merely calls us to hang in there and trust Him with the rest. Jesus has already covered over our imperfections. And God is the ultimate recycler, using all situations for our good and His glory!

In these last few days of the year, take some time to reflect on all that you have been brought through. How amazing that God has seen you through these things, the good, the bad, and the ugly! What a loving Father that He would care about our lives! While we may be glad to put the year behind us, we can also know that we finished well in faith because we survived the storms and are still here to tell about it. Just doing the next right thing, no matter what the circumstance, is what is pleasing to God.

Pray: Lord, thank You for all you have seen me through this year! I couldn't have made it without You.

GREAT EXPECTATIONS

2011-12-23T08:54:00.000-06:00

"No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame..."
(Psalm 25:3, NIV)

Part of the wonder of the Christmas season is watching the eyes of children glow with excitement and anticipation of all involved in the celebration. Squealing with delight over culinary creations and intricately wrapped gifts becomes music to the ears of all who hear. And the joy can't help but spill over to everyone who dares to abandon themselves to the mirth.

But what happens when life doesn't turn out quite the way we expect? Oh, how our hearts are crushed! I would venture to say that we would be shocked if we truly knew how much time we spend grieving over what never turned out quite as we thought it might or as it will never be. Fathers weep privately over wheelchair-bound sons that will never run at a track meet or over fragile sons that will never play football. Mothers long to hear their names called out from the lips of their non-verbal youngsters. Grandparents tie themselves up with worry over the future productivity of their challenged grandchildren. And so it goes on. These are real hurts and disappointments that we would all hope to move beyond.

Add to these broken dreams of life the largely unrealistic outlook we have towards the holiday season, and you have a toxic mix! Family members are often completely insensitive to the plight of our children's challenges. Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents and friends expect all children to be completely polite, well-behaved, fancily dressed angels this time of year. We expect everyone to be compassionate and have an understanding of what we live with on a daily basis. Both are entirely unreasonable. And waiting for situations to have the desired outcome only makes a time of great holiness completely stressful and misdirected.

One of the many great blessings yielded by my BSL (Bible Study Ladies) studies this year has been learning to pray "serious prayers". And one of those prayers with the greatest impact in my life has been learning to, "Pray that all your expectations will be in Christ alone!" As many of us do, I come from a family background riddled with the failings of being a control freak. It has taken me countless years to cease trying to bridle the uncontrollable in my life. Nevertheless, disappointment still has its insidious way of creeping into many parts of our psyche that we never even knew existed.

The beautifully liberating piece of the puzzle has come to me as I literally get face-down on my living room floor each morning, dissecting the parts of my life where I suddenly see I do have my own agenda of expectations. I surrender those pieces to Him. I pray for the Holy Spirit to crowd out the selfish parts of me. More of Him and less of my self-absorbed nature! And then I fall fully into the request to let all my expectations be in Christ alone.

Something truly amazing happens when we pray this way! When we make a deliberate effort through prayer to align our will with His, God is faithful to answer affirmatively. He will shape us in ever-increasing measure into the image of His beautiful Son when we willingly agree to it. And we find peace and freedom from the godless circumstances of this world because all of our joy rests fully in the Unchanging One.

My prayer for every reader during this Christmastide is that all of your expectations would rest fully in the Babe who humbled Himself, leaving His glorious heaven to live amongst us for 33 years. May the joy of the salvation He provided through that pain and humility give you peace and restoration no matter what you may face this year!

Pray: "You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you." ~ Augustine of Hippo

* For more information on "Praying Serious Prayers" please e-mail either barb@snappin.org or margo@margofieseler.com

Don't Forget the Batteries!

2011-12-20T06:30:00.000-06:00

"...And how very great is his power at work in us who believe. This power working in us is the same as the mighty strength which he used when he raised Christ from death and seated him at his right side in the heavenly world." (Ephesians 19-20, GNT)

We've turned the corner on Christmas! It's the last week of Advent, and the stretch to the holiday is here.

How often in these days prior to our celebration do we hear in stores and on television, "Don't forget the batteries"? These compact cells of electrochemical energy are the power source for toys, cameras, electronic entertainment and so many other things we depend on to fully enjoy our Christmas. One doubt of how much we rely on these essential items is wiped away when we make the fatal mistake of forgetting them. Nothing can dampen the event like not having the needed power to bring things to life.

Funny how this becomes a no-brainer when it comes to getting an electronic device to work, but is so easily forgotten in our spiritual life! Life is demanding, especially this time of year. Yet, how often do we, as followers of Jesus forget "the batteries"? We try to tackle every need, every dilemma and every temptation on our own. Yet, there is a power source we were given when we invited Jesus into our lives as Savior, Lord and Leader that we fail to plug in.

What I am speaking of is that gift of the Holy Spirit within us. In theory, there is a new Person in control in our lives when we accept Jesus' free gift of salvation. Yet, we often "forget the batteries". We try to continue handling life in our own power, which by comparison to God's is no power at all. Consumed by a frantic schedule, we jump into the day without even plugging in to our very source.

This fall I had the blessed opportunity to learn about and spend time with that Source at the BSL Retreat "Captivated: Led by the Spirit". There, my sweet friend Margo, led us through an awesome weekend where we got to know the Holy Spirit as a Person, who wants an intimate, personal relationship with each individual. He dwells within us and guides us with His supreme wisdom and strength. In Him, we have all we will ever need for any situation. But we must open our ears to hear His voice through both His Bible and our conscience.

Do you feel like you are hanging by a thread this Christmas? The Holy Spirit is your Comforter. He will keep you in His strength and peace through all of the demands and frenzy of celebration. Are you anxious about dealing with family or children? Give the Spirit full control over the situation, and breathe in that sigh of relief. Rest and trust in His goodness. Do you find yourself unsure of how to manage the holiday with few financial resources and many concerns about your child's behavior at church, school or home? Share the concerns of your heart with that Person who indwells you. Listen for His wisdom as He shares a fresh word with you from God's word or reminds you of scripture you have already written on your heart. He will grant you the discernment and perspective that is so very needed at times like this.

Praise God that you have everything you need to make this a special, meaningful Christmas with those you love! All you need to remember is "Don't forget the Batteries"!

Pray: Holy Spirit, you give new meaning when I read that You will supply all my needs. Your provision goes far beyond what is material to what is divine. Help me to remember now that I don't have to tackle everything on my own. I can rely on the fullness of Your power and wisdom to care for me in every way. That is truly awesome!

Measuring In Inches Instead of Miles

2011-12-15T06:30:00.000-06:00

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." (Ecclesiastes 3:11, NIV)

There are too many days when I feel like I'm getting nowhere fast. I spin my wheels, feeling like I'm working on the same problems over and over again. I see my children, and too often I feel like there is no progress. Rooms are still dirty. Sibling quarrels still flare up. Bad behaviors still persist.

In these frustrating, defeated moments of motherhood, parents like me need to measure our children's progress in inches rather than miles. A readjustment of how we assess things is called for. While the annoying triggers of sensory processing disorder are something we would all like to see disappear with the snap of our fingers, it's unrealistic. And great progress has been made when we discover one new tool to a sensory diet or a child has become desensitized enough to sit through hair-brushing just one minute longer. While it may seem like bathroom issues will never resolve, it is a step forward when we have a few less soiled pairs of underwear to wash in a week. While we may wish would could tell a child suffering from anxiety, "Snap out of it!" and have the child calmed, we can consider ourselves moving in the right direction if our child can remember to do some deep breathing one more time this week. While we would love for our child to be in perfect health, we're blessed when we've had one less hospital visit this year than in the previous year.

The fact is that our lives may never be what others would consider "normal", but in working on certain issues, we can feel like we've made progress using a different "yardstick". For example, the professionals working with us on my youngest child's IEP recently broke down for us each piece of her previous years goals. When we examined where she was just one short year ago, the difference was remarkable to us. Last year, she was disruptive in class, blurting out frequently, socially disconnected from others, a sloppy printer and apathetic learner. Already her special education plan has helped her monitor herself in class, cut way down on disruptions, develop some new friendships, begin some lovely cursive writing, and begin to develop systematic learning habits. It's easy to lose sight of this progress in the every-day demands of life, but it is huge! We simply need to assess accomplishments in a markedly different way.

Furthermore, we must not succumb to the distaste others have for our children. How many parents are marginalized by relatives, friends or neighbors who whisper insults about their child? At heart-wrenching times like these, we must keep in mind that God is doing a perfect work in our children. Those outside of the immediate situation are utterly clueless as to what is involved with parenting our sons or daughters. Every child is "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14), and only their Creator knows the perfect timing to bring that child's character and abilities into their full completion. God doesn't make mistakes. He loves our children immeasurably more than we ever could. Knowing this, we must be patient and cooperate with the time it takes to shape their progress.

Pray: Abba Father, sometimes I feel stuck and defeated as a parent. Open my eyes to the improvements being made. Help me to remember that children don't grow in a day! Grant me endurance and perspective. And comfort me as I learn to cooperate with Your timing.

When Joy Moves In

2011-12-13T07:49:00.000-06:00

“Surely you know how it has been from of old, ever since mankind was placed on the earth, that the mirth of the wicked is brief, the joy of the godless lasts but a moment." (Job 20:4-5, NIV)

I flicked on the TV in the kitchen to catch the days news as I prepared dinner last night. Immediately, I was bombarded with commercials that did an excellent job of making a 30 second case for why their product was the ultimate way to obtain joy. The first was from a cable company. Really? If I subscribe to this cable company and add on extra services I'll have a good-looking spouse who embraces me and delights in surprising me? The next was for a car company. You mean the ultimate Christmas joy looks like giving my spouse a new vehicle with a giant bow on top of it? Wow! I'm not going to have a good holiday if I can't afford that.

It occurred to me that the joy the world tries to seduce us with is utterly hopeless. Cable TV goes out or the price goes up, leaving us frustrated or dissatisfied over time. Cars need maintenance and repair. Ultimately every vehicle needs to be replace. Name your desire in this world -- relationships, health, vacations, material possessions, power, money. Every single bit of it is fleeting!

So in this fourth week of Advent where the theme is joy, how can we obtain this seemingly elusive quality, and what does it exactly meant? Let me answer the second question first by describing what joy is not. Joy is not necessarily happiness. It is not having everything go our way. It is not security or possessions or healthy relationships.

Joy transcends our circumstances. If you look at the Bible's many references to joy, you will see that the Greek word "chara", which means delight, is tied directly to God. In fact, my impression in reading through all 242 verses where the word is used, most commonly involves a remembrance of what the Lord has just done for a person or a group. In other words, joy is that delight, that contentment in knowing that no matter what the circumstances are now, God has been faithful before and He will be faithful again.

During the remaining days before Christmas, spend some quiet time in God's word. Even if you have to get up a few minutes earlier or stay up a few minutes later, time alone with Him is well worth the sacrifice. Look at the eye-witness accounts of seemingly impossible situations that the Lord brought people through. Is anything too tough for Him? (see Jeremiah 32:27) Now look at your own life and delight in the fact that your Creator has numbered every hair on your head. (see Luke 12:7) If He cares that deeply for you, can you not trust that He is big enough to see you through any of life's difficulties?

Contemplating such things should bring you great joy during a season where things can be chaotic and misguided. Such joy is a lasting, deep contentment in knowing Who the sure foundation of your life is. And He cared enough to humble Himself and live amongst us for 33 years all for our benefit. Certainly nothing the world has to offer can match that!

Pray: Lord, it is so easy to focus on what I do not have as the world bombards me with advertising and the kids whine for possessions this time of year. Help me to abide in Your deep joy that is not brief, but everlasting.

From the Inside Out

2011-12-06T10:15:00.001-06:00

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.” (Matthew 7:24-27)

How are you doing with your holiday stress level? It's only the second week of the Advent Season, and I'm sure you are struggling with balance just as I am. There are all the demands that, while perennial, seem to catch us by surprise every year. There never seems to be enough time to do the cleaning, the baking, the card writing, the shopping, the entertaining and the wrapping. Christmas programs at school and church juggle the schedule along with any related parties. And as the children grow, the dynamics of the phase they are in brings something new to adjust to. Will their sensory issues be able to handle this years food, noise and clothing? Is Santa real, and how are we dealing with that? Are they self-regulating enough this year to get adequate sleep and control their excitement? Add a couple of appointments for doctors and therapy, and a parent of a child with special needs is beyond the tipping point!

How ironic that the second week of Advent is supposed to be focused on the theme of peace! Or is it? What if this really is the perfect time to confront that issue in our lives? What if that One who was born in the most chaotic of circumstances is the cure for our stress? What if our peace has little to do with what is happening outside of us and everything to do with what is in our core?

That's the Good News that the humble Christ child came to bring us, if only we will quiet ourselves enough to listen. Through the power of the Holy Spirit He sent to dwell within us, there is that "peace that surpasses all understanding." (Philippians 4:7) When we give God ourselves fully, when we obey Him in increasing measure, when we devour His word like a box of chocolate truffles, He can and will change us from the inside out. We will be like that house built on rock where life buffets against us, but doesn't destroy us. And we can still reflect the joy of Christmas in the midst of our challenges without having to pretend. When we know and trust that our faithful Father has it all handled, we can take a deep breath and know goodness in the storm.

Don't you want people to look at you and think, "I want what they have!"? You have the perfect platform to proclaim the peace and goodness of God. But you cannot give what you do not have to begin with. This Christmas season, realize that salvation isn't your Creator's only gift to you. Consume that heavenly peace He reserves for those who belong to Him. And watch your world change!

Prayer: My God, I know that it is humanly impossible to force myself to have peace in the midst of life's swirling storms. This Christmas, help me to actually open up and use the gift of peace which you left me by the power of the Holy Spirit when I invited you into my life. Do Your work in me as only You can do!

Let Every Heart Prepare Him Room

2011-11-28T06:33:00.001-06:00

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." (Psalm 51:10, NIV)

Every year we spend the day after Thanksgiving decorating our home for Christmas while the Black Friday shoppers attack with their avarice. The kids were wonderful this year and entered in to the work with festive joy. They each played a vital role in the team, packing up Autumn decorations, dusting, washing windows and folding laundry so we could get the place clean before we began to deck-the-halls. Together we had many giggles as I watched my monkeys climb the maple tree outside to hang sparkling ornaments blowing in the winter breeze. Inside, the carols were ringing and the tubs of trimmings were beckoning.

The house looked like a bomb went off in it after we had brought plastic totes up from the basement containing what we needed to get the job done. I was cranky from the claustrophobia of having stuff everywhere, and I was anxious to get things in order. I couldn't wait to get the ugliness and litter out. I just knew there was joyful beauty waiting underneath the disastrous mess!

During my quiet hours of Bible time and prayer in the early morning, God gave me a great insight. You see, I have struggled with ungodly emotions and behaviors. Bitterness, a short temper, selfishness are much like the clutter that I need to get out of my life. I'm growing in the Lord, but too often it seems to get worse before it gets better. I am motivated by celebrating a glorious good God, and I just know the Holy Spirit within me can transform. But as I pull things out in my life, it almost seems at times like I'm moving in the exact opposite direction.

How very much this resembles our Christmas decorating! I see that I need to pack away resentment, but things are a bit messy before I incorporate selflessness into my life. My irritability needs to be washed away, but it takes some time before His perfect peace is established where I reside. The cleaner I get things, the more I realize I need to get cleaned. The joy of God's glory is crowded out by all my stuff, and the only way to reveal it is to deal with one undesirable piece at a time. It all seems so overwhelming. And too often I only feel like I'm making things worse instead of moving in a positive direction.

The other part of this is that much like decking-the-halls, it's a job that is best not attacked alone. The admonition and encouragement of other believers helps get the job done more effectively while fostering a happy heart. Since our Maker created us to be relational, He uses others to help fine tune our character into one that is far more pleasing to Him. Working together, we sense that we are marching onward despite temporary setbacks.

As we begin this years Advent season, remember that just like the filthy house, you are a work in progress. Inch by inch God will grow you into the image of His son Jesus in increasing measure. With persistence, focus, and fellowship you will begin to rid yourself of the unattractive things that litter your life. And under those behaviors and thoughts are the glow and peace of your awesome Lord!

Pray: Wise and merciful God, I can only clean house with Your help! Assist me as I make more and more room in my heart for You this Advent season!

UNDERSTANDING YOUR CHILD'S SENSORY SIGNALS... -- A Turn-Key Guide

2011-11-17T05:00:00.000-06:00

Give discernment to me, your servant... ~ Psalm 119:125, NLT

If you're anything like me, some days you wish you had a field guide to figure out your child's behavior. All too often, I struggle with understanding why my youngest treasure with ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder and social deficits just won't settle in to her own bed for the night. It bewilders me when she overheats on days that the rest of us would find freezing. I can go in another room to speak quietly in private with my husband, but she hears every word. And I just had to talk to her today about some very rough play I saw her engaging in with another little girl right after school. I ask myself, What is causing this, and what is an effective way of dealing with it?

Well, have I discovered an amazing resource for us! Angie Voss' UNDERSTANDING YOUR CHILD'S SENSORY SIGNALS: A Practical Daily Use Handbook for Parents and Teachers is the easy reference so many of us parents have been waiting for. The book begins with a brief one-page explanation of how to use this volume. It then proceeds with a list entitled "Find Your Sensory Signal" which functions much like a table of contents. This sensory signal list provides a vast array of behaviors and symptoms for readers to reference. In fact, I went through all 3 pages of the list placing a check mark next to each one that my daughter displays.

As you reference the page that each sensory signal is on, a quick, helpful concentration of information is available to you. At the top of the page, the sensory category of that behavior is identified. For example, something you are seeing in a child may be tactile, vestibular, self-regulatory or the like. A sensory explanation of that specific behavior is then detailed. This can be particularly helpful because for the amateur, the senses involved may not be overtly obvious. Next, possible questions are listed which can help determine if a behavior truly is sensory in origin. How excellent to have these insights when you don't even know what questions to ask! Finally, each page of sensory signals ends with a list of ideas to help. What a fabulous, turn-key way to put practical information to immediate use!

Asterisks abound on these pages as certain recommendations are given further explanation in the back of the book. These are described in detail under the Sensory Tools and Resources section. Sensory definitions are also described further at the back of the book.

UNDERSTANDING YOUR CHILD'S SENSORY SIGNALS is a new release that you will want to make sure you add to your bookshelf. The more than 20 years experience Angie Voss possesses as an occupational therapist is put to ready use in this terrific new tool for the busy parent or educator of a child with special needs. Given the transitory or voluntary nature of those working with our kids in a church setting, this would also be a great addition to the library of children's ministry workers!

In fact, this book is such a clever idea that we would like to give a copy of it away in a drawing! Just comment below why you would like to win a copy of Angie's book, and we will draw the winner a week from today!

PRAY: Lord, I need wisdom and discernment in reading my child's cues. Thank You for people like Angie to help me. I look to you for direction and new ideas in helping my child succeed.

*You can learn more about Angie Voss, OTR/L and her book at http://understandingspd.com.

Forgiving God

2011-11-13T17:40:00.001-06:00

"Surely in vain I have kept my heart pure and have washed my hands in innocence. All day long I have been afflicted, and every morning brings new punishments... When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you." ~ Psalm 73:13, 14, 21 & 22, NIV

Continuing on with our series based on the Inclusion Fusion talk "Bathing in the Healing Power of Forgiveness", let's move beyond forgiving others, and examine forgiving God. When our child is first diagnosed, it is completely natural to feel angry at our Creator. Guilty as we may feel about it, few escape this emotion.

Part of our anger at God is based on how we are humanly wired. We were created with an innate sense to protect our children. We see the vulnerability of the very young and become indignant that any harm would come to them. Our strong sense of justice becomes painfully aware of their unfair lot in life. What infant or child could ever be deserving of suffering surgeries, treatments, therapies or ostracizing by peers?

Another part of our anger is birthed by who we believe God to be. We're taught from a very young age that "Jesus loves me," and "God is love". So, how does that square with childhood suffering? How can a loving God allow such a thing? We are also raised to believe that God is omnipotent, almighty and can even alter the course of history. If that is true, why wouldn't He prevent such heartache from occurring?

A final piece of our anger can be attributed to our own sense of entitlement. We truly believe that we personally don't deserve the anguish of a child with special needs. We feel that we have been "good enough" to deserve better. Despite all of our prayer, serving, acts of kindness and decent behavior, tragedy has beset us, and that's not fair.

How do we resolve such feelings? After all, it is rather odd to wrestle with hating One who holds the universe in His hands! The first step is to get to know who God is. Like any other relationship, the more time you spend with your Maker, the better you will get to know Him. And that knowledge cannot come solely from the second-hand knowledge of another person. It must come from digging deep into God's word. Spending daily time without any noise and reading your Bible in a translation that you find understandable is absolutely key. Over time, you will get to know God's character, how He works and who He is by reading not only His promises, but also how He has interacted with humans throughout history.

The second step involves taking an honest look at ourselves. We all need to come to a place where we can admit that we really aren't "good enough" to deserve anything but hell. Truthful self-examination reveals that we daily complain, quarrel, act selfishly, gossip and look down our noses at others. We may not commit murder, but sin is sin, and we are too nasty to be in the presence of a holy God. The good news is that we are dearly loved by our Creator even though we are tremendously unworthy. He has made a way for us to be with Him in spite of ourselves! He sacrificed His precious Son Jesus to pay the debt we owed to Him by our disobedience. The honest renewal of this perspective leads us to the next step in forgiving God.

Once we realize that God spared no expense to draw us to Himself, when we realize that He's not even bound by death or the troubling consequences of sin, then we can begin to trust Him. As we grow in that trust, we become more aware that He only has our best in mind. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future," our Maker tenderly assures us in Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV). It brings to mind all the times I have had to make my kids take icky medicine or have a painful immunization because I knew that it had tremendous benefit far beyond the temporary discomfort. Over time, we see that God operates similarly, but with far more wisdom and infinite benefit.

As we trust, we may be tempted to doubt and take control of our situation in our own power. That anger flares up again when God doesn't do things our way in our timing. That's when it's time to remember, "Hands off!" We will grow in realizing the Lords full sufficiency when we let go. Our expectations need to be released. We need to stop trying to make everything turn out the way we think is best. When we pry our hands off of our children and instead trust them to God's care, we may find out that He has something even better than we ever could have asked or imagined in mind.

Finally, we need to endure. Forgiveness doesn't usually come as a one-time occurrence. We find those toxic feelings creeping back at times, and we need to forgive again. The good news is that as we persevere, the forgiveness comes more readily or easily. We find that un-forgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the object of our anger to die! We discover that forgiving is really a gift to ourselves as well as another.

You can get past your anger at God. Don't allow bitterness to overtake your personality. Redemption starts right here and now. All you have to decide is whether you will take hold of the joy held out for you!

Pray: God, I cannot hide a thing from You. You know how angry I get with you that you allowed these difficulties to enter our lives! I know You are big enough to handle my anger towards You. Help me to heal and work through this. Help me to trust that you permit everything for my good and Your glory.

DIFFERENT DREAM PARENTING - New Release, New Tool Extraordinaire!

2011-11-10T05:00:00.000-06:00

I can do all this through him who gives me strength.~ Philippians 4:13, NIV

Every so often a book comes along in the world of special needs that is a game changer. DIFFERENT DREAM PARENTING: A Practical Guide to Raising a Child with Special Needs is just such a book. As I mention in my endorsement within the book, no parents raising a child with unique challenges should be without this volume.

There are several things that made me fall in love with Jolene's second publication in the Different Dream series. When my first child with special needs was born, there was a diagnosis specific book that was considered the encyclopedia of how to raise such a child. While extremely helpful, it was somewhat short-sighted in the scope of what it covered. Not so with this book! Everything from birth to death is touched upon by the author. Gaining a sure footing when a child receives a diagnosis is extremely difficult for parents. Insights and tips provide that help to readers. Tackling challenges in hospitals and schools are not for the faint of heart nor for those who are unaware of their legal rights. Chapters equip parents with clear and concise information to help face these situation with confidence. In fact, those raising children with special needs will want to keep this book handy to reference as life grows and changes.

Another reason I love this book is the fact that it combines the spiritual with the practical. Those who read the history of SNAPPIN' MINISTRIES will discover that the organization was birthed, in part, by the fact that there was much in the way of secular support a decade ago, but not much in the way of faith-based support for parents of child with special needs. Yet, nothing will test our faith will such heartache and confusion as when our son or daughter receives a diagnosis. Not only does each chapter in DIFFERENT DREAM PARENTING start in scripture and end in prayer, but a solid Christian approach is woven throughout the information. In addition, there are seven wonderful prayer guides in one of the appendices at the end of the book. This is every bit as essential in putting parents on solid footing as the practical information provided.

Jolene so beautifully blends the information and spiritual support with stories from real parents, that our organization has decided to use this new release as part of our developing mentor program! If you know a parent with a newly diagnosed child or if you have your own questions you're looking for answers to, be sure to pick up DIFFERENT DREAM PARENTING. You will not be disappointed!

Pray: Father, thank You that You provide resources for us through talented people like Jolene. Give us wisdom. And help us to approach the challenges of parenting one step at a time.

FORGIVING OTHERS - Part 2: 1,001 Stupid Things People Say & Do

2011-11-07T17:25:00.000-06:00

“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” ~ Luke 23:34, NIV

My daughter came to me crying Saturday morning. Our 70 pound golden doodle had gotten at the glazed donut my husband so graciously bought for her. Since they are such a rarity in our house, she was devastated. Never mind that she had set it down for only a moment on the ladder steps to her bunk bed. She proclaimed our dog "naughty" and "bad". I found myself explaining to her that the dog was neither of those things, he was just an unintelligent animal, doing what animals do. It was her responsibility to eat the donut promptly or put it in a place out of reach of the dog.

Crazy as it may sound, the people we encounter as parents of children with special needs should be viewed in much the same light. They are ignorant humans doing what humans do. People are inclined to want to provide a quick fix to our problems, give us a quick easy word to soothe us, or just not know what to do in their feelings of awkwardness.

I learned prior to having children that people are prone to this sort of activity when my husband and I experienced multiple miscarriages and years of infertility. Oh, the comments! "Now you have a little angel in heaven," "There was something wrong with that baby that you wouldn't have wanted to deal with anyway," and "Just adopt and you'll get pregnant in no time," were just a few of the brilliant remarks people had for us. Never mind that we just would have loved to be hugged, understood and had any random act of kindness brought our way at that time.

By the time we finally became parents, I thought the foolish things people said and did were behind us, but they only arrived in a different flavor. "Is she a good baby?", was the first idiotic-but-common utterance we heard from people when our eldest was born. Honestly? What did people expect us to say -- No, she's awful! Take her back?

When our son's hemophilia made its grand appearance right along with him, the piercing words and actions reached a new level. People avoided us out of discomfort. I was condemned by relatives because I am the genetic carrier of the disorder. And the winner of the dumbest comments was a complete stranger walking past us on the street, inquiring as to why my tiny infant had a medical alert bracelet. Lacking savvy enough to tell the woman to mind her own business, I shared my baby's diagnosis. She promptly informed me, "Oh, we had a dog who had that. We had to put him down." How was that supposed to comfort the parent of a newborn facing such a difficult future?

My point is this, in our journey as parents of children with special needs, we will encounter countless words and deeds that we will need to forgive. As my friend aptly puts it, "people don't know what they don't know". They are often well-meaning and completely ignorant. And we need to picture their words and actions like fluffy, foolish feathers on our hands that we blow off. When we fail to forgive these situations, we are the big losers in the end. We give the thing that wounds us too much power, and it eats us up inside.

I often ruminate about how Jesus must have felt with all the hurtful words and deeds hurled at Him, the God that lovingly came to save His people. Despite the heartache He must have experienced, He continued to set a loving example for us all. Forgive. Know that people have many limitations. Move forward in God's power and leave the hurts behind you.

Prayer: Father, forgive the people who hurt us with their hurtful words and deeds. Remind us that there have probably been times when we unknowingly have done the same. Help us to walk uprightly by the strength of Your Spirit.

*See the full presentation on Bathing In The Healing Power of Forgiveness at HTTP://INCLUSIONFUSION.ORG.

FORGIVING OTHERS - Part 1: Charity Begins at Home

2011-11-04T14:07:00.001-05:00

"...Forgive, and you will be forgiven." (Luke 6:37, NIV)

Recently, I have had the great privilege of recording a presentation for the Inclusion Fusion Pajama Conference on "Bathing in the Healing Power of Forgiveness". If we can have an honest moment here, let's agree that it's always easier to bloviate on in great speeches about forgiveness than to practice it. And yet, we also need to candidly admit that forgiveness is a value we would like each our children to espouse as they grow.

I will go to my grave saying that God always keep me "on the short leash" because He knows I am prone to wander off in my own foolishness. And so this was no less true when my presentation was posted for Inclusion Fusion. Lest my head become immensely fat for being included in such a wonderful conference, the Lord humbled me by putting to the test all that I had professed in this talk on forgiveness. For the past month, we had thought that my youngest daughter had misplaced her new cell phone in her unbelievably messy bedroom. After cleaning it up and searching every corner of our home and cars, I took a gander at our billing detail online. Much to my sadness and dismay, I found that while the phone was missing, it had been used with hundreds of dollars in apps and phone calls added to it. Sadder still was the fact that in putting together the numbers that had been called and the last time we all remember seeing the phone, I was 99% certain that the phone had been stolen by my daughter's friend.

The first thing to do in a situation like this was to pray. Only by the power of the Holy Spirit could I walk uprightly while feeling such frustration and anger. It was essential to not lose my cool or act rashly in this situation.

The next thing to do was to come up with a plan of attack for dealing with the situation. Fortunately, one of my friends with older daughters had been through this before. She advised me that if I contacted the cell phone company and told them that the phone had been stolen, they would write off the charges. That was useful information, but I felt that wasn't where the situation needed to end. I definitely sensed that we had to draw a boundary between my daughter and this friend until the matter was resolved. As my daughter's special needs include social deficits, she is particularly vulnerable in a circumstance like this. I went to the school's principal and special education teacher to inform them of what had happened. While it didn't involve the school, I wanted to be sure that they were aware in case any repercussions arose. The principal thanked me and advised me to go to the police, which I intended to do anyway. It gave me the sense that there was perhaps more to the story than I was aware of. When I did go to the local police, I found myself wrestling out the situation along with the officer. He had told me that unless the phone was found, the theft would be very hard to prove. He encouraged me to go to the girl's father taking an approach that "perhaps she picked it up accidentally". I was reluctant because of several serious things in the home that could make confrontation dangerous. Nevertheless, the officer gave me a police report number to pass on to the cell phone company for my billing adjustment.

Like every married couple, my husband and I can have differences of opinions on how to deal with such matters. This was no exception. I called my husband to update him on the situation, and he seemed uncomfortable with some of it. Nevertheless, he did make a phone call to the little friend's dad. Much to my surprise, he didn't beat around the bush. He came right out and said that our daughter's phone was missing and that he believed this other man's daughter knew something about it. The two of them agreed to sit down and talk about it the following evening. Equipped with the phone bill and not shrinking back from his accusation, he went to the other family's home and surprisingly got a full confession from the friend. She had, in fact, stolen and abused the phone. While she did not readily have it to return (it remains dead and currently not functioning), my husband insisted that she get it back to him and also apologize to our daughter. The father also assured us that he will reimburse us for all costs if the phone company will not write it off.

Wow! So, the question upon his return home and recounting of the conversation begged the question, Where do we go from here? How do we approach this with a child who is searching for acceptance and who deeply struggles with social skills?

We sat our little daughter down and began to practice what we preached. Forgive. Our daughter was shocked and upset to find out that a friend would do such a thing. But we encouraged her to tell this girl that she forgives her and that Jesus forgives her if the girl approaches her to apologize. We stated that after the apology and forgiveness, the matter must be dropped. She was not to talk to any other children about this or embarrass the friend. Afterward, I e-mailed the principal and special ed teacher to give them the details. I knew they could support us with her behavior. I also set down consequences for my daughter if she did not follow these guidelines. That it typically a strong motivator for her.

Will the friendship be allowed to continue? I don't know. I will need to pray about that further. But this I do know -- Charity begins at home, whether it be with doling out donations or granting forgiveness. I have no business teaching others about forgiveness unless I am willing to teach my own precious children the same. I think this is a lesson none of us will ever forget!

Pray: Oh, Father, help us to forgive as we have been forgiven. And let that forgiveness begin with those closest to us!

Why YOU Need to Attend INCLUSION FUSION ~ Our Top Ten

2011-10-31T21:49:00.000-05:00

"...I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10b, NIV)

Coming to a computer screen near you, November 3-5, 2011 will be the landmark Inclusion Fusion web conference for those with interest in topics related to living with special needs and the Christian church. Here is our Top 10 list of why YOU should make attending this event your top priority:

10. The conference is completely FREE! How many times has the cost of a conference posed an obstacle to you attending? Not this time! The only thing this conference will cost you is time.

9. You can attend the conference right from the comfort of your own home! Let's face it, if you care for a loved one with special needs, getting out of the house or finding respite care can be tough. There are no such concerns with this conference.

8. You have access to two dozen of the foremost experts on disability ministry! From those who have been trail-blazers in the field to exciting up-and-comers, you will have the opportunity to listen to wisdom on a wide variety of topics. Never has there been such a fabulous collection of speakers in one conference!

7. Preeminent preacher, Chuck Swindoll will be the event's keynote speaker! If you are not familiar with the Insights for Living radio show and the preaching ministry of Pastor Chuck Swindoll, you are in for a treat. Pastor Swindoll's wisdom is sure to grow and inspire participants.

6. There will be information just for parents or caregivers! Topics addressing advocacy for the child, forgiveness, and transitions to adulthood are just some that may interest those raising a child with special needs.

5. There will be information just for churches interested in starting an inclusion ministry! Merely understanding the mission field is so important! This topic as well as a basic presentation on how to get started will be offered along with others.

4. New innovations will be discussed! From respite to curriculum to social media, fresh ideas will be available to those who already have a special needs ministry at their church.

3. You will have an opportunity to live chat for 1 hour during the conference with most of the speakers! When is the last time you had THAT sort of time to further discuss topics of interest with the presenters at a conference? This offers attendees a much more engaging experience during the conference.

2. A host of additional resources will be available to participants! Each speaker or the organization they represent will have recommended resources or their own items to offer for sale to attendees.

AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON YOU NEED TO ATTEND INCLUSION FUSION...

1. You were designed for fellowship! Whether an isolated parent or an inquisitive servant looking for more guidance, God never intended for us to do life in a vacuum. This conference will afford you the opportunity to connect to hundreds of others around the nation who have the same questions and interests. And through such a venue, you are bound to be blessed!

JOIN KEY MINISTRY, SNAPPIN' MINISTRIES, LIFT DISABILITY NETWORK, THE NEED PROJECT, THE P.U.R.E. MINISTRY PROJECT, AND SO MANY OTHERS FOR THIS EVENT BY REGISTERING FOR THE CONFERENCE TODAY!

Pray: Lord, wherever two or more are gathered in Your name, You are with us. Thank You for being with us during the Inclusion Fusion conference. Bless our time together, and help us all to grow as we learn how to better serve the least of Your children.

Going Backward to Stretch Forward

2011-10-18T11:44:00.001-05:00

"So each generation should set its hope anew on God, not forgetting his glorious miracles and obeying his commands." ~ Psalm 78:7, NLT

I just had the great blessing of spending four days at a fabulous women's retreat in the North woods of Wisconsin. The theme, which was walking in the Spirit, didn't especially trigger any anticipation in me prior to the event, but it certainly transformed me once I was there. I had attended this retreat for the first time last year, and merely sought to once again experience the refreshment I had recalled receiving there.

Prior to my departure, there had been many demands on my life. I had just finished working on writing two grants. We were in full swing of preparing the kick-off event at our collaborative pediatric facility development. I was in the throws of leading a committee as they develop a curriculum for parent mentors. I was one week late in submitting my video presentation for a virtual conference. Children were needing assistance with various special needs issues including a bleed incurred in a foolish phy ed accident, and a truth telling issue at school. Things had really come to a head when I had to call an ambulance for my elderly mother when I found her unable to get out of bed when I arrived at her home.

It has been a rough but productive year. And the battle scars of walking through life trying just to do the next right thing have left me feeling hard pressed on every side. Restoration was not just a desire, but a requirement at this point.

As He so faithfully does, God met me right in my messiness at that retreat. Escorted right into the presence of our Creator by worship leader, David Kaap, I came to the end of myself. My focus changed, and I gained a deep desire to leave that place completely transformed in comparison to the way I had arrived. More of You, Lord, and less of me, was the prayer of my heart. I gained many new insights to walking in the Spirit through my sweet friend and speaker, Margo Fieseler. But much of what I heard, read and learned were things that I had encountered before, yet God was bringing them afresh to my weary soul.

This retreat so emphatically convicted me to share with you that often we need to reflect backward on the eternal truths our Maker lovingly grants us in order to strain forward toward the prize He is holding out for us. For instance, we may require some time to be alone with God and recall that He tells us that there is nothing that is too difficult for Him. (See Jeremiah 32:27) Remembering those words, we can also remember times where the Lord got us out of an extremely sticky situation or a seemingly impossible circumstance. This equips us to go forward in trust and confidence of His capable care.

Perhaps we face that ocean of medical bills that never seem to relent in a family living with special needs. But as we quietly sit with our Bibles open, He bathes us in promises of His provision, faithfulness and care. We read the stories of how God delivered people in the past and see that He still delivers today. In those times, he brings to mind all those times he provided an unexpected rebate in the mail, an anonymous aid or a tax refund just in time. And He refills us, equipping us to go forward in strength and assurance like we've never known before.

Our challenge is to keep walking in that knowledge of who He is. Walking in humility, purity, contentment, faith, trust, truth, love, patience and wisdom, like sweet Margo taught, keeps us plugged in, close to His side so we can intimately hear Him whispering His blessed assurance to us as we stretch forward. We're enabled to live a life filled with good works, light and the remarkable "something different" that draws others to the Savior we adore. But we have to be deliberate in carving out that time to spiritually refill and recollect.

If we allow the insanity, pain and demands of this life to continually drown out what God stoops down to lovingly bless us with, how will we ever enjoy peace in the storms? It is humanly impossible to experience joy amidst life's most severe trials. But by the power of His Spirit, we can be filled to overflowing in spite of our circumstances. May we make that time to reflect backward so we can go forward in the power of all He wants to lavish upon us!

Pray: God, most days I'm just carried about by the whirlwinds of life's latest demands or crises. My vision of you becomes blurred, and I'm left feeling desperate. Oh, Holy Spirit, bring to my mind today all those truths you have taught me before, so I might be strengthened for today! Apart from You, I can do nothing.

A Curious Disturbance

2011-10-07T11:00:00.000-05:00

How horrible it will be for those who call evil good and good evil, who turn darkness into light and light into darkness, who turn what is bitter into something sweet and what is sweet into something bitter.~ Isaiah 5:20, GW

Something has been eating at me lately. Every morning when I sit down at my desk and begin my work at my computer, I receive notices that help me screen the vast sea of information pertinent to parents and caregivers of children with unique challenges. I filter everything from small town newspapers to major news stories, from blogs to breaking government recalls. But I've been viewing something in the mix that's disturbing.

In amidst announcements of interest to those of us serving family members with disabilities are urgent pleas for animals with special needs. Writers extol the virtues of a precious pooch missing a limb who is so worthy of saving from the pound, if only someone will provide a home. Humaine animal welfare organizations plea that if we will only donate today, a kind creature who merely needs regular insulin shots can live out the rest of its days the way they were meant to be - in utter bliss. I even saw a post the other day regarding a two-faced cat for whom animal rights enthusiasts are soliciting assistance.

Now, at first blush, people might not find a problem with wanting to show kindness to cute, cuddly little creatures. Why wouldn't you want to help Fido? After all, no reasonable human being would find animal suffering to be attractive.

However, where I get stuck is on that boundary line that distinctly lays between humanity and the animal kingdom. I still firmly believe the truth of Genesis 1:26 that says, "Then God said, 'Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals and over all the creatures that move along the ground.'”(NIV, bold print added for emphasis) In God's economy, there is an order to things. And people have priority over creatures. We alone are created in His image.

I look at how mixed up our culture has become. I remember the case where a woman received a lesser punishment for delivering her baby in a public bathroom, killing it and throwing it in a dumpster than a professional athlete did for the animal abuse of dog fighting. And things like this disturb me.

How can we as humans even think about rescuing a two-faced cat when every church in this country doesn't even have fully accessible restrooms? What is appropriate about giving assistive devices to a rabbit when children in this country aren't able to function because they're specialized walker or wheelchair was stolen?
I drove past the auctioneer's on the way home from our country getaway last week, and they were advertising "Culling Cow Action, 10 AM, 10/6". That sounds like hamburger to me. It's not cause to rescue Bessie when we are still nowhere near a cure for genetic disorders that still take the lives of our precious, valuable humans each day.

Are you disturbed by this too? I surely hope you are. For when wrong becomes right and right becomes wrong, our culture is in dangerous territory indeed. And when I see this type of behavior, I keep looking towards the sky for Jesus' imminent return.

Pray: God, give me perspective. Help me to value every human life the same way you do. Thank you for the gift of pets and all of your creatures. But let me never give them better treatment than I would give one of the least of your children.

LEAVING NO STONE UNTURNED!

2011-10-04T08:52:00.000-05:00

"...And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones who is my disciple, truly I tell you, that person will certainly not lose their reward.” ~ Matthew 10:42, NIV

Running a non-profit ministry for parents of kids with special needs is an interesting endeavor, to say the least. People often wonder what a person like myself does all day. How much time can it take to set up an occasional meeting or respite event every-so-often? Writing a blog is something many do as a hobby on the side. How hard can it be to pack up a lovely gift basket to bless a mom or a dad in need?

While I will contend that God has blessed both myself and those who minister alongside me far more than we could ever bless those we serve, I want to encourage parents by letting you know that we leave no stone unturned for your benefit. Walking the path myself gives me a keen awareness of how wearisome and anguishing it can be to parent these precious kids. That only fuels my passion. I feel grateful for all that God has done and continues to pour out on my family. The only appropriate response is to share that Good News and hope beyond all hope with a hurting world. To the great fortune of other parents, I have a big mouth, and hopefully, that results in the many others who step up to share the vision and serve.

That service is all wonderful, but in this world that God presently has us passing through, money is needed to fund all of these things and assist parents. We leave no stone unturned by searching every corner to gain help with what we do. Every Tuesday via Twitter, we "tweet" a #CharityTuesday request asking people to donate via our website. We seem to be continually writing grants, and are immensely thankful for the kindness of organizations like The Stackner Family Foundation who share our vision and heart for families with a child who has special needs. We apply for contests like the one we are currently involved in, Citgo's Fueling Good Program which awards gas gift cards to their winners. Since gas cards are such a big part of what we do, programs like this seem to be a natural fit. A simple way we offer people to support our organization without having to spend a dime themselves is to use our Good Search Toolbar where we get $0.01 ever time you search using us at the charity of choice. We also use well known organizations like Great Non-Profits.Com and Guidestar to build awareness of our families' needs and what we are striving to do to meet those needs. And we rely on the generosity of local businesses like The DeRosa Corporation, which have been great friends to us in providing dinner gift certificates or food at events at a deeply discounted rate.

The point is this, my friends, God loves you! He has numbered every hair on your head! He cares deeply for and about you, your child and your circumstances! We who serve through SNAPPIN' MINISTRIES have the great honor of being His ambassadors to you in this dark world. We hold this privilege in high regard, searching tirelessly and obediently for ways to serve you and to provide for your needs. We do this in order that you may know the riches of His goodness and pass that on, in turn, to your children and everyone around you. Won't you please share with those you know and love these different ways of supporting an organization that supports you? We love to offer a cup of cold water to those traveling through challenging times. But that pump needs to be primed, and these various ways all add to that. If you have been blessed, pass on the blessing!

Pray: Oh, Father, You are the great Jehovah Jireh! You provide every good and perfect gift, including the most simple of comforts. Please continue to provide for us in our times of greatest need. Help us to pass along every blessing you pour out on us, all to Your glory!

Receiving the Best in Rest

2011-09-27T07:00:00.000-05:00

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." ~ Matthew 11:28, NIV

It's a given - Raising a child with any sort of special need requires extra energy. As parent of such a child, we are required to be an insurance expert, triage nurse, occupational therapist, education rights expert and overall advocate. When you combine these necessities with the regular demands of parenting, we can become far more weary more quickly than the average mom or dad. We need our cup refilled.

But how? Each individual gets that rest so differently. Any assortment of hobbies or interaction with other adults may bring some rest. While actual sleep, a massage or quiet time reading might be just what it takes to get refreshed. Just having some "normal" experiences with your child where you don't have to explain can be a blessing as well.

It's even likely that a parent doesn't know what will rejuvenate them because so many parents buy into the lie that they should be able to do it all without help from anyone else. That doesn't do anyone any favors. Even Jesus pulled away for awhile to be able to fill his tank and minister to the demanding crowds once again.

We are excited to be collaborating with Zachariah's Acres on the building of a new, innovative Christian respite campus. This facility will not just be a respite center, but an entire campus. Built on 50 rolling acres in Northern Waukesha County, Wisconsin, there's a bigger dream for you and your children than just a place to drop off your child. The developers of this land are hoping to offer the opportunity for both you and your children to enjoy being refreshed in God's nature at such a place. The campus approach will afford for an ADA accessible nature path through woods and prairies. With 3 lovely ponds, various birds including great blue herons and wood ducks can be watched while dipping a fishing line. Families will be welcomed to outdoor events with the building of a park pavilion, a bonfire pit and perhaps even an accessible playground. A subsequent phase of the campus may include a bed and breakfast where mom and dad can have an evening alone without being so far away from their child that there is great angst. And these are only a few of the ideas involved in this exciting development.

The remarkable part is that this campus is being built by parents just like you for parents just like you. We know best what we want for ourselves and our precious children. So we invite your reflection on such a respite opportunity. What might the perfect refreshment look like for you and your special child? We can't wait to hear!

Pray: Oh, God, you are the giver of dreams and of every perfect gift. Help me in daring to dream what a respite facility for me and my child might look like. Bless the land donor of this project, and give wisdom to those who are developing this project. May it all be for Your glory!

The Merit of Mentors

2011-09-21T06:42:00.000-05:00

Imitate me as I imitate Christ. ~ 1 Corinthians 11:1, GWT

Parenthood is NOT for sissies! Although I always knew I wanted to be a parent some day, I could never tell you specifically why or what I expected it to be. In retrospect, I can see how God allowed me to go through certain trials in order to make me a better mother to the little people He entrusted to me. But there are still many times I feel completely inadequate, begging the Lord to cover over my shortcomings in the eyes of my children.

It has been said before, "You need a license to drive a car, but any idiot can be a parent." That leaves one wondering where we can look for training or growth if we truly take this role seriously. Add to that role the huge responsibility of raising a well-adjusted child in spite of chronic illness or unique challenges, and a parent really needs a lifeline!

This is where Jesus left us a tremendous gift. Not only did He faithfully, redeem us, but He mentored twelve clumsy guys and modeled how to do the same. This wonderful method of of imparting wisdom and truth to others was a hallmark of Jesus' public life.

Here are some notable focal points of Jesus' mentoring:

Jesus always shared the wisdom that is beyond human wisdom. There are so many things we come up against in life that are beyond our understanding. We especially wrestle with deep philosophical and theological questions in times of crisis. Jesus used those practical opportunities to draw people closer to the Father and gave them the opportunity to enter into intimate knowledge of Him. That equipped those who followed Him to live through things like abuse, imprisonment and persecution with something that transcends the tragedies of this world. His knowledge was meant to be shared.
Jesus met people where they were at and hung out in their midst. I first heard from Pastor Rick Warren of Saddleback Church, "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care." Jesus understood that people can't gain an eternal vision without first having their immediate crises addressed. He validated them and their concerns, then pointed to the awesome hope that lay beyond their oppressing problems. His approachability was refreshing.
Jesus let his actions speak for themselves. All the lecturing in the world wouldn't mean a thing in our understanding of God had Jesus not walked a mile in our shoes. He knew what it was like to be human, with all of its difficulties, and yet had his eye solidly fixed on the Father. He unjustly suffered, so we can rely on his words and his example when we undergo the same. His genuineness was admirable.
Jesus had an incredible ability to discern when a person needed tenderness and when a person needed a kick in the behind. Despite meeting oppressed people who found themselves in a variety of tough circumstances, Jesus knew that candy-coating things wasn't always the right tool to use. There were times when people were appropriately overwrought and convicted in their own situation where Jesus offered great tenderness and comfort. But there were also many times where Jesus called people out on their unwillingness to face the truth or change. His honesty was a solid model.
Jesus spent more time at His Father's feet than He ever did mentoring. Aside from the 30 year training period God put His only Son through, there was still an immense amount of time that Jesus spent alone with God when he was active in his mission. Oh, how rich Jesus' mentoring was because he had spent forty days in the desert fasting and praying. He made a habit of getting up before sunrise to spend time with the Father. And he separated himself from the crowds and disciples with regularity. His priorities were a goal worthy of replicating.

So, how does that all translate into our daily living now? God surely wouldn't have wasted the last three years of His Son's life on earth mentoring disciples unless it was an important model. If this awkward mix of fishermen, tax collectors and average guys needed to be guided to grow into the fullest potential God had in mind for them, why shouldn't this process be one we both go through and eventually help others through over time?

Parents of children with varying diagnoses desperately need this mentoring. Beginning by spending time with someone more mature and experienced, a mother or father continues to grow, not only in the daily care of that child, but also in personal spiritual growth. That personal enrichment that the parent gains is then naturally poured into that child as well as others around the parent. Eventually, if the mentoree is willing to personally mature, they will also become a valuable mentor.

Pray: God, thank You that You made us for relationship with both yourself and each other! Help me to grow by this example of mentoring that Jesus left me!

* Look for future posts on mentoring as SNAPPIN' MINISTRIES continues to develop a formal mentor program across the nation for parents of children with special needs.

**Join us this Thursday evening, 7:30 PM, CST as we enjoy a live chat with one another about PARENT MENTORS at http://tweetchat.com/room/spnmin

Equal But Different

2011-09-13T06:13:00.001-05:00

Faith in Christ Jesus is what makes each of you equal with each other, whether you are a Jew or a Greek, a slave or a free person, a man or a woman. Galatians 3:28

Parenting a child with special needs is multi-layered. Any parent of kids with challenges will solidly affirm this. Life never happens in a vacuum. So the entire family experiences a different kind of life together on this journey.

One of the difficulties that repeatedly seems to rear its ugly head in these families is the adjustment of "typical" siblings. While rivalry is a regular occurrence between any two siblings, there is definitely a whole new issue when one of them has a particular diagnosis.

The added time and attention required by the child with a disability can cause a definite wedge between siblings. Family relationships can become downright strained as the sibling with no diagnosis is asked to be responsible beyond their years. We can end up asking this child to forego their needs being met and to offer understanding that they don't have the cognitive maturity to comply with. It is not unusual for anger and resentment to fester. Questioning self-value can occur. At the same time guilt for being healthy or for having negative feelings in the first place can further confuse the healthy sibling.

So, how do we help our children through one of the most difficult parts of living in a family with a child who has special needs? Several things can help result in a much better outcome.

Start by dealing with your own strong emotions as a parent. If you're experiencing guilt, get help dealing with it. Be willing to admit that you may be expecting too much of your typical child while favoring your child with unique needs. Until you get yourself healthy, it's unreasonable to expect your family to have healthy relationships.
Make time to calmly explain to your other child the difficult position you are in as well as the needs that challenge their brother or sister. Affirm your love for them and acknowledge how difficult this can be for a healthy sibling. Be willing to answer questions or just listen without condemnation.
Carve out some special time just for your child who does not have a specific diagnosis. Do some things that your child has expressed interest in. One big sore spot in our house was that our son got to go to McDonald's after his long clinic days at the hospital while the others did not. In my special time with each of the other kids, we went out to eat wherever they wanted. It doesn't even have to be that big. Just reading a book together or going to the park offers the time that is so desperately craved.
Never wield the weapon of guilt! Nothing can be more divisive than clobbering your healthy child over the head with the fact that they don't have any diagnosis to overcome. When they have a complaint, hardship or injury, take it seriously. Every human-being needs validation, and life is not a pain contest.
Don't forget to teach what God has to say about siblings. While we don't want to use God's word to make our children feel bad about their relationship with a brother or sister, it is an important place to find examples of good and bad that has happened in families since the dawn of time. And stories like that of Joseph and his brothers or of Jacob and Esau can demonstrate to our kids that even in the worst situations, healing between those we're related to is always possible.
Help them form their own good memories together. In spite of the issues we deal with, we make sure to develop traditions that are ours alone. Hobbies, trips or family stories are memories that your children can share amongst themselves even when you're not in the picture. We even sent all three of our kids to a diagnosis-specific camp together for a week this summer. There, they developed fun memories together that my husband and I will never be privy to. The ride home was definitely more pleasant than it was on the way there!
Recognize that much of this is typical sibling rivalry. It gets difficult to tease out what's "normal" and what's not. Yes, there are differences in your family, but if they weren't there, there may be another reason for the bickering. Monitor the situation, but don't lay it all at the feet of the special need.

With these few steps, raising a family that loves both typical and not-so-average kids can become much more delightful. These precious gifts from God are not the same, but they should know that they are equal in the eyes of both their heavenly Father and their earthly parents.

PRAY: Lord, some days I feel like I'm raising Cain and Abel! Help me to make these children understand that you have given them one another as a gift. Lead me to raise well-adjusted kids who thrive in spite of any adversities they may face.

*Join us every Thursday night at 7:30 PM, CST to discuss faith and special needs at http://tweetchat.com/room/spnmin For more information how TweetChat works, visit our Facebook event announcement at http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=276508309043484 This Thursday's topic will be on "Helping Siblings Work Through Negative Emotions".

Lessons for Us from 911

2011-09-09T08:04:00.000-05:00

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe... (Hebrews 12:28, NIV)

Like so many of us, I remember that day like it was yesterday. I had just dropped off my daughter for kindergarten at her private Christian school. I returned home to my chores. I heard the news on the radio as I was making my bed and tidying the room. Originally, they thought it was a CESNA that had hit Tower 1.

"It really is a sight to see," the radio announcer out of Madison proclaimed. "If you're near a TV you should turn it on."

I did. And my life was forever changed. Weren't all of ours? I remember shouting out my bedroom window to my next door neighbor who was in her backyard, telling her what was happening. Shortly after, I watched in disbelief as I witnessed the second plane hit on live television. There were rumors of dozens more planes missing from radars, leading citizens to believe that the hijackings were massive. The Pentagon was hit. The plane in Shanksville, Pennsylvania crashed. All flights were grounded, including that of a dear friend who was home visiting from out of state. She was stranded indefinitely at my house. It felt like the world was going to end that day.

All I wanted was to get my girl home from school and hold her close. I worried about access to life-saving medication for my son who was not quite a year-and-a-half old at the time. I couldn't hear my husband's voice often enough over the phone. Love of family reigned supreme on that day.

Now, a decade later, though the horror is as fresh to me as that of watching the first spire sink in implosion, I realize there are many powerful and positive lessons born from the tragedy. Of course, without thought, priorities are quickly straightened out when the focus is turned towards survival. The treasure of each person you know and love surfaces in humble gratitude.

Then there is inspiration from stories like that of Michael Benfante who, along with a co-worker carried Tina Fansen down 68 stories in her wheelchair to safety right before the building collapsed. Through his selfless act of kindness, he affirmed the value of every life and made each worth saving.

Additionally, there is the unity of the people at this time. I remember peacefully coming together with an adversarial neighbor as we listened to Billy Graham's sermon on the radio during the National Day of Prayer and Remembrance a mere 3 days after the attack. Church attendance around the nation increased. And people returned to our only Sure Foundation.

As our troops eventually deployed, I even recall meeting at the entry to our subdivision where neighbors gathered to hold hands and pray. We were truly "One nation, under God."

So what is the take-away of these memories a decade later? I believe it is still, "...if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land," (2 Chronicles 7:14, NIV) And, "Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity," (Colossians 3:12-14, NIV) We need these Christian attitudes and behaviors every bit as much as we did the day this nation was attacked. Let us not fail to live this way and boldly share this message with others every day that we are granted on this earth.

PRAY: Father, the shock and horror of September 11, 2001 left us with such transformed attitudes and behaviors. Sadly, so many of those have faded over the past decade. Help us to return to those values and live them out in humble, obedient gratitude without having to ever go through a national tragedy like this again.

Fostering Our Kids' Faith At Home

2011-09-06T16:33:00.000-05:00

"These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." ~ Deuteronomy 6:6-9, NIV

In an age where the modern world offers so many programs to meet our needs, it becomes almost too easy for us to get lax in our God-given responsibilities. Take for instance, the role of instilling and growing faith in a child. That job was intended to be taught and reinforced continually in the home and supported in the church. But when a parent is dealing with the exhausting demands of dealing with special needs, Christian formation can easily fall to the back burner or be relegated to one hour on a Sunday.

Read the words of Moses from Deuteronomy. He emphasizes that the commands of God be incorporated in an ongoing way. While that can sound exhausting, the good news is that there are SO many ways for parents of children with unique challenges to just make faith a matter of course in things that they do at home. Here are a few fresh ideas to stimulate your personal creativity.

Do you have a child with sensory issues? How about having your child use some scented pencils to find the hidden objects in a faith-based activity book or color in a character-building coloring book at the kitchen table while you're making dinner?

Is manual dexterity an issue? How about using some magnets or stickers to help build your child's faith during play time at home! Simple puzzles can be great to reinforce the message at home too.

Engaging with our children in a variety of ways can be the key to getting God's message of hope across while still keeping our sanity. I'm referring to things such as reading wonderful books together from Max Lucado's Hermie & Friends Series or Wemmicks Series. These can open up conversations with your precious ones about fitting in or dealing with differences in daily life. Lucado does a superb job of conveying the love of Christ to children through these books. Another example might be singing songs together from any number of Bible songs collections that are available. Music can offer a much better opportunity for our kids to retain the words we are trying to impress upon them. Doing simple craft activities together at home can present a fun, relaxing way to discuss faith with our children. In the photo in this post, my daughter and I are making tie dyed t-shirts. When doing something simple like this, a parent can talk about the rainbow being God's promise to Noah or the color can be an opportunity to present "The Wordless Book" to your child.

While any of these traditional ideas are wonderful, there are amazing new technological tools now available as well. With many parents beginning to look at the miraculous use of the iPad to aid their special child, Bible apps can be a huge blessing for faith-building at home. The list of these tools is bound to grow over time.

As you can see, the possibilities are limited only by your own imagination. And if you click on the links I've provided here, you'll also see that most of these ideas are also extremely affordable. Let's rise to the occasion and answer the call to raise our children to be faithful lovers of the Lord by keeping them engaged at home.

PRAY: God, help me to obey Your call to raise my children to love and know You. Prime the pump of creativity when I don't know how to convey Your message to them. And help me to always remind them how very much You love them!

*Join us every Thursday night at 7:30 PM, CST to discuss faith and special needs at http://tweetchat.com/room/spnmin For more information how TweetChat works, visit our Facebook event announcement at
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=231010220284689

Back to SUNDAY School!

2011-08-30T10:36:00.002-05:00

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” ~ Matthew 19:14, NIV

No doubt about it, these transition times of the year are challenging for all of us. Besides getting kids into a different sleep schedule, there's the school supply mega-acquisition and getting our kids accustomed to new teachers. And if you're anything like our family, you're also dealing with 504 Plans and IEPs.

But the adjustments of this time of year don't end at the door of the school house. They also continue into our halls of worship as well. This can be especially trying if your church is not properly equipped to minister to children with special needs. Back-to-SUNDAY-School can be even more trying than weekday education!

Here are a few ideas to help you in that direction. First, pray before doing anything. Nehemiah did such before he went to rebuild the walls of Jerusalem, and God prospered that approach greatly. Praying before acting helps align our will with God's will for His people.

Next, realize that the leaders in your church more than likely have no formal training on dealing with kids who have special needs. Instead of coming at elders, pastors or staff with guns a-blazing, soften with the knowledge that this is a segment of society that has not been required to be trained in the arena of inclusivity up to this point. Approach gently and helpfully in building awareness that a church needs to establish or develop programming for those with special needs.

In addition, make sure to build an awareness of the tools and resources now available to churches in disability programming. We LOVE Key Ministry's ability to train churches and get them excited about reaching out to children with unique abilities. Also, for a good, quick-start, easy curriculum for those with intellectual challenges, Friendship Ministries is a place we like to direct people. Interested in seeing what other churches are doing with excellence in the area of special needs? Amy Fenton Lee's The Inclusive Church is a great go-to resource. Shannon Dingle's The Works of God Displayed is a terrific blog to follow as well! And CMConnect is a wonderful social networking website that integrates every facet of Children's Ministry including ministering to challenged kids.

The sites mentioned are not only good for starting to accommodate every child in a Sunday School, but they're also extremely helpful with improving existing programs. These leaders help churches of every size address concerns or discover new ideas that never would have otherwise occurred to them. Best-practices in this area of service can be determined by referencing these tools.

As the school-year begins, don't forget that your school-year at the feet of Jesus and hopefully, your child's new year at Sunday School are equally, if not more, important. Being mindful of these few things will help in removing hindrances that would keep you all from the church family that God intended for you!

*Please join us for more tips, insights & opinions on Special Needs Sunday School, Thursday, 9/1/11 #SpnMin TweetChat, 7:30 PM CST at http://tweetchat.com/room/spnmin

Humor Only the Parent of a Child with Special Needs Can Fully Appreciate!

2011-08-26T07:00:00.001-05:00

A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Proverbs 17:22, NIV)

Anyone who knows me realizes that laughter is my favorite coping mechanism! I even have a talk I've repeatedly given on "The Healing Power of Humor" to those in the nation's special needs community. A good chuckle puts my problems in perspective and helps me deal with so much of the absurdity that faces me daily in raising these kids with special needs.

This past weekend, it suddenly occurred to me that I should probably have the tattoo of a drug company somewhere on my personhood. As I looked around me, I found countless tchotchkes (pronounced choch-kees) with drug company logos on them. Holy cow, I realized, half my camper is stocked with stuff I got from specialty pharmacies and drug manufacturers! I thought we could share a couple of chuckles together today by sharing the items we have been given by our friendly drug companies.

Here are just some of the wonderful items I have received over the past 11 years from drug companies that would love my $160,000 per year in business:

Key lanyards & chains
Umbrellas
Digital alarm clocks
Toy cars
Baseball caps
T-shirts
Beach towels
Mouse pads
Pens, pens and more pens
Stress balls
Coffee mugs... And they're usually very ugly
Cloth totes, bags and backpacks
Frisbees
Ice packs
Band-aid dispensers... Typically with plastic band-aids lacking adequate adhesive in them.
Hand sanitizer
Post-it notes
Picture frames... YES, it's true! Don't you want a drug company logo on a frame containing your favorite photo?
Travel packs of tissues
Water bottles
Laundry bags... Great. That means I have to do laundry.
Breath strips
Sunglasses... Mmm. Attractive.
Coloring books, crayons & markers
Flashlights... Destined to be thrown in the garbage can within 30 days or sooner because they quickly die.
Carabiner clips... What ARE we supposed to use those for anyway?
Golf balls... Because, of course, we have so much time to golf in between child-rearing and hospital visits!

I'm sure there are items I have missed. But for $160,000 per year in drugs alone, these cheap tokens are barely a symbolic gesture of kindness! Nevertheless, I'm grateful what I have and can laugh at that I have the ugly mugs to use in my camper.

What's on your list? I pray that this brings a smile to the challenges of your day!

Pray: Lord, so much of how we operate as humans seems ridiculous. Rather than getting angry, help me to look at these things and laugh! I know you give me the gift of laughter to carry me through all of life's difficulties. Thank You, Father!

PRAYER FOR THE NEW SCHOOL YEAR

2011-08-23T19:52:00.000-05:00

"God's love, though, is ever and always, eternally present to all who fear him,
Making everything right for them and their children..." Psalm 103:17, MSG

Well, it's back-to-school time, and if you're anything like the average parent, you're nervous. With the new school year comes the inevitable anxiety of the unknowns. Will this teacher be a good fit for my child? Will the academics be at an appropriate level? What battles will we face this school year? Can we avoid bullying or build friendships? Is having a good school year too much to ask?

I'm like anyone else who has a child with special needs. My two with special needs both have new teachers AND new principals! I wonder if the team will be as cooperative as the ones I had last school year. And my eldest, who has no special needs now enters high school. I'm concerned about my adequacy with managing three children in three different schools this year. The uncertainty that feels like standing on Jell-o always rears its ugly head this time of year.

But it's times like these that we can praise God for His precious promises! I know that although I'm uncertain, He's not. He is in full control and able to manage anything that comes at us this year. He goes before, beside and behind my kids as each of them enter school. He's there on the job with them even when I'm not. And He assures me that everything will work out alright when I seek after Him and obey Him.

This may sound like platitudes to those who don't have an intimate relationship with their creator. After all, there are still problematic instructors and schools lacking programming. What then? Where is a loving God at times like this? We've been there, and I'm here to tell you that we could not have survived those years without the hand of the Lord. We've had times where, in our humanness, we wanted to just give the teacher an earful, because she was uncooperative and lacked compassion. But then we were surprised by other staff coming to our aid, pleading our case for us. We've had times where an unfamiliar diagnosis made the staff more compassionate to a bullying child who had a more familiar challenge they were dealing with. To our surprise, an outside counselor firmly asserted our rights and helped us survive a rough school year.

My point is this, as the new school year faces each of us, let's keep our eyes fixed on the One who is able to make this a year with much growth and many happy memories. Let's commit this year to the Lord and trust that it will be one we will be pleasantly surprised by. Let's remember that worrying will not add one more day to our lives (Matthew 6:27), and instead give praise that He's numbered every hair on our children's heads (Matthew 10:30). Let's speak with wisdom and kindness to those who serve our offspring in a school setting in order that we might reflect the goodness of our God. Equipped with these thoughts, our school year can't help but be positive.

Pray: Dear Heavenly Father, I'm nervous about this school year. I'm uncertain of what lays ahead of us, but You're not. Go before me and my child(ren) into the school days. Manage any obstacles we may face. Help us to handle these with the grace and truth that reflect Your glory to all. And in Your goodness, make everything work out alright.

Recycled for God's Use

2011-08-20T07:00:00.001-05:00

"See, the former things have taken place, and new things I declare; before they spring into being I announce them to you.” (Isaiah 42:9, NIV)

Those who have followed me with any regularity of this past decade know that I am a big fan of Corrie Ten Boom and her incredible book THE HIDING PLACE. I have found this chronicle of her life hiding Jews during World War II to be a game-changer for me because it so clearly revealed how God ordains and permits things for His good purposes.

Long since after I first finished that book, I have been able to reflect on my own life and see how the Lord fit me for His good purposes in life just as he did Corrie. Through multiple miscarriages, I learned to be my own best medical advocate which has been a much needed skill in parenting children with special needs. Having once been an investment broker, budgeting and management of funds comes much more naturally to me as I run a non-profit organization. With many memories of forensics competitions and high school plays in my life experience, my Creator has fashioned me to be an uninhibited public speaker and legislative advocate for those with a serious diagnosis. And "Advanced Placement English" along with writing for the local village newspaper decades ago certainly benefits those I serve today.

I'm not alone either! Just today I came across an article about a Christian Michigan high school basketball coach who was willing to lay aside her career to parent her son with Down Syndrome and move in new directions that God is leading her. From the way she is quoted, it would appear that she is fully aware that her life experience and skills can be used in unique and unexpected ways.

What about you? Have you explored the notion that you have been fit with a specific combination of skills for the purpose you were made for? Might some of those experiences intersect with your parenting of a child with special needs? I certainly never would have actively sought out establishing a non-profit organization to lead! Don't limit what God can do with you! Be open to the new things the Lord can do with a willing and receptive heart.

Pray: Father, I thought my life was going in a direction very different from the one I have found myself in since a child with special needs came into our lives. Help me to keep my eyes focused on You, since through You, anything is possible. Don't let me miss the new purposes You have positioned me for in bringing glory to Your kingdom.

Approaching the Inevitable Storms

2011-08-16T06:34:00.000-05:00

But now, this is what the LORD says—
   he who created you, Jacob,
   he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
   I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
   I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
   they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
   you will not be burned;
   the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD your God,
   the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
   Cush and Seba in your stead.

~ Isaiah 43:1-3, NIV~

This weekend on a flight home, this scripture came to mind. Heading from East to West on my return, we were destined to encounter some stormy weather that had just been moving through the state we were to land in. The way the pilot handled the entire situation brought to mind many similarities with the storms of life we find ourselves flying towards.

As we flew way above the clouds, it was a beautiful view with few bumps along the way. But in order to reach our destination, we were going to have to descend down through that storm. With wisdom, the pilot decided to fly around to the back side of it, thus lessening the intensity of what we would have to get through. Despite his best efforts, there came a point where he just had to plunge into the stormy clouds without seeing where he was going, trusting only his air traffic controller and instruments. Eventually, the airport became visible. And even with lightning flashing all around us, we were able to safely arrive home.

How often we, in our roles as parents of children with unique challenges, see those unavoidable storms in life! We can only hover above the turmoil for so long before we are immersed in it. Yet if we take our time, attempting to approach the situation with prudence, we may find that we are better able to manage the situation. Putting off dealing with these storms will only result in a crash or a far rougher landing than if we had sought some discernment in what lays ahead.

Eventually we, like the pilot find ourselves thrust into a blinding set of circumstances. We can panic or we can trust the judgment God has given us and trust that He will safely guide us home. We can look at the weather or we can keep our focus on the Instrument that is leading us right to where we belong.

Sometimes it's just inevitable. We can't get to where we need to be without going through life's storms. If we handle them appropriately, we come out more skilled and capable than when we first approached them.

Pray: Lord, I know that nothing touches me without touching You first. When I have no choice but to walk through life's storms, give me wisdom and help me to remember you are there guiding me!

AT THE READY FOR GOD

2011-08-09T07:37:00.000-05:00

Eat what you want that night, and the next morning burn whatever is left. When you eat the meal, be dressed and ready to travel. Have your sandals on, carry your walking stick in your hand, and eat quickly. This is the Passover Festival in honor of me, your LORD. (Exodus 12:10-11, CEV)

This week our ministry has the distinct honor of once again collaborating with Christian Disciple Farm to lead a group of mothers who parent children and grandchildren with special needs during a family day camp. Today's curriculum referenced the Feast of Unleavened Bread (Passover), and the day's theme was "Be Ready for God". Remarkably, we explored themes on readiness, especially as it applies to our role in raising a child with unique abilities.

When we discussed the topic, the new pastor who joined us asked "What do you think God is getting you ready for?" The conversation quickly focused on what mothers thought their individual purpose or mission is. One mom felt the Lord was calling her to fight for her children. Another mom sensed she was called to look beyond her child with special needs to the other typical children she is raising. But one mom wisely asked, "How can we know for certain what God is getting us ready for?"

What a wise question indeed! While we all agreed that hindsight is 20/20, I assured the women that our relational Father does definitely lay out for us His will in His word. I likened it to an intimate conversation. When we pray, God is listening to us. When we read His word, we are listening to Him. With that in mind, I explained to the women that no matter what the smaller battles at hand, the big picture is that God is daily preparing us to look more and more like His son, Jesus. "And we all, who with unveiled faces reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit," 2 Corinthians 3:18 (NIV) assures us. That means with every situation, we are stretched and made more useful to others around us. We carry the hope that only the gospel can give to those around us.

This caused another mother to share with the group Hebrew 11:1 (NIV), "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for and the certainty of things not seen." This mom, who is going through multiple challenges right now talked about how this life in Christ is what allows her to keep her sense of humor in adversity. And I confirmed to the ladies that it is this very thing that will make us stand out to others, causing them to wonder what allows you to have such a joy-filled demeanor in spite of your circumstances. It doesn't even have to be in the special needs arena that God uses us. Anywhere there is a hurting heart, a difficult battle, we should be ready to be sent by our King as an ambassador of hope.

What about you? Do you find yourself ready, willing and able, like the Israelites before they were lead out of Egypt? When God says "Go!" will you do so obediently with a sense of the greater purpose? My hope is that the life experience you have been prepared with will not go to waste, but will be a beacon creating joyful anticipation in all who witness it.

Pray: Lord, I don't even know what you may want me to be ready for, but I am yours. You know what to prepare me for. Help me to keep my eyes and ears open to all the things you are trying to teach me.

Decisions, Decisions!

2011-08-05T06:27:00.001-05:00

The Lord has given you sorrow and hurt like the bread and water you ate every day. He is your teacher; he will not continue to hide from you, but you will see your teacher with your own eyes. If you go the wrong way—to the right or to the left—you will hear a voice behind you saying, "This is the right way. You should go this way." (Isaiah 30:20-21, NCV)

One of the more stressful parts of parenting a child with special needs is the countless number of decisions you are required to make on an ongoing basis. And these decisions aren't merely like choosing a hairstyle that can grow out once cut. These are pivotal choices that seem to determine our child's health, well-being and future at every turn.

Amidst this life of determinations, often comes confusion. Because of the weight we feel in making these decisions on our children's behalf, it is not unusual to find ourselves stuck, uncertain which direction we should move in a given circumstance. Do we push for an IEP over a 504 plan at school? Do I move forward with the doctor's protocol even though I don't feel good about the direction they are taking? Do I open up about my child's difficulties or maintain their dignity by guarding privacy? Which battles do I fight, and which do I let go of? Questions like these are a mere drop in a bucket flooded with choices.

Add to that list questions of faith. Is this the most godly way for me to handle this conflict? Am I still being Christian if I assert myself? Do I complain to the church about the insensitive way my child and I have been treated? These types of questions will REALLY turn our brains to Jell-O!

But to our great fortune, we have a God who cares about every detail of our complicated lives. Through the power of the Holy Spirit, we have amazing assistance with all of these involved decisions. Wisdom is one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit. We merely need to take hold of that gift.

How do we gain access to this unique tool that the Lord has bestowed upon those who trust in Him? It is a matter of spiritual intimacy. By that I mean we must quiet ourselves and sit at God's feet each day. Immersing ourselves in the Word of God helps us get to know Him better. We more readily see how His best for us is carried out. We get a picture of how He operates. And amazingly, the Bible is the only book in the world that reads us as we read it! Our hearts are examined and our conscience awakened as we spend time in the Scriptures. We learn to ask better questions of God as we spend time listening to what He has to say.

Prayer must also accompany our daily Bible reading. Asking God for discernment is a prayer that pleases Him because we are seeking to do His will. Years ago, I learned from a friend the prayer that I pray too often these days, "Lord, I'm a fool, so make Your will abundantly clear to me. Spell it out for me!" This has served me well, as I'm sure it would you. Bringing your angst to Him and sharing your frustrations with God is part of the intimacy too. Jesus suffered all the earthly things you do, so He has understanding to share with your troubled heart.

Look at this time as having a personal conversation with God. You listen to what He has to say by reading His word. And He listens to you as you pray. This intimate gift will provide you the assistance you need in making these numerous, intense decisions for your child.

Even so, there are times where every Christian still does not have a clear sense of which direction to take in a situation. One of two things can be done at times like these. A person can wait on the Lord until they feel a confident path laid before them. After all, that clarity is promised by God. It will also stretch your character as you are forced to wait in patience. The other option is to move forward with confidence that your Heavenly Father will cover any mistakes you make along the way and use all things to their good. Your Savior already paid the price for the mistakes you will unintentionally make and God is the ultimate recycler using each decision for the good as promised in Romans 8:28.

Either way, know that you have a loving Father who cares deeply about every detail of your life as well as your child's life. He's numbered every hair on your heads. How will He not then guide you in making important decisions for yourself and the child He has entrusted to your care?

Pray: Lord, you are my teacher and lover of my soul. I anxiously wait to hear your voice on which direction I should go with my decisions. Guide me!

What Would I Do Without YOU?

2011-08-02T08:51:00.000-05:00

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! (1 John 3:1, NIV)

Allow me, if you will, to have an honest moment with you. This has been one of the toughest summers of my life. Not that I haven't been through tough things before. I have had summers where I have been on crutches with knee troubles from osteoarthritis. I have had summers where my husband was working for cash to make ends meet because he was between jobs. I have had a couple of summers where I was in the first few years of figuring out life with hemophilia and still in crisis mode because we weren't yet approved for home therapy.

But this summer is different. We unexpectedly lost my father just over a month ago. Just the heart ache of not being able to hug him and joke with this sassy Irishman is enough. Yet, there are so many other pieces to this loss. Helping a son with anxiety disorder process such a thing brought me plenty of concern. So did helping a little girl diagnosed with ADHD, SPD and social deficits. Overall, it's just been adjusting to a new life without him.

What has been especially challenging is caring for my mom. They still lived in their own home on a third of an acre lot about 40 minutes away from my home. Mom is disabled, without one hip due to the misfortune of osteoporosis and several failed hip replacement surgeries. Despite having 5 other siblings, I am the one locally who she has the most trust in. Flattering as that may be, this results in many demands on my time and the added stress of more responsibility.

In addition, my son is also having oral surgery this summer. Having hemophilia, this becomes much more involved because the mouth is so vascular. Making countless calls to the insurance company to get this approved to be done in a hospital versus a dentist's office took over 3 months, but the calls didn't end there. Talking to his hematologist to develop a care plan, running to the dentist to pay half down on the astronomical bill, getting a last minute pre-surgical physical exam and unexpected immunizations has all been more involved than the typical kid would go through.

My point in this transparency is not to invite you to my personal pity party, but to share with you the value in times like these. For it is in times like these where we are "hard pressed on every side" (2 Corinthians 4:8-9) that give us pause to think, "How would I do this without Jesus?". You see, despite our trials, we all still have jobs to do, homes to keep, bills to pay, laundry to wash. We have the seasonal demands of holidays, and back-to-school, and yard work, and travel. Frankly, it's humanly impossible to meet all these challenges on our own. These are the times that it is such a great relief to have a solid faith in the redeeming power of Jesus. I know that it is only by His power that I survive these things and survive them well!

My question to God of "What would I do without You?" then quickly becomes, "What are people who DON'T know You doing to survive this sort of stuff?". Sadly, we know many of the answers to that. Drinking, drugs, verbal or physical abuse, marital dysfunction, severe depression and bitter apathy are common in the overwhelming situations of too many people's lives. People are so desperately in need of that eternal hope in these hopeless times.

One of the greatest gifts I have received in this heavy, difficult summer is the tender message from God, "Life is so hard, but My blessings and love are greater still." That hope fills me with joy at the same time I am enduring great sorrow. I feel my Father's lavish love just by watching light glisten off of a gently lapping lake or by seeing the sun glisten off each individual needle of a whooshing pine tree. I feel so immensely grateful for the gift of chatting with a friend who shares common experiences, for the opportunity to see a kitten snuggling with a dog 20 times her size, for the chance my kids have to go to summer camp through generous scholarships. The goodness God lavishes on me is far greater than the anguish that life throws at me in this sinful, imperfect world. And even on days when I can see that goodness, I know I have the blessed assurance of heaven.

Those same blessings are available to all, but sadly, too many don't know it. Shouldn't that compel us to share the hope of the gospel with others who suffer around us without knowing Jesus? God has allowed a set of circumstances in our lives that uniquely position us to share with others the eternal hope that is available to all who are willing to receive it. Peter tells us in his first letter, "...Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander." (1 Peter 3:15-16, NIV)

Not feeling all so hopeful in your overwhelming circumstances? Maybe it's time to begin with yourself. If you are a believer in Jesus, do you have an unopened gift right there in your possession? Do you not recognize that your God is bigger and more gracious than any trouble you could face? Wow! Stop to think about the magnitude of that for a minute! That same amazing glory that raised Jesus from the grave is available to YOU, and to anyone you would be willing to share that hope with!

Let me leave you with a little cliche of unknown origin, "We have nothing without Him, but with Him we have everything!" And a song of hope to inspire you as well:

My prayer for you today is that you would find many sweet moments before our Maker thinking, "What would I do without YOU?".

Sandpaper

2011-07-19T09:21:00.001-05:00

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. (James 1:2-4, MSG)

If you follow this blog, you may remember that we had some construction done on our home this past winter. We had heard about the insane mudding and sanding process and the mess it leaves, but seeing it was another thing. The workers, meticulously go over every seam in the drywall that they plastered in to make it completely smooth and invisible once painted over. In fact, being the perfectionist that he is, our remodeler, Darren, obsessed over a seam he saw reveal itself after painting and almost returned on the weekend to repair it. When they emerge from this job, the wall looks good, but the poor workers look miserable, covered in drywall dust. So what a gift that these guys were willing to go back at it to get that rough edge to cooperate!

God has taught me that he uses many of the people in our lives just like that sandpaper the workers used on the wall. We just have to open our eyes to see it for what it is.

How many of us with children who have special needs deal with abrasive people? First there's the doctor who thinks they know better than us and won't listen to our concerns. Then there's the teacher that makes our child's school days unbearable and the administration that won't help us improve it. Add to that the neighbor kid who refuses to play with our child. And after that the critical family member who thinks that if we were just a better parent our child wouldn't have these troubles. Even our child themselves, with all of their ailments, needs and behaviors can absolutely wear our nerves raw.

But that is exactly who and what God uses to perfect us and smooth out our rough edges. You see faith untested is no faith at all. When everything seems to be going wrong, holding onto our hope in the Lord is true faith indeed. And that kind of faith is only grown and expanded through the repeated testing of trials.

The same is true of our Christian behavior. Not losing our cool or acting nasty is an unnatural response for us hedonistic humans. The world tells us it's our right to tell people what we really think of them and how they're treating us. But God tells us that a fool gives full vent to his anger (Prov 29:11), and we are to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us (Matthew 5:44). Do we really believe what we profess on Sunday? Only a testing of those beliefs will truly reveal if we do. And if we seek after that pleasant peculiarity that only Christianity provides, we are grown and stretched by the difficult people in life.

The next time that certain someone is dancing on your last raw nerve, take a deep breath. Close your eyes and remember that you have some seams that are popping out, some rough edges that need to be taken off. And the God who loves you is willing to get messy just like the construction workers in order to yield a product that will make you both much happier in the end.

Pray: "God, help me to cooperate with your work, realizing that I'm not perfect. Let difficult people do Your work in building the type of character that will bless others around me."

Poorly Equipped

2011-07-15T09:38:00.000-05:00

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. (Psalm 91:4, NIV)

A number of weeks ago, my youngest was thrilled to announce to us all that a robin had made her nest in a crabapple tree right outside of my bedroom window. If she got up on a stool with 2 steps she could peer into the nest and see the beautiful blue eggs the robin had laid. Given her social deficits and ADHD which provide challenging in her comprehending consequences, I had to be very clear with her and stay on top of her to keep her from constantly being in that nest. Frankly, I thought this was a lost cause. Nevertheless, a week or two ago she joyfully announced that the robin had hatched her chicks out. I shared her joy, telling her I could hear them peeping outside my window and see them lifting their little beaks in need of food as I moved around the yard watering flowers. Needless to say, mama robin was irritable with our movement near that area as she attempted to protect her young from our perceived threat.

Two nights ago, my eldest had her friend over to do some silly teenage filming. As these girls are reasonably good and responsible young ladies, it never occurred to me to ask them to stay away from the crabapple tree. Before I knew it, they had walked in that direction and not only stirred up mama robin, but also her young in flight. I shooed the girls away thinking that the birds would be fine after that. Unfortunately, it wasn't long before one of the babies was stuck by our front door, disoriented and unable to engage in full flight. Once again, I directed the girls away from the baby robin and relied on nature to do what it does best in resolving its own dilemmas.

Relieved the next morning when the baby bird was gone, I thought this was the end of the saga. I was wrong. My youngest came bolting into the house announcing that one of the baby birds was stuck in our garage. Armed with a broom and dustpan to help coax the baby bird in the right direction, I came to her aid. It took me by complete surprise when I saw how high this chick could get off the ground, which made helping it pretty difficult. It kept getting stuck in corners or under things in the garage in complete disorientation before I finally managed to get it outside. Finally free, it cried for its mother, which I pray produced the results we all hoped for.

So why I am I droning on about the drama of the baby robin? Because there I saw God. I saw myself in that baby robin. As I watched it, I couldn't help but think that I must look just like it every time trouble scares me up and I fail to stay under the safe shadow of my Father's wings. I flit here and there looking for answers, solutions to that by which I feel threatened, but only find myself trapped. I am poorly equipped for handling the things that only God is mighty enough to handle. And while I can catch some air, accomplishing a remarkable amount on my own, I am truly unable to engage in full flight. That privilege is reserved for He who watches over me and meets my every need. I would be best off right where I belong in the first place -- close to Him in full reliance.

How about you? Feeling trapped or ill-equipped for the challenge at hand? Take your shelter in the shadow of His wings!

Compassion Fatigue

2011-07-12T17:43:00.000-05:00

Don't you know? Haven't you heard? The LORD is the eternal God, Creator of the earth. He never gets weary or tired; his wisdom cannot be measured.~ Isaiah 40:28, CEV

A recent conversation with a friend of mine who had been raked over the coals brought forth the discussion of a common problem. The friend I was listening to was stunned that she had been mistreated by someone who knew her divorce had recently be finalized. How, she wondered, could this person be so unrelenting, so nasty when they knew she had suffered this loss not too long ago? Couldn't this individual see that she was putting unreasonable demands on my friend when grief was still fresh? How could an individual be so inhumane, especially one who was a supposed ally?

I comforted my friend, assuring her that what she was experiencing was not uncommon, but was instead a first-hand case of "compassion fatigue". This term came to me from our social worker when our son was a newborn, recently diagnosed with hemophilia. While people were shocked and concerned at such grave news when they expected to rejoice with us about his birth, there was definitely a limit to that concern. It was as if their compassion lasted only a brief, set period of time, and then we were expected to move on with life not mentioning it again. This, I told my friend, was not unlike what she was experiencing in her situation.

I seem to remember from one of my college courses (longer ago than I care to admit) a study being done on the average time people expected others to spend grieving significant loss. The brevity in the numbers was shocking! Because it was so long ago, I can't specifically cite the study, but I remember it being something as outrageous as expecting a person to be over the death of a spouse in something like 6 weeks. The college professor continued to teach us that it takes far longer to processes any significant change, good or bad, even to the extent of needing a full year to grieve for each year you knew the one you lost. This is rather inconsistent with the amount of time people are actually willing to listen and help you in dealing with said grief.

And unfortunately, there is plenty to grieve over when your child is diagnosed with a special need. A parent often grieves over the lost dreams for that child, the sports that may never be played, the words that may never be spoken. It is common to grieve over the life a parent once had prior to the special need being discovered. And there is always the grief of losing the predictability one perceives to have had in life.

Still, people come to a point where they ask you, "How's it going?", but they really don't want the answer. That's compassion fatigue. They may show up with meals or help initially, but they quickly forget about you. That is also compassion fatigue. There's also disgust that you're not functioning like a "typical" family nor quickly adapting to another major change in your child's diagnosis or treatment. Sadly, that too is compassion fatigue.

Lest you completely lose heart, know that there is One who never grows tired of listening to your heartaches or frustrations. He is available 24/7/365 to address your worries and tears. And He is well-known as the "Father of compassion and the God of all comfort". (2 Corinthians 1:3) Thankfully, that makes Him immune to "compassion fatigue".

When we cry out to Him and patiently wait, trusting that He will send us what we need when we truly need it, we are comforted in amazing ways. We often find TLC from others walking the same road as we are. It never ceases to amaze me who God has put into my life to fill that painful void left by a trauma. Curiously, strangers can cross our path offering that little bit of kindness when we least expect it to brighten our day. A person can let you skip ahead in the grocery line or give you their seat in the waiting room. And with complete irony, we find comfort often when we reach out to care for others. Going beyond our own troubles can offer perspective and mutual tenderness like nothing else.

These are just a few ways we can recover from compassion fatigue suffered at the hands of the well-intentioned, imperfect people in our lives. There is no limit to the resources the Creator of the Universe has to bring you comfort and aid in the unexpected places of life. Instead of being angry with humans who are just being humans, remember to reach out first to Him in your time of need. Then patiently wait trusting that He who never grows weary will be there to send you just the kind of tenderness you need.

*For further information on being helpful to those who grieve, visit http://www.helpguide.org/mental/helping_grieving.htm

FREAKING OUT!

2011-07-08T11:18:00.000-05:00

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand... For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Do not be afraid... do not fear,for I myself will help you,” declares the LORD, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel. (Isaiah 41:10, 13-14, NIV)

I read this passage in my devotional time the other morning. I must have come across these verses dozens of time in the past, and found them inspiring as well as encouraging. I have viewed them as gentle comfort at a time when I may be freaking out. But this time of reading these verses was completely different.

When I immersed myself in these words from the Lord this time, He helped me to see them with fresh eyes. And this time was more like a smack of admonition than a cuddle of compassion. I saw that while God's words here are soothing, they are also firm.

Let's pull it apart. First off, when you read these words from the book of Isaiah, they are not a timid suggestion. They are a solid command. In fact, did you know that the most often repeated commandment in the Bible is to "fear not"? And when the Creator of the Universe repeats Himself, he's really trying to get a point through our thick skulls!

He reminds us in this passage of who He is as well. "I am your God... your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel." If He was powerful enough to purchase us back from the fate that our sin subjected us to, is He not capable enough to handle our troubles? If He is great enough to be called the Holy One of Israel, God of an entire chosen nation, is He not greater than our biggest problem? He is God. We are not!

Additionally, He makes awesome promises to us in this passage. We are promised strength, repeated help and that we are being held onto and upheld. And a promise from God is no small thing! Even when we are faithless, He is faithful, so says 2 Timothy 2:13. When I actually get a minute to watch the clouds rolling by or see the stars twinkling at night, I am blown away by the notion that the Maker of the Universe would even give a hoot about a dust speck like me! How much more astonishing that He would be concerned enough about my well-being to make and keep these promises!

Of final note, He mentions His position with us and our position with Him in these verses. In Biblical times, the right hand of a king was a position of high honor. (Thus the term "right hand man".) Twice in this passage, God mentions the right hand. He first tells us he will "uphold... with my righteous right hand." Also, that He will take "hold of your right hand." This means that we are in a place of high honor with Him and that He desires have that same position in our lives.

So, put all these points together and what do you have? As I sat and let these words from the Lord penetrate my heart, I took it as a holy, "Knock it off! Stop freaking out! Don't you see how much I value you?! I've got everything handled!" What richness, honesty and depth this adds to these verses! I pray it does the same for you.

The Legacy of a Special Needs Grandparent

2011-07-05T15:12:00.000-05:00

Children's children are the crown of old men, and the glory of children are their fathers. ~ Proverbs 17:6, KJ21

Heartache came to set up residency in my soul again a couple of weeks ago. We had just concluded a much-needed one week vacation in the woods of Wisconsin, spending the last part of it fishing and relaxing with my parents and sister over Father's Day weekend. The next day, my sister called me very early in the morning to announce that my father had fallen over in his kitchen. She was following the ambulance to the hospital and asked if I might go stay with my mother who is disabled. Having been through many medical emergencies, we thought this might just be another long hospital stay with more involved care. But to our shock, a previously undiagnosed aneurism gave us only a few hours to say goodbye. And while I am working through the heartbreak of suddenly losing a parent and a dear friend, I find myself more grateful for the many blessings that surround his life and death.

One of the things I'm most thankful for in regards to my dad was the steadfast grandparent he was, not only to his typical, but also his special needs grandchildren. Of his 7 grandchildren, 4 of them have special needs. While this is never easy, especially to men of his generation, my father went above and beyond in humble ways that few would ever outwardly notice.

He was a man of dutiful service. "What can I do for ya?", was one of the phrases he was most known to utter. To that end, he became a faithful volunteer for the Great Lakes Hemophilia Foundation when he learned that this was one way he could support his grandsons and the daughters who raised them. He did thankless work like delivering fundraiser poinsettias and labeling newsletters to be mailed out. Additionally, he opened his wallet to support programming like patient advocacy or sending kids to camp. And his service went beyond formal organizations to reach out where he saw a need. Even in his old age, he was willing to shoot hoops or play catch with a little girl who had an endless need to move.

He also attempted to understand things that were completely foreign to him. Things like hemophilia, sensory processing disorder and ADHD were not something that were common to people of his generation. Discovering his grandchildren had things like this took him awhile to process, but once he had a general sense of what was happening, he was behind his family all the way.

In addition, he used humor and insights to edify his family. When he saw his daughters or his grandkids getting discouraged in the daily living, he was quick with a joke or an admonition to hang in there. He also had a great ability to see the assets each of these kids had rather than their deficits, recognizing talents whether they be academic achievement, athletic ability or just a nice personality.

And although he kept it to himself, he felt deeply the pain each of his children and grandchildren had to suffer. I remember him once saying to me, "Boy, kid, if it weren't for bad luck, you'd have no luck at all!" I also remember my son once being hospitalized and my dad having to get up to look out the window when my son screamed out in pain, fighting the staff over yet another needle jab. It ripped his heart out. When his family hurt, he hurt.

Service, understanding, humor and compassion. What more could you ask from a grandfather? Fortunately, that is the type of grandparent my dad blessed his grandchildren with. I pray no less for any other family who faces the challenges of raising a child with special needs!

Thinking Outside the Box

2011-06-24T14:09:00.000-05:00

"There is a man in your kingdom who has the spirit of the holy gods in him. In the time of your father he was found to have insight and intelligence and wisdom like that of the gods. Your father, King Nebuchadnezzar, appointed him chief of the magicians, enchanters, astrologers and diviners. He did this because Daniel, whom the king called Belteshazzar, was found to have a keen mind and knowledge and understanding, and also the ability to interpret dreams, explain riddles and solve difficult problems. Call for Daniel, and he will tell you what the writing means.” (Daniel 5:11-12, NIV)

Serving families who have a child with special needs can be an interesting proposition. To the well-intentioned, having a party with all sorts of giveaways for a child can be a speedy way to soothe the conscience and feel like you can check your act of kindness off the list for the day. But is that what this population really needs?

In the story of Daniel, he was highly regarded by his captors because of his mind. Not only was he wise, but he was also connected to God and known for outside-the-box mental acuity. Because of how he thought, people saw his great potential and ability to bring about the best outcome in a situation.

As I reflect on these qualities in Daniel, I think much of the same is required in serving families living with a disability. Just as practical things like food and drink are addressed in the Bible, so shouldn't we be thinking about meeting such needs in our care of one another? For our part, SNAPPIN' MINISTRIES has tried to think of these basic essentials by being innovative in providing parents with gift cards for gas, groceries and a dinner out. I knew there was value to our creative thinking when a mother expressed at one of our meetings how she went without shampoo because in her exhaustion, she just couldn't bring herself to load her daughter with CP into the car one more time that week. Our pampering gift basket provided that little something to let her know that Jesus cares about every detail of her life.

Also of note in the Bible is Daniel passionate need to be in regular connection with his God. Despite the threat of death, he continued to worship and pray each day. Why should we not seek to find inventive ways to remove the obstacles to prayer and worship to all in the special needs community? Places like Friendship Ministries provide curriculum to the cognitively impaired. Key Ministry seeks to include those with invisibilities like ADHD or autism. Rest Ministries places their emphasis on support for those living with chronic illness. Each one of these organizations is unique in their approach to making available something that the typical community takes so much for granted. And these are the very things families with special needs finds meaningful.

Our lives can be messy. The doctor's appointments, financial strains, school battles and stressful living can be things that make people keep us at arm's length. What we need from the church, and what Jesus commands, is small acts of kindness and long-term perseverance that edifies us in the daily journey.

To reach people they've never reached before, Christians will need to do things they've never done before. And the only way to get to these things is to meet those of us weighted by the daily living with well thought out, imaginative acts of loving kindness.

What sort of original acts of kindness would you like the Christian community to show you? We'd love to hear!

CELEBRATE!

2011-06-15T13:39:00.000-05:00

Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom. One generation commends your works to another; they tell of your mighty acts. They speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty — and I will meditate on your wonderful works. They tell of the power of your awesome works — and I will proclaim your great deeds. They celebrate your abundant goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness. (Psalm 145:3-7, NIV)

Our eighth grader graduated last Friday. It took some convincing on our parts, but our daughter finally bought into the fact that this marking of the transition from middle school to high school is a big occasion. So the butterflies arrived in her stomach that morning before she departed. My husband and I arrived toting a lovely bouquet, early enough to select the optimal seat. Their orchestra played complex classical pieces as she, along with her 188 classmates nervously and joyfully shuffled into a packed gym all dressed in their best attire. As the ceremony commenced, their choirs sang songs reflecting this season of their lives. The principals and school superintendent gave glowing addresses. And two students delivered lively and inspiring speeches mature beyond their age. Of course, the diplomas were handed out along with certificates of achievement, and the students cheered as they were pronounced as graduates to conclude. While cake and punch was served immediately afterwards, our celebration as a family came when we enjoyed dinner together at a chain restaurant that evening. No doubt, it was a memorable occasion.

Reflecting back, however, I realize that we have more than this momentous occasion to celebrate from this past school year. Our son made the transition into middle school from grade school this year. It was exciting and fearful for him all at the same time. The teacher he had was beyond our wildest imagination when it came to the tenderness he needed. While he battled so much anxiety and missed many school days, he progressed wonderfully in the last quarter. It seemed he had made great progress in living with his PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), and he became more cooperative with his infusions. He barely had any nosebleeds this past year, no joint bleeds, and no major injuries. His grades were advanced for his age level despite any bumps in the road he faced. Even one of these things on its own would be a big deal, but together they are truly amazing!

Then there’s your youngest. We can feel proud that we attempted auditory integration therapy for her late last summer. While it made things worse for her, at least we eliminated one course of treatment in her regime of drug-free therapies for treating her ADHD. Although the teacher we had for her didn’t seem to be the best fit, the rest of the school team came around us remarkably and put her through a huge battery of tests to help us with diagnoses. Thankfully, we were able to eliminate language processing difficulties. In fact, she was off the charts in that area! And we finally were able to have her diagnosed with SPD (sensory processing disorder) as well as social deficits. While I shed some tears over it, she received an IEP in January that served her well. The occupational therapist at the school was wonderful in helping me with getting our little treasure to work through getting her hair brushed, which was no small task with this sensory child. The special ed teacher was amazing, using a Wii to help her with proprioceptive challenges. And the principal never failed to let me know how much she loves my daughter. All of this helped us move from feeling absolutely defeated to feeling like we were gaining ground in assuring her a bright future.

The point in me sharing these stories with you is that God wants us to take time to celebrate. He created Sabbath so that we could even slow down enough from our daily laboring to realize that we have a reason to celebrate! And it doesn’t even have to be a big occasion like a graduation either. Rejoicing over life’s small victories keeps us going for life’s next challenges. Holding a festive party fills us up and reminds us of why we work so hard, so that when we are required to be poured out, we can carry on knowing that there will be a sense of accomplishment in the end. In fact, many times the only reason for undergoing is knowing that there will be the party of overcoming in the end!

When we don’t intentionally make that time to celebrate, we deprive ourselves of much of what God intended for us. We survive rather than thrive. Missing half of the equation in a situation that God saw fit to allow in our lives, we can become bitter and hardened. There is a huge need for us to open our eyes to all of the goodness around us and respond in turn with gratitude and celebration!

Look back on this past school year now that summer vacation has or soon will arrive. Even if there were heartaches, what were the good things that happened this past year? Maybe it was just one good doctor’s appointment or one nice teacher. Perhaps it was just being glad that the school year is behind you. It could even be as simple as learning one new life skill, but that reason to celebrate is there. God loves you and holds out reasons to rejoice even in the toughest of times. Open your eyes and your heart to them! Enjoy some cake & ice cream! What are YOU celebrating from this past school year? We’d love to hear about it and celebrate with you!

Surrendering the Need to Know Why

2011-06-07T06:28:00.000-05:00

Each morning let me learn more about your love because I trust you. I come to you in prayer, asking for your guidance. ~ Psalm 143:8, CEV

Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you. ~ Psalm 143:8, NLT

This weekend my husband and I will celebrate your nineteenth wedding anniversary. And while all of those years haven't been a bed of roses, I would say that we've grown to know each other better and better through both adversity and joy. We've come to understand one another's strengths and challenges. When my husband does certain things in his areas of expertise, such as the lawn, the car or the mechanicals on the house, I don't need to ask him "Why?" because I realize that he knows what he is doing, while I, in turn, am utterly clueless.

Our relationship with the Sovereign Lord is much the same. To our great benefit, our God is the God of relationship. He wants to spend time with us daily, sharing His heart with us and having us share our hearts with Him. He wants us to get to know Him better each day. While we can never completely get our minds around an omnipotent, omniscient, all-powerful God, He wants us to grow in understanding of His character, who He is and how He works. He is anxious to pour out His lavish love upon us, not harm us. He sets boundaries in our lives for our safety, for our good and for His glory. How precious that relationship becomes as we draw close to Him!

With that level of intimacy and understanding, why would it be necessary that I continue to question what He's doing? While my husband may do some things that seem unloving, I've grown to know him well enough over the past nineteen plus years that I realize there's more than meets the eye. He may be clumsy (in his humanity) or forgetful, but he still loves me. How much more then does a perfect God love us the same, unencumbered by all of the human shortcomings?

Parents of children with special needs can find themselves stuck in a question of "Why?". Why me? Why my child? Why aren't things getting better? Why won't the school cooperate? Why won't the doctors take me seriously? Why does everything have to be such a battle? Why would a loving God allow this?

To be brutally frank, I have found these questions to be pretty useless because for the most part, we will never know the answers to the majority of them. But that does not leave me feeling bitter or frustrated. I have quickly grown to a place where I can surrender my need to know why.

You see, I have grown to intimately know the One who has my very best at heart. When I keep my eyes fixed on Him, I can trust that He has things handled without needing to know the whys. If He allows something in my life, I know that it touches Him before it ever touches me. I know He alone has the ability to create good things out of messy circumstances. He alone creates beauty from ashes.

Now, lest I sound like a complete Pollyanna, let me assure you that this does not mean that I don't assert myself when I run into road blocks with school staff, medical staff or even family members. But it does mean that I'm much calmer and courteous when I trust fully that He'll work everything out in the end. Do I get irritated and frustrated? Yes! But I don't become obsessed and undone by a circumstance. I realize that there is much that goes on behind the scenes in any given situation, and that is where the God of both seen and unseen has to work on my behalf. Because I know what a gem He is, that I am His friend, and that He loves me passionately, I don't have to worry that He'll get the job done. I just run to Him with my troubles and rely on Him to do what He does best.

My friend, my prayer for you today is that you grow in intimacy with the Lover of your soul, so that you can surrender your need to know why in life's upsetting situations. He had things all figured out before you even appeared on the world stage. Is He not capable then of handling your day to day troubles? He loves you more than any human ever could, even giving His very life for you! Does that not deserve your devotion and attention? Know this, the One who holds the planets in place is the same One who rose from the dead to make a way for you to be with Him in bliss forever. Rest assured then that He can be trusted with all of the hurts and confusions that confront you every day of your life.

Storms On The Horizon

2011-06-02T07:56:00.000-05:00

A prudent person foresees danger and takes precautions. The simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences. ~ Proverbs 22:3, NLT

Who of us has not witnessed the horrific tragedy caused by tornadoes recently sweeping through communities like Tuscaloosa, Alabama, Joplin, Missouri and most recently Springfield, Massachusetts? Times like these remind us of the power of nature and how we can be suddenly caught off-guard by crisis. But the wisdom of God's word reminds us that consequences await us when we fail to prepare for the unexpected.

As parents of children with special needs, we are called and equipped to be good stewards of these precious gifts the Lord has given us. Extra measures must be taken in addition to the typical preparations people make for things like hurricanes and earthquakes. While the challenges we face can be exhausting, there are resources to turn to for help in planning. For example, The Center for Children with Special Health Care Needs out of Seattle Children's Hospital offers a brief overview on how to pack an emergency supply kit for parents. It highlights forms like the quick, easy to complete Care Plan and In Case of Emergency Form for you to update and have ready at a moment's notice. For something lengthier and more detailed, The American Red Cross has combined forces with FEMA to offer the 20 page guide, Preparing for Disaster for People with Disabilities and other Special Needs. This piece is really intended for adults with handicaps or challenges, but will definitely get anyone who is planning for a child with special needs thinking.

Since no one knows that special child like you do, how about working beyond the set formula that these venues offer? Do you spend time in God's word with your child? Packing small Bible story books and coloring pages will offer comfort to your child reminding them of the Father's presence and strength during fearful times. Also proven to be great stress relievers for children are fidgets (Kid Companions Chewelry is one of our favorites.), cherished stuffed animals and soft dough. Each child has their own item that soothes and comforts. Be mindful of such preferences when packing an emergency kit.

Certain things can easily be forgotten when planning for sudden crisis. For our family, having adequate amounts of infusable medication and ancillary supplies would be absolutely key. But don't forget the therapy animal, iPad or other assistive aids when planning. What equipment needs to go along with each of those things to make them functional? Make your own checklist to assure these are not left out when you need to move quickly.

While the loss of property and life in recent months has been heart rendering, if not for society's improved ability to warn and to plan in advance, the consequences would be far worse. Let this be a solemn reminder to us that our Maker intends for us to be wise in taking precautions for life's dangers. If tragedy strikes, may we be found to be the prudent ones.

The Right Kind of Role Model

2011-05-24T08:21:00.000-05:00

And you should imitate me, just as I imitate Christ. (1 Corinthians 11:1, NLT)

The context of modelling behavior for our children reaches a completely different level for those of us living with a child who has special needs. Various diagnoses require the role playing of behaviors the rest of the world would take for granted with their children. Children on the autism spectrum, those with cognitive delays or those lacking any sort of social skills can find help in both social stories and role playing. In fact there are even good resources out there for parents to link into for such work with kids.

A recent situation with my daughter who has social deficits truly impressed upon me the importance and urgency of this work in new ways. Our family has the privilege of owning a trailer on a seasonal site at a wonderful campground and resort about 2 hours away from our home. We all love to go there to refresh ourselves and enjoy some family time together. Basketball being one of our daughter's favorite sports, she asked to go play at the court which is the equivalent of perhaps one block away from our site. We joyfully and comfortably allowed her to go without an escort as this is a safe, gated community. However, when my husband went to call her home for the evening, he was notified by some other children there that she had left with another little girl and her father. As dark was quickly falling, my husband frantically searched for her around the grounds. More than once he returned to our site panicked, wondering if she had returned on her own. Eventually, she did come back, ear-to-ear smiles about the new friend she had made.

It was clear to me that she had some learning to do. I sternly, but lovingly took her into my lap and impressed upon her how inappropriate it was to leave with someone we don't know, especially without telling her parents first. Over and over we rehearsed what her address is and what she should do in a situation similar to that one in the future. The next morning, when she wanted to take off to be with her new-found friend, we role played together. She told me her address. I extended invitations, and she responded in socially appropriate ways, setting boundaries around what was and wasn't okay. I felt confident in allowing her to go, but I also checked in with the father of the girl she had made friends with. He was very nice, apologetic, and now, informed. We chatted about our girls and built a comfort in looking out for one another's children.

Now if all of this can occur so easily and commonly in the physical realm, what do we suppose happens in the spiritual realm? God gravely warns us in 1 Peter 5:8, "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." Shouldn't this call us as parents to be role-playing with our kids on matters of eternal value as well? If we're that worried about a human running off with our child's physical body, shouldn't we also be equally if not more concerned about someone running off with their souls?

Take note of a few things in the story of my daughter's wandering. First, we talked about what is appropriate. God calls us to do no less with His word. "Place these words on your hearts. Get them deep inside you. Tie them on your hands and foreheads as a reminder. Teach them to your children. Talk about them wherever you are, sitting at home or walking in the street; talk about them from the time you get up in the morning until you fall into bed at night. Inscribe them on the doorposts and gates of your cities so that you'll live a long time, and your children with you, on the soil that God promised to give your ancestors for as long as there is a sky over the Earth." (Deuteronomy 11:18-21, MSG) All of us are prone to selfishness and sin unless we are taught what is appropriate in the sight of the Lord. And we are so fortunate to be living in an age where there are countless varieties of children's Bibles and related tools to share with them. We should not let a day go by without making our children aware of what is appropriate.

Second in our handling of her "elopement" (as it is known in the special needs community), repetition was key. How do we have God's word written on our hearts if we don't repeatedly read it, write it, listen to it? Are you aware that the more senses you appeal to, the more likely something is to be retained? Therefore, sharing the Lord's expectations for us, what is acceptable and what is good in His sight, should be frequently shared in a variety of situations throughout daily life with our kids. This makes a lasting impression.

But the most lasting impression made is in the third notable from the story of our daughter - modelling. Rehearsing, acting out of those godly behaviors really sticks with our children. My friend Margo reminds me that faith is more often caught than taught. And the way they catch it is by watching us practice it as well as practicing it themselves. I can assure you that my kids readily remember major flubs I made when they were very young. They also retain things that we did in the light of Christ while they're watching. With us as their safe haven, it's the most comfortable place for them to try out their wings. We can also help them refine their behavior.

Finally, as in the story of my daughter, connect with other parents. None of us is an island. We need the support and cooperation of others who are in the same situation we are in. We need to determine if these relationships are going to build up or tear down what the Father has us teaching at home. We need someone who will report to us how our child is doing when they're out of our sight, so we know if progress is being made.

All of this work is most worthy in building up our children as our godly legacy. And when we invest our time and energy in such pursuits, we prove ourselves to be the right kind of role model.

PLAYING THE DISABILITY CARD

2011-05-18T06:58:00.000-05:00

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139:23-24, NIV)

I admit it. There are times when our kids' special needs are useful, and there are times when they are not. We want our kids to live a full, productive, happy life like anyone else. And yet, there are times when we could take advantage of some aid or would like some perks that we joke about "playing the hemophilia card". Crass, to be sure, but common.

It's ironic. We spend from little on trying to assimilate our kids into the general population. We strive desperately for inclusion. We pour ourselves into teaching them life skills, appropriate behaviors, responsibility, persistence and triumphing over their challenges with a positive outlook. But then we see an opportunity to acquire some free tchotchkes or perks on flights or at restaurants, and our child's disability suddenly appears front-and-center. We teach them the eternal vision of heaven, but then try to enforce equity through an attitude of entitlement here on earth.

Am I making you uncomfortable? Is this conversation taboo? That is not the point of it.

You see, I think that we need to come to terms with the fact that our children with special needs are different. We need to grieve appropriately, but then realize those differences are merely tools in the hands of a faithful God. Yes, they have feelings, emotions, abilities and goals just like every other child. But we need to accept their differences and adjust accordingly. Then we need to surrender to using these challenges to glorify our Maker in every way possible.

In addition, we need to deeply examine our own consciences before God when it comes to making accommodations or receiving assistance for those children. I've had other parents tell me, "Go ahead and take the aid! You're who it's meant for!" But what if I can afford to send my own child to camp? Shouldn't I rightly pay my share and leave that money for a family who more desperately needs it? Do I really need to go to the front of the line at the amusement park or do I merely feel I'm entitled? When I am not humble in such matters, I give those who are truly in need a bad name.

Controversial and weighty, this query cannot be solved in one brief blog post. These are questions we continually need to be searching out in our own hearts and minds. We can only come to the ultimate truth if we make daily time to spend in God's Word. When we do so, not only do we learn what the Lord expects of us, but we are blessed by the only book that reads us as we read it! Spend some time reflecting on this today, and use it to help make you the kind of special need parent that God intended you to be.

Celebrations!

2011-05-10T06:47:00.000-05:00

For of Him and through Him and to Him are all things, to whom be glory forever. Amen. (Romans 11:36, NKJV)

There are times in our lives when, despite life's challenges, our hearts can feel so full they might explode. May has produced one such month for me. Besides delighting in my daughter's ninth birthday, there is Mother's Day, and later my own birthday followed by Memorial Day. It seems we spend this stretch moving from one celebration to another.

It occurred to me the other day how much God created times like this for our souls. Celebrations produce many valuable things besides the obvious surface enjoyment.

Celebration creates a time to pause. We stop the treadmill of our ordinary days to denote more remarkable ones. For just a little while the daily demands and challenges have to wait because we have something much more exciting to do. There's time to eat cake... and to receive flowers ...and to just relax in laughter together. Where would we find ourselves without such breaks! It refreshes the soul and brightens our spirits.

Celebration brings a time to reflect. When my daughter's birthday arrived, I couldn't help but look back on the past 9 years. My pregnancy with her was a very difficult one, resulting in bed rest for the last 4 months. She was a little imp who always presented challenges for me. But I look at how God brought us through so many difficult days, comforting us with a diagnosis and plans for help. I marvel in amazement when I see how far the school staff has brought her. I'm thrilled that I can even have some enjoyable time with just the two of us alone as she begins interacting appropriately. And at Mother's Day I pondered the experience of being triply blessed. How could my heart be anything but filled to overflowing with gratitude?

Celebration does induce gratitude. These special times do cause rejoicing which we would not experience but by the hand of a generous and loving Lord. Whether it be in remembering those who served in the military, a birthday, a founding of a nation, a time together as a church family or any other occasion, the utter fullness of so many good things that God has for us is front and center. The blessings of having reached a goal or landmark, of good food, of family and friends are all there to relish. Why should we get to enjoy such things when there are so many suffering in persecution or oppression around the world? Yet, here are these times to treasure up in our hearts. How can we not give God all the thanks and see how glorified He is by such events?

Celebration is one way we are used to glorify God. As I've said in the past, "Whether you are aware of it or not, people are watching you." When others see you filled with joy and having fun in spite of the difficulties in your life, they are naturally attracted to you. They want to know what's different about you. They want to know how you do it. Celebration is evidence of God's fingerprints all over your life! It gives you the opportunity to share an amazing Father with people around you. At our special occasions, others who do not have a personal relationship with their Creator get a chance to enter in to the prayers we pray aloud. At Christmas, we send a letter with our cards detailing what God has done in our lives over the past year. So many have seen through these things our son defying the odds with his health, our daughter defying the odds with her accomplishments, and the rest of us defying the odds with our cohesiveness (imperfect as it may be) as a family. We carry the Gospel in very practical ways to the average person. How truly amazing to be used by the Lord of the Universe in such ways!

No matter how heavy life is today, make sure you take time for those celebrations your Heavenly Father has placed in your life. Enjoy them to their fullest. And grant them the opportunity to accomplish all God meant them to in your life and the lives of all around you. They go far beyond a mere party!

Mentioning Mark

2011-05-03T15:17:00.000-05:00

"Encourage each other every day while you have the opportunity. If you do this, none of you will be deceived by sin and become stubborn." (Hebrews 3:13, GWT)

Some days working in a community of those who parent children with special needs is a discouraging one. Don't get me wrong. This isn't meant to be a pity party. But all too often I feel lost. I lack direction. And I wonder what the heck I'm doing.

It's easy for me to question whether or not the work of this organization is making a difference in people's lives. The size of the mission field is so incomprehensibly huge. Too few churches really offer the practical and spiritual love of Christ to families who have a child with special needs. Still, if ever there was a group of people in desperate need of that eternal hope, it's them.

And too many families take the path of least resistance rather than choosing to do the right thing in any given situation. Schools resist giving needed, required services. Doctors act as if they know better than parents what is best for a child. Outsiders gossip and critique on how a mother or father is doing with their child rearing. So worn out couples give up or give full-vent to their anger instead of pressing on to be the example God calls them to be.

Given all of these facts, I so often think I want to throw in the towel and walk away from this type of ministry. But then God shows me in small ways He is doing big work in people's lives. A brief mention in my pastor's sermon did that for me this past weekend.

I'm unsure now of how the story came about, but the pastor mentioned that during this same sermon the evening before, a young adult with severe disabilities had caused a stir resisting his father. The young man, named Mark, who is belted to a walker came charging out of his seat and down the aisle to stand right in front of the pastor. "What can we do for you, Mark?" he asked. "I just love my Savior Jesus," Mark replied. The pastor not only choked up in sharing this story with the congregation, but he got me crying too.

You see, Mark has survived brain cancer at a young age. He has had several surgeries and bears the scars to prove it. In addition to his walker, he requires hearing aids and glasses, and has little hair atop his head. He is cognitively impaired. And despite his challenges, his physical strength is absolutely remarkable.

Mark started attending church a number of years ago when I met him and his mom at camp. She was so sad and weary. And they were having no success at finding a church home that would offer them the love and acceptance that they so deeply desired. So I encouraged them to come give our church a try. After all, we had just built a lovely new building that was fully accessible and had seating carved out right in the middle, so a guy like Mark could sit amidst the other worshipers. They've been there ever since. His mom participates in the choir. And his dad is frequently there as a greeter at the door just waiting to shake your hand and tease you. His younger brother has found a home with the wonderful youth group we have as well. They are a part of our church family.

"See, you do make a difference! You had your part in Mark and his family being here. Just keep going!" were the words I heard God shouting to me when our pastor shared that story. I melted into tears. Isn't that just like our God, drawing people to Himself one life at a time? He's numbered every hair on our heads, even if we've lost most of it to cancer treatment! He cares deeply for each life He's created. And all He requires of us is to do the same.

Sometimes we get so weighed down by the hugeness of life's challenges that we forget the Father just wants us to do the little things that make a big difference to another human soul. If we each do our own small part to love another person, it glorifies God. And in turn, that person does the same for the next person in need. My pastor's part was unwittingly sharing a story that encouraged me deeply on Sunday. Surely, if I'm persistently obedient in what God's telling me to do, I'll be doing the same thing for others.

IF WE ARE THE BODY

2011-04-26T07:40:00.000-05:00

The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unrepresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. (1 Corinthians 12:21-26, NIV)

As churches, we are really good at doing momentary random acts of kindness. We'll schedule a program or a day to feed the hungry, bring clothes to the poor or visit a nursing home. But unfortunately, I'm not convinced that these expressions of Christian charity have actually become the way of life for us that Jesus intended.

These are interesting times in which we live. State and Federal budgets are broken and strained to say the least. This is particularly troubling to those in the special needs community who rely on essential services. I recently attended a number of "listening sessions" on these government programs, not only to share how they might be improved in money-saving ways, but also to hear what was on the heart of those I serve.

Sitting in these sessions, it occurred to me, "Why isn't the church doing more to stand in the gap?" In fact, I was aghast at one meeting where an inner city charity touted what it's doing, begged not to have funding cut, but was emphatic that it didn't want to do any more to help than what it was already doing. I thought, are we really trying to help or just window dressing? Is this how God intended for us to live?

The fact is that if you look at the entire word of God, there is NO government mandate to serve the hurting and less fortunate. That charge is given to US, the Body of Christ. We are to be the hands and feet of Jesus, providing financial aid, helping those confused with what their options are, plugging people in to resources, and just spending time listening. It's laughable that in the United States churches and charities are given a tax-exempt status, but we squander it on more beautiful buildings, huge church staff and fancier worship services. Our real mission should be equipping every person in the pew to go forth and make a shining difference in the community on an ongoing basis.

What would this look like if we actually arose to the calling? Volunteers would deliver people to church, activities or shopping on a regular basis without having to be begged. Programming for families with a member who has special needs would be as common as the church choir. Having people over to dinner without any expectation of reciprocation would be our delight. And rolling up our sleeves to get dirty in another person's home or yard would become second nature. We would more readily see a need and fill it or connect others to people who can.

Our entire ministry is built around supporting at least a small portion of the less fortunate in our culture. Still, I never feel like we can do enough. It is hard not to judge our fellow church-attending friends who drop in to help a cause only when it's occasionally convenient. I am disgusted by the phrase, "But I'm just too busy." In a society where we are more worried about buying our pets a winter coat or taking them to a massage parlor than delivering food to those living under bridges because of mental illness, it's difficult not to become overwhelmed with frustration.

Yet, if each of us just did a little part of the work, starting today, then the size of the job wouldn't be so insurmountable. We are each an essential part of the Body of Christ. God has fit us each with unique gifts, experiences and abilities to strengthen the whole. When an arm is broken, it's inconvenient, and the rest of the body has to work a little harder to compensate for the injury. Our lives as Christians are no different. Are you willing to do your part?

The Day Special Needs Came to Town

2011-04-11T06:18:00.000-05:00

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.~ Romans 12:2, NIV

Our son's birthday (He turns 11 on 4/11/11.) always brings to mind our introduction to a life with special needs. You see, having had two cousins with hemophilia, a genetic disorder that can run in families, his umbilical cord blood was tested at birth. The day after his birth we received the serious news that our son had Severe Hemophilia A. And it turned our world upside down. While this bleeding disorder will remain with him the rest of his life, most notable in the early days was the way it changed us.

As with all of my children, our son had jaundice right after birth, so we underwent "baptism by fire" with his uncontrolled bleeding from the heel pricks of testing bilirubin. In a flash we were in the neonatal ICU with him receiving his first infusion of clotting factor. My heart just broke as I saw him and all of the other newborn babies fighting these medical battles just out of the womb.

Since I had volunteered and been on the Board of Directors for our state's hemophilia foundation for over a decade prior to our son's birth, I was well-connected when we received the diagnosis. A mere month after his birth, we found ourselves at a regional conference for hemophilia. I reeled in shock seeing children with deep, large bruises in unusual places and adults on crutches. Reviewing information handed out I saw photos of toddlers with badly bruised behinds from falling while learning to walk. I went back to our hotel room and sobbed in disbelief that this is what our life would be like. "We can't be one of these!", was all I could think.

Only months after his birth, my husband found himself "downsized" in a corporate merger. In order to qualify for the extended COBRA carryover insurance that our family would surely need with our son's expensive diagnosis, I had to fill out paperwork to get him deemed "disabled" by the Social Security Administration. Having the letter of determination arrived with that label placed on our son was another time of great sadness and disbelief. Even though we needed the help it would provide, the pain of our new reality was a great heaviness to bear.

Fast forward two years after his birth, and God had called us to minister to other parents just like ourselves. Since we had a calling but no education, we attended a disability ministry conference in another state for further training. Much to my surprise, I found myself in another phase of denial. The wheelchairs, walkers, sign language and unusual behaviors all brought me back to the feeling, We can't be one of these!

I share these emotions not to offend, but to share how God transformed us. He moved us from repulsion to acceptance, from grief to joy. He helped us redefine "normal" in our lives. When special needs came to town an moved in with us, it made us new people. It increased our wisdom, understanding and compassion. Ironically, special needs decreased our level of worry and increased our level of flexibility. We became stronger, not by our own strength, but by the power of the Holy Spirit taking over in our lives.

Had it not been for special needs we would not have entered into this ministry. We would not have touched other lives with a message of hope. We would not have a powerful story to share to encourage others. We would be more self-centered and less concerned for others. We would not be focused on the important things in life the way we are now.

The day our son was diagnosed, my husband and I held hands and tearfully prayed together, "Thank you, God, for hemophilia. We don't know why we are thanking you for this, but we know you will do something good with this." While our lives are difficult and often heartbreaking, we have the gift of perspective. And we can now smile in hindsight as we say that we became truly blessed the day special needs came to town.

Get Out The Word!

2011-04-05T06:20:00.000-05:00

"Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows." (Isaiah 1:17, NLT)

Working in the arena of disability ministry, I can assure you that each month of the year is dedicated to awareness of a variety of different causes. March was Hemophilia Awareness Month. April is Autism Awareness Month. And so it goes. People advocating for these groups are called to give extra attention to getting out the word about these diagnoses to everyone around them.

It is interesting to note during these months that our secular life is not and should not be separate from our religious life. We can be helping those less fortunate as God calls us to do by making others aware of their situation. People often make judgments out of ignorance to a family's plight. Parents of kids with bipolar disorder or other "invisible disabilities" may be accused of being "bad parents". Kids with cerebral palsy may be thought to be cognitively delayed merely because of their unusual motion or speech. I myself have been regarded as a child abuser because my son with hemophilia had "angry" bruises in strange places.

God has equipped people like us for such a time as this! We can rise up to build understanding and compassion for families just like ours by educating the general public. When a critical remark is made because of ignorance, a good response can begin with, "Yeah, I used to think that too...." Grouped together, our individual voices can make a huge impact. Whether it be a lapel pin, a bumper sticker, a t-shirt or a walk-a-thon, your engagement can make all the difference in the lives of both those who are hurting and those who don't know any better.

What are YOU doing to change the world around you? I'd love to hear!

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

2011-03-28T09:16:00.000-05:00

"These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." (Deuteronomy 6:6-9, NIV)

I know you'll be shocked to hear this, but I often find myself frustrated and exasperated by my children's behavior. Too often I feel inadequate as a mother, wondering if they are learning a thing I've taught them or practiced with them at home.

Right after Christmas we undertook a project that we had been waiting to accomplish for 10 years -- We built out our basement. My husband hired one of his water-skiing buddies, Darren*, along with his partner, John, to take on the huge task of constructing a bedroom, bathroom, office and family room. The kids instantly took to Darren and John, and got in the middle of what they were doing at ever turn.

At the time we had begun the basement project, we were also putting a new IEP (Individualized Education Plan) in place for our youngest. Having received a new official diagnosis of Sensory Processing Disorder (both sensory seeking AND avoidant) along with social deficits in addition to her ADHD we had some major modifications to make. Especially challenging is the fact that she is allergic to all medications available to treat ADHD. Nevertheless, we worked with the school to begin managing her blurting out, storytelling (ie lies), excessive activity level and staying on task. At home, we were trying to decrease her impulsive hitting in response to dislikes while also increasing her siblings' sensitivity to her challenges. This was no small task!

Ironically, the building project was a physical mirror to encourage me with what we were and continue enduring. These kids are under construction! Just like Darren & John first had to frame the basement out, we've set in place a framework for our kids. We can trust in the solidity of that framework because it's based on God's wisdom and not our own. And without it, nothing else we do could be properly held in place.

But the construction doesn't end there. Raising our children only begins with the framework. Many, many details have to be attended to each step along the way, just as they were in our basement. Today it might be the plumbing (Special needs parents laughably often find THAT a source of frustration, in the literal sense!), tomorrow it might be the wiring, the next day it might be the drywall. Whatever it may be, that activity, experience or situation is a key component of the overall construction of our children's character.

One metaphor occurred during our basement construction that was especially powerful to me as a parent. Everyone knows how much people in the trades hate doing the mudding and sanding of drywall. Darren and John were no different. And I'm sure it didn't help when they emerged from the basement covered in drywall dust only to be laughed at by our kids and called Santa Claus by our youngest! The amount of detail and effort they had to put forth in every seam was astonishing to me. But after they had finished to their satisfaction and the walls had been painted, Darren was disturbed by one seam that was still too obvious for his liking. I gave him a hard time because he obsessed about it to the point where he almost came back on the weekend just to fix it. And the only way he was going to have any peace was to meticulously sand that seam again so it didn't show.

How very much like us as parents! People can assure us that are kids are doing great, that they're polite and well-behaved, but we know better. It still sticks out like a sore thumb to us. Children seem to save every bad behavior for and test every boundary at home. We parents see how many rough edges they still need sanded out, and we give it great attention. And like our perfectionist friend, we will have no peace until we get that worked out in these precious kids.

The next time you get discouraged, like I too often do, remember that these little lives that have been entrusted to our care are "under construction". They are a work in progress. And if frustrations come even to the best of builders, they will come to us as parents as well. But if we keep at it with attention to detail, resting if we must, but not giving up, our work will result in a beautiful structure just like the work of a master contractor.

*A special THANK YOU to the Ratzow Co for their outstanding work and patience with our not-so-typical family! E-mail us at snappin.ministries@gmail.com for contact information if you would like to speak to them about help with your construction project in Southeastern Wisconsin.

Be Care Little Ears What You Hear!

2011-03-22T16:03:00.000-05:00

You used to do these things when your life was still part of this world. But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language. Don’t lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old sinful nature and all its wicked deeds. Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him. (Colossians 3:7-10, NLT)

My son's fifth grade teacher has a reward program for her students called "Parra Bucks" (named thus after the teacher). When the children accomplish certain goals, engage in positive behaviors and get their work done, they earn these Para Bucks. However, when they have infractions of various kinds, they lose those Parra Bucks. This has great impact in that the students are allowed to spend those rewards each Friday afternoon at her "store" which is full of a wide variety of tchotchkes to delight every kid.

One recent school day, my son left school deflated. When I asked him what had happened, he revealed that he had lost his first Parra Buck in class that day. (I thought that was pretty decent for being three-quarters of the way through the school year!) He also confessed that he had lost the buck because he had blurted out a certain expletive in frustration. Unfortunately, it was an expletive he had heard at home... from ME!

A dear, godly friend of mine, Margo Fieseler often challenges both myself and other ladies in our Bible study with the reminder, What spills out of you when life bumps into you? Ouch! That is always a powerful admonition to me! And when my son came home with his aforementioned infraction, those words came to mind once again.

You see, good or bad, we are our children's main instructors. It is a proven fact that our kids will do what they see us do and say what they hear us say. While we often relinquish responsibility to schools and church programs, the majority of their life is spent with their primary caregiver(s). We're the ones who teach them to walk, to talk, to dress themselves, to problem-solve. Learning right from wrong originates with us, no matter what the cognitive or social abilities of our children are.

That being said, we can make a deliberate decision. Do we want to reflect God's glory? Or do we want to stand in dark contrast to it? Do we want our children to be a positive influence on everyone they come into contact with? Or do we want people to greet our children with a sense of dread? What sort of future adults do we want to leave behind?

Once we have answered those questions, a new one arises. How do we get it done? It starts as with everything, by spending daily quiet time in God's word and prayer. It's during that time that we learn what the Lord wants us to look like and confess our frailties to Him. We grow to know Him, his ways and his good desires for our lives by reading about those who have gone before us. We have His commands hidden in our heart. And we gain discernment and wisdom. But it doesn't end there, because we're human. We must also ask for the help of the Holy Spirit who lives in us, to take over, create new habits and strengthen us. Practicing these skills will also make them habit to us. So when life bumps into us, good spills out more often than not.

Watching what we say or do becomes less problematic when we have given ourselves over to being conformed more the likeness of Christ. Letting of go of those bad habits and less-than-favorable behaviors will probably take us the remainder of our days on earth. But moving in the right direction in ever-increasing measure should be our goal. And when it is, we can feel better about how we are managing the little eyes and ears that are on us, even at times when we are unaware.

Working Against Each Other

2011-03-08T09:45:00.000-06:00

"It's better to have a partner than go it alone. Share the work, share the wealth. And if one falls down, the other helps, But if there's no one to help, tough! Two in a bed warm each other. Alone, you shiver all night. By yourself you're unprotected. With a friend you can face the worst. Can you round up a third? A three-stranded rope isn't easily snapped." (Ecclesiastes 4:9-11, MSG)

Recently, my husband and I have begun some remodeling projects on our house. As the remodeling in one area was completed, all three of our children began to relocate into another bedroom. Before they could be moved, each bedroom needed to be painted. While I was fine with doing most of the painting, some physical issues rendered me in need of help on the final bedroom. I worked on the edging while my husband did the second coat of paint on the ceiling. I had asked him to work on the opposite side of the room that I was painting on so that we wouldn't get in one another's way, but alas, he didn't listen. To his detriment, he relocated the foot of his ladder right in my tray of red paint. And it suddenly occurred to me that we were working against each other rather than being a competent team.

I'm sure you can identify with this story I share. No marriage is exempt from these sorts of conflicts. And how many times do we work against each other as parents? Dad says "yes". Mom says "no". Mom questions the doctors. Dad prefers not to make waves. Dad wants the kids to gain skills for independent living. Mom overprotects.

What do we accomplish when we work in this fashion? Our results are probably not unlike the ones I describe with the painting experience! We become tied in knots over how to proceed with raising the children, educating them, getting medical care and preparing them for adult life. Not only that, when our children see us working against one another as parents, it ruins our credibility with them. We fail to provide stability. We no longer make sense. We certainly don't look like we know what we're doing.

So how do we overcome this obstacle that every marriage faces? Here are a few ideas:

Make God the "third" in your marriage! -- Praying together softens your spirits so that you more readily listen to one another and work together. The Lord also imparts wisdom to couples who lift everything up to Him in prayer. And, as the above passage states, that three-stranded cord is not easily broken!
Decide, what are your "hills to die on". -- As a twosome, you must realize that you can't always have your own way 100% of the time. Pick the issues that you absolutely cannot compromise on, and honor those issues your partner shares as well.
If you come to an impasse, meet with an outside party. -- A marriage counselor, educator or even physician can help you and your spouse reason to a point where one of you compromises. Facts presented by an outside third party can make for much better decision-making.
Define your position away from the children. -- When an issue presents itself, commit to discussing it when the children are not within earshot. Coming to a unified decision and presenting a united front to the children will only help strengthen your family.
Support one another when the kids try to divide you. -- It's the oldest play in the book. Your child gets one answer he doesn't like from you and attempts to get a different answer from your spouse. When in doubt, speak with your spouse, and make certain that your children know that whatever your partner says, stands.
Be flexible. -- Parenting and family life are not a static, even experience. Adapting to changing times and circumstances are essential to overall happiness. When new information becomes available, it may bear making some adjustments. Do so willingly, without having to be dragged into changes.
Be willing to humble yourself and apologize. -- Try as we might to get all of this right, in our humanity, we fail. I would say that I fail daily! Humility accompanied by an apology goes a long way towards healing a marriage and strengthening a family. Holding grudges only turns things toxic in short order.

Hopefully, just these few ideas will make small improvements as you attempt to work as a team of two raising your children!

An SPD/ADHD Vacation

2011-03-02T06:45:00.001-06:00

"Every good action and every perfect gift is from God." (James 1:17, NCV)

Any of us who take a vacation with a child who has special needs know that it can be no vacation at all for we, their caregivers. And our family's recent vacation to enjoy North America's largest cross-country ski race, The American Birkebeiner, was no exception. Making accommodations for our young daughter with sensory processing disorder and ADHD was especially challenging.

First, begin with packing. We need to make sure that this child can wear layers of clothes that won't drive her crazy during our many snow-centered activities. Do we have socks that aren't scratchy but will keep her warm during our hours outdoors? How about things that will help her with fidgeting or keep her attention during the trip? Oh, and don't forget the Epi-Pen and the inhaler! She'll need two swimsuits as well because one will have to be drying while the other is in use -- She'd never stand for putting on a damp swimsuit. It's a miracle I can fit it all in one suitcase!

Next, consider the car ride. This is five of the longest hours of our lives, hoping to keep peace between our youngest and her two older siblings. Being both sensory seeking and avoidant, she can barely keep herself from smacking her brother next to her while she complains of certain smells in the car. I ponder if I've brought enough low-sugar snacks and stimulating items to keep her content until our arrival at the hotel. Thank God, she falls asleep for a bit because sitting still for such an extended period without perpetual motion is nothing short of a miracle for her. When she's awake, we hear the same question at least every 30 minutes, "How long until we get there?"

By the time we reach the hotel, this is a nightmare, not a vacation! She's cleverly worn one of her swimsuits under her clothes. So while we're still trying to carry luggage into the room, she's trying to escape unsupervised to the indoor pool. Free of her four-wheeled prison, she doesn't hesitate to slap or scream to get her way with the beds or TV in our hotel room. Everyone is tired and at their limits of tolerance, so there's a chorus of complaining and anger. At this point, the beer we brought along with us is looking mighty attractive to me!

But God is a God of mercy and unanticipated gifts, so a surprise blessing arrives that evening. I grant our daughter's curious wish to visit the workout room adjacent to the pool area. There we find everything a girl with these disorders needs to become manageable. I stay with her as she tries out the elliptical trainer and the treadmill. While she's always been an excellent athlete, I'm shocked at how quickly she picks up the rhythm and speed of running on the treadmill. After she's gotten her heart rate up with every piece of cardiovascular equipment is in the room, she discovers the joy of weight-lifting. Pushing, pulling, lifting and straining with her arms and legs are just what this child needs! Her eyes twinkle as we get some water to finish off our workout, and she's far more agreeable to be with for the remainder of the night.

The following morning I don't even have to think twice when she asks to go work out with me during my daily routine. Although two other visitors arrive while we're exercising, I feel no need to explain why my proud eight-year-old is running on the treadmill. I sweat while she bounces from machine to machine. This is just enough to keep her out of trouble until we head into town for her 1K ski race.

Between the pool, skiing and that fitness center, this little girl thrives. I am so very grateful for the resources I was willing to explore for her while we were on this trip. There is no doubt that a child like this requires extra grace, but knowing what her needs are and what may meet those needs helps calms everyone's nerves, including hers! Keeping her attention through new, fun experiences brings more enjoyment. And recognizing that she has proprioceptive demands that can be met no matter where we are, simply by thinking outside the box, normalizes the vacation time in a strange sort of a way.

What a gift to have some alternate tools on our vacation! Especially since, in my hurried packing, I forgot the weighted blanket!

God of the Few?

2011-02-21T09:53:00.000-06:00

"The Lord isn’t slow to do what he promised, as some people think. Rather, he is patient for your sake. He doesn’t want to destroy anyone but wants all people to have an opportunity to turn to him and change the way they think and act." (2 Peter 3:9, GWT)

God had already put it on my heart to pen this post prior to something that happened to me this weekend. Many of you may be unaware of this, but in my "spare" time I have been deeply involved in legislative advocacy for people with bleeding disorders since at least 2005. I have spoken with many lawmakers, staffers and policy advisers on both the state and national level. I am deeply familiar with and unintimidated by Washington, DC, and my car knows how to drive to my state capitol in Madison, WI by itself. I have shared our personal stories of living with hemophilia as well as trying to share practical solutions to medical care issues.

For those who watch the news, you may be aware that this is a wildly historic time in Madison, WI. A new governor and his bold proposals have led to loud, crowded protests and contentious behavior at our state capitol. As you can imagine, that puts me in an interesting position. And I find several people getting in my face as I take personal stands on issues. Rhetoric ratchets up as people judge my Christianity in this process. And that's where the theme of this post is birthed.

You see, Jesus is blind to our politics. There was no one He wouldn't meet with -- Jew, Samaritan, rich, poor, well-behaved, rebellious, smart, frustrating. He put up with 12 guys who never seemed to "get it" in the 3 years they spent under his tutelage. He called a spade a spade, but loved anyway. He healed both friend and foe. He forgave with one of his final breaths.

So why is it that people think it's okay to assault the character of those with whom they disagree? When did we start to put a political view before personal relationships? Why must we dig in and not agree to disagree when we don't espouse the same solutions to problems? Why don't we ever seem to see that we may have the same goals, but believe in different ways to get there? When did we begin to think it's okay to not segregate a person's personal life from their work life - showing up at lawmaker's homes and harassing their wives and children?

When I arrived at church on Sunday, I found a copy of a letter in the ministry's mailbox from a leader who opposes my personal political view. Shamefully, it was left anonymously. However, I am fully aware that it was left by an individual who had been opposing me on my personal Facebook page.

I am always open to hearing the views of others and debating them personally. However, the ministry is one area where an individual like that dare not tread! SNAPPIN' ministers to black, white, hispanic, and any other nationality. We minister to Christians, Jews, Muslims and even one family that practices Wicca. We have helped extremely affluent families as well as those who live in rat-infested homes. SNAPPIN' is God's hand of comfort, not a political organization.

The bottom line is that Jesus is neither a Republican nor a Democrat! He believes in love for one another no matter what the beliefs! And to that end, there is NO place for such political assaults within the walls of the church and its ministries. It's not that the church should never stand up for what is right when it's in the political arena. We stand in favor of pro-life, and we also stand in favor of some forms of social justice. When we decide to bring our political smack-downs into the church walls, we fail to work together in obedience to the Lord. We no longer show the world that we are Christians by our love. We cease working shoulder to shoulder to advance the compassion of Christ. That's not okay!

Whatever your world view, please remember to love the person even if you hate their ideas. One of my dearest friends is the polar opposite of me politically. Although we don't agree on such topics, we both know that we'd walk over hot coals for one another. We affirm each others loving hearts. We, as a society, would do well to cultivate more relationships like this because frankly, God is NOT the God of the few, but God of ALL!

Don't Worry! He's a Christian!

2011-02-08T11:51:00.000-06:00

"So be very careful how you live. Do not live like those who are not wise, but live wisely. Use every chance you have for doing good, because these are evil times." (Ephesians 5:15-16, NCV)

You probably don't know this, but I am crazy about the game of football, especially when it comes to the Green Bay Packers. Since I was a young girl, this team has been front-and-center in my home every fall through winter. In my young adult years, I finally started to grasp all the rules and excitement of the game as one of my girlfriends dated a player. She explained some of the finer details to me while we watched him play a pre-season game in Milwaukee. Now I must confess, it is my one sports passion as I take out my pent-up aggression yelling at the TV each Sunday afternoon.

Knowing all this, it should come as no surprise that the Packers' Superbowl win was beyond thrilling to me! And I was a complete sponge soaking up all information Packer-related in the post-season. Of course, the press tries to feed the masses like myself information from every angle during these exciting football moments. Taking good from this notable occasion, the faith of players was focused on. One article I ran across in particular spawned some contemplation in me. In it quarterback, Aaron Rodgers shares his foundation as a Bible-believing Christian. The reader is left inspired by Rodgers' quiet strength in living out his faith.

While I enjoyed reading that my favorite quarterback shares my hope of salvation, the article still gave me pause. Another thing that you may be unaware of is the fact that I spent most of my adult career as an investment advisor. And when I would meet with clients at that season of my life, I would advise them, "If someone claims to a be a Christian-anything, don't walk - RUN away from them!" Yes, I was a committed Christian when I would tell clients this, but there was a serious reason behind it. In my job, some of the worst violations of ethics and decency I hat witnessed were committed by "Christians". In fact, one client I had actually rescued after they had been taken to the cleaners by an investment advisor, supposedly of faith, who eventually did jail time. Those touting their Christianity in the legal, accounting and real estate arenas were also some of the more unethical and abrasive individuals I encountered as well.

My point is this, revering or doing business with an individual simply because they claim to be Christian is nothing short of fool hearty. The statement that someone is a Christian should send us in two directions.

First, we need to examine what being a Christian really means. Does that mean a person is perfect and sinless? If that's what it means to you, you're bound to be majorly disappointed. I don't know about you, but I am a filthy sinner who needs God's grace every day to merely keep from killing my children! However, I do think that we naturally expect someone to live to a higher standard when they say that they're a Christian. Even at that, what that looks like to you may look different from what it looks like to another person.

Second, we need to have our radar on full alert when we're around someone who is making the Christian claim. Does the person display the fruit of the Spirit in their daily life? (See Galatians 5:22-23) Interestingly, this unrelated article came out regarding Rodgers after his Superbowl win. It affirms his gentle, patient demeanor even under pressure. Can we see that in others who make similar claims? We had an excellent surgeon on our Board of Directors who is a Christian. But I've seen others who identify themselves as such to their own detriment. Their behavior belies their words. I know a fabulous Christian psychiatrist, but I am also aware of others proclaiming to be such that I wouldn't let my dog near. Ethics, prayerful discernment and common human decency are just a few clues that we should be looking to for confirmation.

Aside from filtering that label when choosing a doctor or other professional to work with, we should continually examine it in ourselves. As I said earlier, I fall short continually. Even so, I call on my foundational faith as a Christian to keep from yelling at insurance companies or medical professionals who are causing me great frustration. I know that people, including my children, are looking to me for better conduct when I profess to carry around something brighter in my heart than the world has to offer. Unless we all rise to that occasion in living out our faith and looking for it in others, we will show Christianity to have little meaning in this life.

When Help Seems Distant

2011-02-03T12:03:00.000-06:00

"But we live by faith, not by what we see." (2 Corinthians 5:7, CEV)

There are times where we feel God so close that we realize that He's "as real as the nose on our face". (Don't ask... It's another one of my Barb-isms.) We see His movement in all of the activity around us. We experience the joy of watching as He cares about the every detail, orchestrating amazing things that are beyond coincidence. We feel the Body of Christ in a very real way as God works in and through people's generosity, assistance and vibrant fellowship.

It's times like these that we're meant to treasure up and ponder in our hearts. (See Luke 2:19) Not only do seasons like this energize us, they fill us to overflowing with hope. They are a little glimpse of heaven, the beautiful carrot being held out to keep this horse pressing on. And the memory of these times need to be stored up for the days when they are long gone.

You see, in an age where we become addicted to countless numbers of things, it is easy to become addicted to and to expect that sensation of God's close proximity to remain at our beckon call. When that feeling wanes, we can lose heart or buy into the lie that the Lord doesn't care.

But that passionate experience can often be the exception to our faith walk rather than the rule. The key is to get to know God through that daily reading of His word and speaking to Him in prayer. Then as you watch for His movement in the world around you, God's character becomes familiar to you.

This prepares you for those awful, seemingly-interminable, inevitable times when the Lord seems distant. When it seems as if your prayers bounce off the ceiling and your anguish matters to no one, it's clinging to what you know to be true that keeps you alive. Putting one foot in front of the other and just doing the next right thing in the sight of the Lover of your soul keeps you right where God wants you. It's an ultimate test, walking through the blackest night and still proclaiming in trust "I know that my redeemer lives,and that in the end he will stand on the earth."(Job 19:25, NIV) And sometimes you may not be feeling it, but merely going through the motions. That's okay. Lower your expectations of yourself.

God still rewards obedience. We display our ultimate trust of and respect for Him by merely continuing on as He asks us to regardless of what's going on around us. My friend Margo always says, "I know that I know that I know." In other words, she lives with the assurance of God's love and truth no matter what the circumstance. Just doing the next right thing, picking yourself up to return to the Father when you fall and holding on to that "true North" in the deepest valleys will lessen the blow of those tough times. Walking by faith and not by sight will give you a stability in this life and a joy in the next life that can't be found anywhere else.

Shaking My Fist at the Sky

2011-01-27T16:30:00.000-06:00

"Even if God kills me, I have hope in him; I will still defend my ways to his face." (Job 13:15, NCV)

Sometimes life isn't fair. I'm sure that's no revelation to you. If you're one of the many parents of kids with special needs who reads these posts, I'm sure you've come face to face with that reality more times than you care to. There's nothing fair about having a sick or overly-challenged child. While the rest of the world goes on taking their "normal" lives for granted, you are an up-close witness to chronic heartaches.

In the strong days of life, we can come to a place of acceptance of life's injustice and move on. We can even find joy in spite of the pain. However, when the frustration becomes too much, and the journey too long, anger can naturally creep up on us.

Humanity has never quite figured out what to do with that emotion. Anger scares us. Being on the receiving end, we shrink, recoil and get defensive. On the feeling side, we experience a whole host of corresponding emotions that muddy the waters. Are we entitled to our anger? Is our anger sinful? Will the source of the anger ever be resolved? Did we embarrass ourselves by feeling our anger? It's a struggle.

And if the One we're angry with is God, an extra layer of complication might be added to the whole situation. We feel guilty. After all, this is the Creator of the Universe who could squash us like a bug that we're directing these emotions towards! It puts pressure on our faith life. The zeal in our worship may wane. Hope in this life may fade and the weight of the world overwhelm.

Take heart! God has plenty to share and encourage us with regarding this complicated emotion. "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish?
My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest." (Psalm 22:1-2, NIV) Do you know who uttered those words? Besides the psalmist, David, having written them, at least the first verse was uttered by Jesus himself on the cross. (See Matthew 27:46) Do you think there's a hint of anger, upset or frustration in those words? And yet here they were uttered by a Bible great who was considered "a man after God's own heart" and the very Son of God himself! So even the elect feel abandoned, unanswered and at the end of their rope sometimes!

Proverbs 15:1-2 validates that there will be things that stir up our anger on occasion. Whether it's a harsh word from a doctor or teacher, lack of communication or relational health with a spouse, or simply the fact that we have to run to the hospital one more time, anger is an appropriate reaction.

However, Psalm 4:4 tells us that we should not commit sin in our anger. In other words, how we deal with the anger is what can be good or bad. Of course, we know when we lose our temper, act in a vindictive manner or hold on to a spirit of unforgiveness we're not dealing with the anger well. But when we flee to God in prayer, sharing our tears and frustration, persisting in seeking His presence in the situation then we're getting it right.

Realizing that God is big enough yet tender enough to handle our anger is an amazing gift. We don't need to repress those emotions. We just have to keep following hard after Him, asking for His help. And we can be assured that our eternal salvation is not at peril because of struggling through anger with God. He tells us in Romans 5:6-10 that He loves us so much that He died for us even while we were still sinning against Him, not before we were cleaned up. Amazing! In fact, we were His enemies. I daily struggle with imitating that!

I don't know what may be causing your anger today. I myself have had an 18-year unresolved trial that has stirred up some anger towards God in me recently. But we can keep trying to work it out with God knowing that even if we feel this anguish, there's no One else who is our Hope.

The Sandwich Generation

2011-01-18T05:48:00.000-06:00

“Stand up in the presence of the elderly, and show respect for the aged. Fear your God. I am the Lord." (Leviticus 19:32, NLT)

If difficulties came in single incidences rather than their typical clusters, life might be more manageable. I know I am not alone in that thought process! This, in fact, may be exactly what birthed the saying, "When it rains, it pours." Life does not happen in a vacuum, and because of that truth, we can often become a stressed mix of ongoing challenges.

Like so many of my peers, I find myself in the mix of "The Sandwich Generation". What this means is that I'm in the throws of caring for young children while also caring for elderly parents. The hallmarks of this season of life include running to help parents with things they are no longer capable of while also running to help your own offspring with their many demands. It can entail mowing your parents lawn and then running your child to little league; driving parents to appointments followed by attending a school program; visiting mom or dad in the hospital and getting home in just enough time to help with homework; cleaning their rain gutters one day and taking the kids clothes shopping the next. It is a season that can be difficult to treasure.

Attempting to handle this juggling act with grace is surely a challenge for anyone who encounters it. But add to the mix of this scenario a child with special needs, and insanity surely can't be far behind! The tug from these different directions and the expectations that accompany can be overwhelming.

Even so, there is hope. Let me share a few thoughts on managing the sandwich generation with your sanity intact.

For starters, have a talk with your spouse and kids. Since your first obligation is to them, lay out the situation before them in a way that they will understand. Explain that everyone will need to pitch in together in order for you to be able to help your parents. Impress upon them that they need to make you aware of any important dates or deadlines so that you can be there for them. You may have to ask your spouse to step in on occasion for doctor's appointments or other duties you typically handle. You may have to ask the children to cooperate with the way your spouse does things versus they way they are accustomed to doing them with you. While challenging for the family, it may be a great opportunity for each member to grow in responsibility and self-sacrifice.

Speaking with your spouse and children may lead you to examine and clarify your boundaries. (If you're a regular reader, you KNOW that I love the Boundaries books by Drs. Cloud & Townsend!) You need to determine how much is too much when it comes to caring for your parents. You also need to know how much your spouse and children think is too much. Some people feel comfortable with having elderly parents move in with them, while others are fond of hiring a cleaning lady and meals-on-wheels to help their loves ones. What will absolutely do you in is the conflict of you wanting to be at your parents' side most of the time while your spouse feels you should be home more. It can also become a major problem if your parents expect you to be on call for them at all times when you have other priorities with your child. Living a sizable distrance from you parents may only add to the strain. It's essential that you work out what your limitations are before it becomes a problem and not after.

Of course, admitting that you can't do it all means that you will have to enlist help in caring for your aging parents. This in and of itself can become contentious as adult siblings quarrel over who does most of the work and who is most readily available. Unfortunately, each individual tends to think they're the busiest. But having a child with special needs can often take you out of the equation. One remedy might be working through a set schedule or being willing to hire professionals (cleaning service, lawn service, food delivery, medical alert service) if the funds are available. Also, don't be afraid to ask neighbors, friends or your parents' church to pitch in if your are in need of other alternatives. In enlisting help, you need to come to a place of acceptance that you can't always be there.

You will need to become flexible in the area of expectations. Being in this position will require you to put aside your inner perfectionist. A person cannot do it all and do it well. Both your parents and your children can be taken care of satisfactorily without everything being flawless. Remember that it's just a season of life, and it will not last forever. Also, remember that your parents may not be where they once were mentally or physically. Letting go of certain things or acceptance of their lot in life may take quite a bit of time. Don't let it ruin your day if your parents complain that things are done to their liking. It may be the one piece of their lives that they still feel they have control over. Offer them compassion rather than succumbing to irritation.

Furthermore, you will have to work with them on their misgivings. Things can't be as they were 20 or even 10 years ago. A gentle detailing of the demands on your life may be necessary in order to confront your parents' assumptions regarding your involvement in their care. You may have to literally spell out in detail what care of your special child involves. Most grandparents, while loving, have no idea how taxing the average day with a special needs child really is. And while even the best explanation may not accomplish what you want it to, it's important to let your parents know what they can and cannot expect as far as your involvement. Once you have done that, move forward in peace, sticking to those boundaries.

All of this being said, do realize that your family of origin may be calling on you because you possess a certain level of expertise in managing medical issues. This may sound burdensome, but it's really your opportunity to shine. Because of your experience with your child's special needs, you are competent in deciphering medical language, treatment options, logistics and insurance coverage. You may be extremely busy with your own children, but you could make a major difference in the quality of your parents' care by sharing that knowledge. God doesn't give us these life experiences so that we can keep what we gain to ourselves! (See 2 Corinthians 1:3-4) When you are able, share your concerns, insights and opinions with both your parents' and your siblings.

Finally, come to a place where you can be resigned to the fact that life is what it is at this phase. It's not fun on so many different levels. But sweet moments are still there to be cherished. Make it your mission to look up from this challenge and find the humorous, heartwarming and memorable times while they are still there. This will give you the stamina to carry on with the demands at hand, and help you to be left with gratitude that you were able to be there in some way for your parents before they left this earth.

*For more insights on caring for aging loved ones, read Cherish the Days or other books by Martha Evans Sparks.

Anatomy of an ADHD/SPD Baptism

2011-01-10T06:01:00.000-06:00

(Photo by Thom Jewell Photography)

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” (Matthew 19:14, NIV)

A parent dreams from day one of their child's life how they would like that child to turn out. Countless books and resources flood the market to help us steer these kids through everything from sleep to studies to good decision making. We do everything in our power to be a positive influence on how our children develop, but at some point, their lives and their decisions must become their own.

This can be especially challenging in the area of faith. I know what I passionately believe, and I want more than anything to be with all three of my children in heaven some day. Just like God, it is my desire that none of these children be lost. To that end, I have taught and raised them in our Christian faith not only through church programming, but in homeschooling and in practical teachable moments.

Much to my delight, my two older children came to a decision to invite Christ into their lives at a young age. They had favorite Bible verses and announced them proudly at their baptisms. Each of them had come to me and asked me how they could have Jesus live inside their hearts. After being certain that each of them had grasped exactly what that meant, at their request, I had guided them in "the believer's prayer". Shortly after that point came their baptisms. I had full confidence in their decisions and have continued to guide them along the way in the years that have followed.

My youngest daughter, however, has not been such an open-and-shut case. She came to me like the others did, about a year or so ago, asking the same question, wanting to have Jesus live inside of her. I guided her to the point of "the believer's prayer". But despite that prayer, I seriously doubted her conversion.

You see, in case you didn't already know it, our youngest child has a serious case of ADHD that has been unsuccessfully treated due to her severe drug allergies. She was also recently diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), being both sensory avoidant and sensory seeking in every area but one of those evaluated. When you combine a child who is impulsive to the point of her exuberance overriding her ability to reason with one who reacts in unusual ways in order to compensate for senses that don't work the way everyone else's do, you have quite a mess. What I see on a daily basis is a little girl who is constantly touching others, crying, ever-moving and who delays obedience, if she complies at all.

So when she began hounding me over being baptized, I frankly put her off. I told her things like, Oh, yeah, we'll have to look into that. Then when she began hearing at various times of year that our church would be offering upcoming baptisms (because she's so darn intelligent), I began apologizing, saying that I had just forgotten to register her. Then when she started stomping her feet expressing her feelings of injustice as to why she couldn't get baptized when every other family member had, I got up the courage to tell her the truth. I explained that before I could move forward with such a faith commitment, I needed to see some "fruit" in her life (ie love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, self-control). In other words, I confessed that I hadn't contacted the church because I needed evidence that a conversion really had taken place. She certainly didn't like my answer, and she never acquiesced in requesting to be baptized every time she knew they were being done at our church.

One day I was talking to my friend, Dr. Steve Grcevich on the phone about another issue. Since I know he has expertise in the area of ADHD and ministry, I asked him what he had thought about our Sophie continuing to request baptism. He asked me why I had not allowed her to be baptized up to this point. And when I explained my reasoning to him, his answer to me cleared every cloud away and opened the path for this eight-and-a-half year old girl to realize her wish. He opined, "Well, did you start producing fruit the minute you invited Jesus into your life? If you think she understands what she's doing, then I think you should let her do it!" It made so much sense, I felt embarrassed. Here most Christian parents would love to have their child make a commitment of faith, and yet I'm denying my daughter the opportunity.

As I pondered this whole situation further, it broke my heart. Coming to understand some aspects of both her ADHD and her SPD, I realize there are some behaviors that she just cannot control without much work and retraining. Can you imagine willing to follow Christ and yet, being unable to keep yourself from some socially unacceptable actions, feeling like the "naughtiest" sinner in the world? What sadness I felt when the neuropsychologist announced that her testing revealed that she thinks, "I'm a bad kid," "Nobody likes me," and "I don't like myself." It became apparent to me that she needed that positive experience of baptism and the growing confidence of knowing that no matter how much her disabilities mess with the rest of her life, she is secure in her Savior. He made her. He loves her. She is forgiven through Him. And He can recycle her difficulties for amazing good.

Two weeks ago, they made that announcement again that they would be offering baptisms on the second Sunday in January. This time when my eager little girl asked if she could be baptized, I had the joy of telling her "yes". Her happiness was palpable. She began planning who she wanted to be there and how we would celebrate.

To their great credit, Crosspoint Community Church, who has supported our ministry since day one, was very open to allowing a little girl with such challenges be baptized. The Pastor of Spiritual Development, Dan Morse, whom I've known for years, spoke with me by phone before the event to make sure Sophie was ready for this big step. He listened intently and with good discernment as I explained the whole journey to him. I was overjoyed when he not only agreed to move forward with her baptism, but also suggested that my husband might join her in the baptismal pool and help baptize his daughter. Whether he knew it or not, that was a terrific insight!

This definitely wasn't the "typical" baptism that I went through with my other two. Despite her high level of intelligence, she didn't have a favorite Bible verse that she wished to share, but rather wanted to announce, "I want to be baptized because I love God and I want the whole world to know!" Fancy, traditional clothes were out of the question with her SPD. And she was so excited that sitting through the service was virtually impossible as her body needed to move or have strong physical input in order to feel comfortable. Nevertheless, she has driven her stake in the ground, telling the world where she stands. And we couldn't be more overflowing with joy that it's on the side of Jesus!

Creating Order in a Chaotic Life

2011-01-06T08:15:00.001-06:00

"God is not a God of disorder but a God of peace." (1 Corinthians 14:33, GWT)

Aside from getting the fitness bug every January, it seems many Americans make the resolution to get more organized. Whether it's dealing with all the "stuff" of Christmas that becomes less "cozy" and more "cluttered", or scrambling to find everything we'll need to complete our tax returns in the next few months, people suddenly get the urge to purge and tidy otherwise messy lives. And that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Not to scare you out of your mind, but have you thought of what would happen to your child or children if something happened to you? Would someone have easy access to all that is needed to care for your offspring in your place? In a less-than-worst-case scenario, how do you coordinate all the records and communications needed between doctors, therapists, dentists, educators and insurance companies? And could the daily functioning of your household just run more smoothly if you could easily locate what you need?

The fact is that the better organized we stay with our child's records, the less stressful and more pleasant life will be for all of us. Here are a couple of ideas to help you along the way:

Whether it be a 3 ringed binder or a system like Information in a Box, having all of your child's important papers in spot will only help you stay on top of the documents needed to acquire the aid and services that would most benefit them.
Adding to any system a "Getting to Know My Child" letter that documents all of your child's likes/dislikes and other idiosyncrasies will assure that someone can carry on doing things just the way your child prefers if you are out of commission for some reason. It can also be helpful with daycare, babysitting or school as well.
Another fabulous way to stay organized is to maintain a free CaringBridge Website detailing your child's progress. Aside from the fact that it allows friends and family members to keep current on your child, it can be referred back to for record-keeping purposes. It is tremendously efficient in that you only need tell the story once in order to spread the word.
Of course, the "Cadillac" of all systems would have to be Parlerai. This computerized system allows you to coordinate all of your child's care in one centralized web site.
What about planning for transitions? Lifecare planning has become an entire specialty unto itself these days. Why not plug into the expertise of people like Gwen Faulkner and her Special Needs Road Maps. This will help take your child from cradle to grave with proper legal and financial planning set in place. (See also our October & November, 2009 issues of SNAP SHOTS for a terrific overview!)
Aside from the critical documents, how about organizing your child's items for easy access and ready comfort? Lorna d'Entremont describes in detail in her blog how to organize a personalized sensory box. You could adapt this to kids who do not have sensory issues, but who find comfort in the ability to quickly locate their favorite items such as adaptive tools for writing, eating or sleeping.
Merely having a designated bookshelf where you can readily reach for favorite resource books on your child's given area of need, your favorite devotional books that bring encouragement or the best bound directories you use will lessen your stress when a need for that information arises.

The bottom line is that we parents who are caring for children with special needs tend to fly by the seat of our pants more often than not. We use the demands of our lives to excuse us from getting things well-organized in our homes and our lives in general. While adaptability is key, continual chaos is not God's will for our lives! We must be deliberate in making time to sift through things and get them in place for easier access. It isn't just going to happen on its own. The further we delay this process, the larger and more anxiety-filled the situation becomes. When we make that time to tidy things piece by piece, we will find that the God of all comfort brings us peace in a simple way that otherwise never would have occurred to us.

*Need some encouragement along the way? We LOVE Joan Celebi's OVERWHELMED NO MORE!

*Save money on organization tools & have part of your purchase going to supporting this ministry when you designate SNAPPIN' as you charity of choice at GoodShop.com.

MY HOPES FOR THE NEW YEAR

2011-01-03T17:40:00.000-06:00

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." (Hebrews 10:23, NIV)

While it's estimated that only 40-45% of Americans make one or more New Year's resolutions, the turning of the annual calendar is intrinsically a time of great hope. A person can't help but look to the months ahead with promise. It's like getting a fresh start at life with endless possibilities every 12 months!

As I pondered this time of year, I ruminated on what I'd like to see happen in 2011, especially in regards to this ministry. For those of you who don't know the SNAPPIN' story, the organization was formed as a result of God's calling, not my personal endeavor. It is missional rather than vocational. I truly believe that the Lord has sent me to do the work we do here, and that is what keeps me going.

However, I will admit to you that this is often a very thankless job. In a culture where people are looking for feel-good causes, largely centered around children, ministering to those who care for the children often goes unsupported. Aside from working hard to get people outside of the community to catch the vision, donate or volunteer, there is the heavy work of lifting the downtrodden to a place of hope. Convincing parents that God cares about them and their children, connecting them to resources and training them to become empowered but courteous advocates is no small order!

Even so, if only people could see the tears of joy from the families I connect with when they realize that they're not alone, perhaps they would be as motivated as I am in this high calling of mine. If people could only see the huge difference small acts of kindness to these families make, maybe they would stop paying lip service, roll up their sleeves to help and end my frustration. I stilled haven't figured out what it would take for empathy to click on in people's heads, imagining if they were in a similar position with a challenged child, unable to attend church, feeling isolated. If the church could only see how much fun and how close to the glory of God including these families in every aspect of their programming is, perhaps scoffers would begin thinking that we actually believe what we say.

What are my hopes for the new year? My eager wish is that people would talk less and serve more, realizing we're ALL busy, but many hands make light work. I'd like to see people put their money where their mouths are. Fewer platitudes and more donations would prove that believers actually understand that they are only stewards of the good gifts God grants them. It would be terrific to have more parents spreading the word that there's help out there and that the Lord is sending His love to them in very tangible ways, adding to our numbers and ending the isolation of even more parents. How amazing it would be if this year churches actually started getting over their discomfort and sought out para-church ministries like ours to learn how they can be doing more to include kids with special needs and their families!

There are more dreams that God has placed on my heart that I cherish. They are big dreams, hopes of larger national influence and working shoulder to shoulder with others as we laugh and cry in the mission of transforming minds. But those larger visions will never come to fruition until both the church and the "tolerant" public actually live what they spout off about, understanding that each human person deserves encouragement, respect and compassion. May God bless us all with forward movement in this area in 2011!

An Avoidant New Year

2010-12-30T18:02:00.000-06:00

Wake up, O Lord! Why do you sleep? Get up! Do not reject us forever. Why do you look the other way? Why do you ignore our suffering and oppression? (Psalm 44:23-25, NLT)

While it's traditional to begin the New Year with resolve and anticipation of a fresh start, I've determined to stick my head in the sand. After a completely overwhelming past four months, I've committed to giving myself a break.
I am already weary. Ten years of parenting a boy with a severe bleeding disorder, five of which have included post-traumatic stress disorder and related anxiety are enough to do me in alone. But I also have wrestled with raising a very energetic little girl with a smorgasbord of what I commonly call "alphabet soup" for the past eight years as well.

The past four months have been a time where we have really been put to the test. After sending our son to hemophilia camp with his older sister this summer, we thought he had finally conquered some of his giants. Not only was he gaining some self-assurance with being away from home for a week, but he also gained calm and confidence learning to infuse in every aspect except for putting the needle in his own vein. I had the delight of seeing my old boy back again -- the one who was joyful and not owned by traumatized emotions. However, less than a month later, as sometimes will happen, we blew a vein while infusing. Unfortunately, it was all downhill from there. Since September, we've been dealing with a renewed round of psychotherapy and psychiatrist appointments with new medications. Despite sedation, infusions have become so terrible that we have ended up in the local emergency room, unable to subdue him for the infusion between the two of us. We're making the slow climb out, but we measure progress in centimeters rather than in strides.

Meanwhile, an alternative therapy in August for our multi-allergic youngest daughter resulted in her behaviors becoming more pronounced. We made the attempt with this therapy because in addition to being allergic to every antibiotic class but one, she has also reacted to the three ADHD medications we've attempted to use. Prior to the August therapy, I had seen many signs of sensory issues in my youngest, but figuring it was the least of my problems, I made some minor adjustments at home and ignored the rest. (Are you seeing a pattern of avoidance here?)

However, once school began in September, it became obvious that things were taking a sharp turn for the worst. Ostracized and teased by her classmates, our daughter's quality of life was quickly deteriorating. She became the one who was annoying to other children and wasn't invited to parties. Her sensitivities increased as I became unable to even touch a hairbrush to her head. I knew from my work with our families that I needed to get moving on diagnosis and treatment for our girl. In other words, the sensory issues got shuffled to the top of the pile.

With the help of an excellent school district and terrific connections around the country, our daughter had multiple, multiple tests with the speech therapist, school psychologist and occupational therapist. Additionally, she went through testing with a neuropsychologist who coordinated everything with the school. The final conclusion? We discovered that our child's ADHD is vastly complicated by her inability to take any medications for her high level of impulsivity. While she can focus and attend to things, her exuberance overrides her ability to reason. Furthermore, the occupational therapist resoundingly confirmed her diagnosis of sensory processing disorder. You know it's not good news when a specialist says, "Most children don't fall so conclusively in the 'definitely unlike peers' area, but your daughter did in every area but one".

So I have some work to do. I have wonderful books to read and websites to explore. There will be more pouring of myself into these children and their emergent needs. New habits will have to be formed on my part. And creative problem-solving will have to become my "new normal".

But not now. Not when it was everything just to get this family to the holidays. Every inch of me was required to keep the kids relatively calm and happy as they encountered all that rocks their world in December. It was all I could do to not start crying every time my son wept over his life with hemophilia. I had to muster all that was positive to usher my own worn-down children into the sunnier side of life that they were blessed with during the Christmas season.

Don't ask me to be a grown-up now! Stop pushing me to become the resident expert on yet another diagnosis. Let me read novels rather than all of the information that will equip me to take my kids through this next phase. I'm plugging my ears to what I hear going on! I want a blissful, ignorant bubble bath where reality doesn't bite so hard!

I'd better get this avoidance over with quickly. The IEP meeting to put interventions in place is in five days!

And So THIS Is Christmas?

2010-12-22T07:54:00.003-06:00

"Better a dry crust eaten in peace than a house filled with feasting—and conflict." (Proverbs 17:1, NLT)

"Peace will not come to our world unless it first comes to our hearts." ~ Stan Toler in ADVENT MOMENTS: Preparing your Heart for the Coming King

Round about this time of year, I'm ready to turn of my cell phone, pull the land line out of the wall, delete all my e-mail messages and fly away to a remote island. Why? One word: CONFLICT. Sad to say, but it seems that the holidays bring out the wacky in everyone. If it's not one person sharing their stress of getting everything done and majoring in the minor, then it's another close to me bringing up old grudges. Besides the dysfunction that radiates from my own family of origin, I get friends and parents from across the country sharing their toxic stories as well. This one is critical of what's being served for the Christmas meal. That one's hurt about where you're going to spend the day. This one is obsessed with something that took place years ago and can't let the holidays pass without mentioning it yet again. That one makes snide remarks at every family gathering they attend. Is it any wonder that police get more calls for domestic disputes during this time?

It saddens my spirit and makes it heavy, contemplating the notion that God surely wouldn't want us to celebrate the earthly arrival of His only son in such a fashion. Humility, self-sacrifice and relentless love were the hallmarks of Jesus life, so how does this insane para-holiday behavior reflect such characteristics? And how do we get through this ugliness when we have little control over others?

The answer lays in part in the December 12, 2010 post on joy. First and foremost, boundaries have to be set. What's your tipping point for putting up with the bad behavior of others? Set clear lines on what you will and will not tolerate as far as comments or actions with your spouse or immediate family well before you get together with them. Be willing to be firm but gentle in enforcing those parameters with people during your gatherings. If it's important for you to spend Christmas morning or Christmas Eve with just your immediate family, then state such and don't yield to any pressures to do otherwise. In fact, it may be calmer to plan with your spouse or kids how you intend to spend the holidays in October or early November.

Second, realize that Christmas is NOT about you! There are many people other than yourself involved in the celebration. It doesn't always have to be your way. Resign yourself to a gathering that is going to be nothing like what you'd like it to be, but put a time limit on it. Once you've made your appearance and graciously acquiesced to another person's wishes, carve out what you'd like to have as your own special time. It always cracks me up to see how we get fixated on needing to have certain things done on certain days. There's definitely more than one day to celebrate! And did you realize that more than likely, Jesus wasn't even born around Christmas Day anyway?

Third, learn not to engage when tempers flare. The Book of Proverbs has at least 7 entries describing the foolishness of a hot-tempered person and the wisdom an even-tempered person. If another person tries to draw you into a tussle, explain, "You know, I think it would be better for all of us if we talked about this after the holidays." When you find another getting under your skin with offensive remarks or actions, let it slide off of you and just shake your head. Don't let the emotions control you or undermine your observation of the Savior's birth!

Finally, accept the fact that you're not always the easiest to live with either. Each person has their own foibles and shortcomings. If they didn't, Jesus would have had no need to launch His rescue mission to save humanity. I often joke with my husband, "We're lucky we have each other because no one would put up with either of us!" Viewing ourselves in a more humorously self-deprecating way makes it a bit more manageable to "Love one another as I have loved you." (John 13:34)

As Christmas comes to a crescendo, it is more important than ever that we fix our eyes and our temperaments on what really matters lest we miss the whole purpose of the celebration. Learning to cope with the inevitable conflict in gracious ways that imitate the Babe in a manger may be the best gift we could give all year!

Advent Week 4: LOVE

2010-12-19T09:09:00.000-06:00

This is what real love is: It is not our love for God; it is God's love for us. He sent his Son to die in our place to take away our sins. (1 John 4:10, NCV)

Here we are at the final week of Advent. And if you're anything like the typical person, you're feeling your stress rising as you see Christmas closing in. There may still be presents to be purchased and wrapped, baking to be done, cards to be sent or programs to attend.

Interestingly, the focus of this week is love. How appropriate that this theme draws all the other previous three together. It is in meditating on the enormous love of God that we find hope, peace and joy. And what a love it is!

I think that no other group of individuals can come close to relating to the Father's love for us quite like parents of children with special needs. Our job is so often a thankless one. We hear our children cry out for
help just as Jesus did from the cross, and in a much more heart-piercing way than in the average family. We parent someone who society so often rejects, just like they did God's only Son. We not only parent a child, but are often a nurse or technician, going through strict procedures or routines that others could never fathom having to do. That can even venture into the arena of the disgusting, like having to deal with the toileting issues of older children or other wonderful bodily functions. And then there can be the behaviors that stand in great defiance of our love. I know that I have been hit, spit upon and told by my child that they hated me, and yet I still love. We go through these things which are a strong reflection of God's love for us.

And yet, He loves us even more. I so often tell parents who are worried about their children to remember that God tells us that He's numbered every hair on their heads. (Luke 12:7) Even we as concerned parents haven't done that! God also tells us that He keeps track of our every tear. (Psalm 56:8) I don't know about you, but there are times when I have to tune the crying out!

God's love for us and for our children is beyond our fathoming! Even the most loving person I know would never have their child take the punishment for some ungrateful law-breaker. And I think Paul sums it up perfectly in Romans 8:32, "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" (NIV) This love is so lavish, so abundant, so extravagant that we are truly missing out on something if we don't take the time to bask in it this time of year.

If you are parenting a child with special needs, you have many demands and stressors on your live. Make time, even if it's only 15 minutes before or after the kids are in bed to relish the love your Father has for you! Sit in the quiet glow of your home and think on what you've read here. Nestle in to the comfort of knowing that nothing here on earth could touch the immense love of your Creator. He's with you in every step you take and will see you through to a glorious finish!

I leave you with a tiny Christmas gift -- A link to help prime the pump of meditating on God's love:

What Wondrous Love is This
Lyrics by Alexander Means, Music by William Walker
What wondrous love is this, O my soul, O my soul!
What wondrous love is this, O my soul!
What wondrous love is this that caused the Lord of bliss
To bear the dreadful curse for my soul, for my soul,
To bear the dreadful curse for my soul.

When I was sinking down, sinking down, sinking down,
When I was sinking down, sinking down,
When I was sinking down beneath God’s righteous frown,
Christ laid aside His crown for my soul, for my soul,
Christ laid aside His crown for my soul.

To God and to the Lamb, I will sing, I will sing;
To God and to the Lamb, I will sing.
To God and to the Lamb Who is the great “I Am”;
While millions join the theme, I will sing, I will sing;
While millions join the theme, I will sing.

And when from death I’m free, I’ll sing on, I’ll sing on;
And when from death I’m free, I’ll sing on.
And when from death I’m free, I’ll sing and joyful be;
And through eternity, I’ll sing on, I’ll sing on;
And through eternity, I’ll sing on.