TMI

"You listen to the longings of those who suffer. You offer them hope, and you pay attention to their cries for help." (Psalm 10:17, CEV)

I did it again the other night -- The classic "over share". I said a little too much about how our son was doing and about what life was like with him on that challenging day.

Shortly after our baby was diagnosed, my husband and I shared a reaction that we began to detect when chatting with people. We both noticed how someone would ask how the baby was doing, but then would glaze-over when we started sharing sincerely from our hearts. It was hurtful at a time when we just needed someone to listen and let us talk through our grief. Their demeanor belied their words. Though they asked how we were doing, their behavior made it seem that they really didn't care.

We had the great fortune of having a social worker available to us as part of our son's comprehensive care. When we shared with her how disheartening it was trying to discuss our son's hemophilia with anyone outside of our medical providers, she mentioned that they might be suffering from a type of "compassion fatigue". She said that it probably wasn't that they didn't care, but that they had heard so much and didn't know how to help. It was then that she talked to us about building a good support network where we could share our trials and griefs with others who would listen and understand. Little did we know then that this type of support would take years to build.

Certainly, you've been there too. The sting of people who dismiss what you are saying or can't find time enough to hear your challenges, only adds to the weight of what you carry. In this day and age, the saying "TMI" (standing for "too much information") indicates that the listener has heard much more than they care to. It shuts down the one speaking and quickly extracts anyone who would be forced to listen to them. Every parent who faces the ups and downs of caring for a child with special needs has experienced the TMI reaction, leaving them feeling isolated from time to time.

The great news of hope is that there is One who will never tire of listening to us! Without much digging, I can easily cite at least 15 verses in the Bible that describe how God listens to us. Isn't it amazing that the Creator of the entire Universe even considers listening to little, ol' us?! No problem of ours is too big or too small for Him to be concerned about. He cares so deeply for us, and shares our burdens. In fact, He not only listens, but also empathizes! In Hebrews 4:15 we hear how He was like us in every way except for sin, so He knows all about our troubles. We can pour out our hearts to Him any time, anywhere and know that He is close to us.

If you're anything like me, sometimes you need a little more than a God you are unable to see, feel or hear in the physical realm. He is so loving and gracious that He knows our limitations and deep need for relationship with others. So in His infinite mercy, He brings others who we can connect with. He often does His work through these people. We need to do our part. The Lord isn't going to magically produce someone to stand in our bedroom as we lay there in fetal position feeling sorry for ourselves. But if we put a little effort into it, we can find ourselves blessed with others who are walking the same road and need someone to listen also. Sometimes these friends can end up being the life line we need when we are at the absolute end of our ropes because they have been there. They get it. And while they will pray in faith with us and point us to God's word, they will also joke at the repugnant and recognize our frustrations.

What an awesome Savior we have! He did not make us to bear our burdens alone, but hears our every cry for help. He is a relational God and not one of putting on a false happy face. He allows us no burden that He will not help us to bear. And when we need to be heard, the thoughts springing from our hearts are never TMI to Him!

FRAGILE! HANDLE WITH CARE!

"Singing cheerful songs to a person with a heavy heart is like taking someone’s coat in cold weather or pouring vinegar in a wound." (Proverbs 25:20, NLT)

Most days, I go through my life with a grateful heart. Despite the fact that our family bears many burdens and a seemingly disproportionate amount of trials, I am ever-aware that we could be living in some 3rd world country, homeless, poorly-clothed & starving. Nevertheless, no person is at the top of their game every day. We all have days where we're worn out, fed up, sad, angry or confused. I try to be transparent on days like this, so other parents know they're not alone in their journey. There is something strengthening about knowing that others can identify with our challenges.

Inevitably, on those days, there's always the individual who thinks it is their duty or God-given right to set you straight. There are the comments like, "It could be worse...", which only manages to discredit and minimize your valid struggles. And then there is the, "God doesn't want us to have a pity party...", which is usually not backed-up by any sort of biblical truth and takes on an air of spiritual superiority. Worst of all are the accusations of "Maybe there's some unconfessed sin in your life that hasn't been dealt with." Far from helping, any of these glib remarks can sting and even throw kerosene on your fire! Be assured, none of them are truth from the mouth of your Savior.

Here is truth to equip you the next time an ignorant, albeit well-intentioned person comes at you on a down day. First, when you are having a rough start, crack out your Bible and dress for the occasion. Ephesians 6:12-18 describes the full armor of God to protect you from hurtful and false things people throw at you on these days. When people say ridiculous things like, "You're too blessed to be stressed," let those flaming arrows bounce off your shield of faith.

Second, know that God's word is PACKED with admonition of how people are really supposed to treat us on those weak days. In Romans 12:15 (NIV) we're told, "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." Galatians 6:2 (NIV) says, "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." The list of quotes from God's word could continue on. In his book When Bad Christians Happen to Good People: Where We Have Failed Each Other and How to Reverse the Damage, Dave Burchett brings to the reader's attention that we get Christianity so wrong so often because we miss that the heart of Jesus' message is love. It is not too much to expect that others would demonstrate God's tenderness and mercy when you're not feeling your strongest.

Third, know that there are big names in the Bible who have struggled just like you. In Exodus 17:11-12 we see that Aaron and Hur helped Moses by seating him and holding up his arms when he couldn't, so the battle would be won. In 1 Samuel 1 we see how God was patient and merciful with Hannah, granting her the child she had long desired. In 1 Kings 19 Elijah runs for his life and becomes greatly discouraged. While he is weak, God nourishes him tenderly and equips him for the journey. When people behave in such ways towards you, welcome them in and accept their blessings. The rest, tune out as so much useless noise.

The other day, I had another mother say to me, "God never gives us more than we can handle - Now THAT'S something you never hear people say in the first person!" Remember that too often, most people who have not walked your journey lack the ability to comprehend your difficulties. Perhaps on days like these, we should all just walk around wearing labels like I see on our shipping boxes, "Fragile! Handle With Care!"

Reinforcements Required!

Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed. Rescue the weak and needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked. (Psalm 82:3,4, NIV)

Let me this entry by humbling myself with an apology. After ministering to parents of children with special needs for nearly a decade, I must confess that this is the first devotion I have written about or for single parents. It hasn't been for lack of concern. There has never been a time where I haven't had a heart for the enormous weight that single parents bear. Frequently, my husband and I have plopped down frazzled and exhausted at the end of a day asking one another, "How do single parents do this?" So I pray that I can adequately visit this topic with readers now.

It may come as no surprise to you that the divorce rate is significantly higher in homes where a child has special needs. There can scarcely be greater heartache than to not only lose your dreams of a healthy, "normal" child, but then to also lose the person you hoped would be your partner for life. The withdrawal, blame, apathy and dumping of one spouse on another leaves the recipient feeling battered with self-doubt. Once the split is made, that strife between former husband and wife has to be overcome to the extent that care of that special child still needs to be worked out and maintained. The constant head-butting can tear apart a parent's insides for certain!

With all of this in mind, what does life for the single parent need to look like from the view of both the one undergoing the turmoil and the community that surrounds them? Let's begin with what we need to be offering to these parents, especially if we call ourselves Jesus-followers.

Clearly, God mandates in His word that we are to help the weak and the weary. With the prevalence of divorce in this current culture, we can too easily overlook the need for help. Because a child who is medically, emotionally or cognitively challenged can multiply that need 10 times over, our keen sense of observation is required. We need to get our heads out of our own immediate little goings-on, pausing long enough to see the heavy burden of these families.

Simple acts of kindness can go a long way to offer comfort to a single parent. Something each of us can easily give is the gift of an encouraging word. Being isolated with nothing but needy children, these parents don't receive that affirmation of another adult voice in the household. You might express, "You're doing a great job with your kids," or "I can see how much energy you pour into your child - you're remarkable!" While it may not seem like a big deal to you, words like that can be just the thing a person needs to get through a rough day.

Other gestures of mercy can include offering to take the kids in order to give a much-needed break. Driving the children to or from school, clubs or social events can be a helpful gift to a parent as well. And a meal for no reason at all can be that unexpected blessing that reassures mom or dad that they are valued and not abandoned.

Aside from these small ways of reaching out, the biggest kindness could be offering a listening ear to that parent. Withholding judgement, not trying to fix problems, but just allowing that person to share what's on their heart is lovingly generous. After all, who does this person share their frustrations or burdens with at the end of a work day? Who do they get to bounce ideas off of?

For their part, single parents need to do some things that they may not want to do. Realizing that people are oblivious to anything outside of their immediate, daily life, a parent without a spouse needs to make others aware of what they need. Expressing to others how they can be of help to you will bring relief in both directions. Patiently educating people who have not walked a mile in your shoes will not only be of help to yourself, but it will also help other single parents who come along after you. Trying to be a hero or a martyr by handling the challenges of parenting children, especially one with a special need, does no one any favors.

Ultimately, God made us to be social beings. We are to look out for one another. Help each other through the ups and downs of life. When we obey the command to "bear one another's burdens" (Galatians 6:2 ) we make a better world for all of us!

Play to Finish Well!

Never give up. Eagerly follow the Holy Spirit and serve the Lord. Let your hope make you glad. Be patient in time of trouble and never stop praying. (Romans 12:11-12, CEV)

This morning I felt a heavy conviction as I read the story of a biblical king, Asa, who started out his reign well, but finished poorly. This was a man who had a grasp on what was important and dedicated himself to it. He trusted God in the most impossible of situations. Later, he even rallied the people he led, to commit themselves with zeal to doing the right things. However, he blew his whole legacy by becoming lax, taking his eyes off the goal and doing horrible things to people.

My conviction comes in seeing how easy it would be for me, for any of us, to be an Asa. We start out with our hearts and heads in the right place. We have passion at the "buy-in", but droop when it comes to consistency. We begin with resolve and often trade it in for apathy.

I even find that this can be true of my parenting. I see a behavior in my child that is unacceptable. Identifying the need to reshape that child's character, I seek out all the necessary tools to accomplish my goal. Still, the weariness of the daily battles makes me chose comfort over character. My children can too easily dissolve into a path of unstructured apathy.

Medical struggles can put me off track too. Following through with therapies, treatments and medications can appear to be the "magic bullet" when I begin them, but when no easy outcomes appear, routine vanishes. I can resolve to stand up to medical professionals and therapy providers knowing that I have a good strategy that I'm comfortable with. One extremely weak moment can then find me rolling over to what I'm being pushed to do by those who are certain that they know better than I!

I don't want to be an Asa. There's no joy, no accomplishment, no glory in being flaccid. And when friends call my attention to my shortcomings, I want to have a teachable spirit. So I need to find ways to finish the race well.

There are some ways that we can end up at our intended destination when completing the rat race of life. First, decide! You know that every worthy goal starts with a decision to end up in a certain place and a commitment to get there. Measure the cost of your resolution at the outset. Don't start something you have no intention of finishing. It not only ruins your credibility with others, but also with yourself.

Second, do everything within your power to keep your eyes on the prize. Whether it is resolving that you will treat your child's diagnosis without the use of prescription drugs or determining that you will make certain your child is included in a Sunday school program at a local church, don't get sidetracked from what you are attempting to accomplish. It's probably not news that writing down the goal and steps you'd like to use to implement it results in a more favorable outcome.

Third, surround yourself with encouragers. One has to wonder what sort of people Asa was surrounding himself with that made him fall off the wagon after so many years of faithfully pursuing God's plan for his life. I, for one, could not make it through most days without the storehouse of individuals who believe in me and admonish me to do what is right. When "the committee" of doubt convenes in my head, there is nothing like a person walking side-by-side with me to snap me out of the self-accusations.

Fourth, refill your cup! No human being can keep focused when they are worn-out, stressed-out, poorly nourished and isolated. God made our bodies and minds in a certain fashion. We deceive ourselves and implode when we think we can circumvent those God-given needs. Whether it be taking time to read a book, going out with a friend or enjoying a hobby, renewal will energize you to get back in the game.

Wrap all of these things in God's word and prayer and you have an unbeatable combination for standing your ground. In the end, it's not the one-hit-wonder, the flash-in-the-pan who leaves their mark on the world. It is the one who persists, who continues putting one foot in front of the other, heading in the right direction even if they fall down once in awhile, who makes it to the winner's circle.

WORDS FROM THE WISE

"Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts." (Colossians 3:16, NLT)

I was recently speaking at a disability conference where I had an opportunity to meet a number of new leaders in the community. The discussion arose as to what a toll raising a child with special needs takes on a marriage. "I've been to therapists. I don't need another therapist! I need a mentor!," exclaimed a mom when offered free psychological resources by a fellow-leader.

Days later, I was in a chat room discussing similar issues with other parents of special kids when a mom mused, "I get more out of this group than I do from hours at a therapist!" I mentioned the mentoring comment by the mom at the conference. To my surprise, one of the other participants hadn't heard of the mentoring concept in the framework of parenting.

There's no doubt that the Lord loves that model of mentoring. Time and time again, we see characters in both the Old and New Testaments taking others under their wings. From Joshua and Ruth, to Timothy and Titus, God favors the passing on of wisdom from one individual to another. It's that person who has walked a mile in our shoes, but who is just a few steps ahead of us that can be an invaluable resource.

So what should a mentor look like? Here's a little acrostic to help:

• M odel - A mentor should model behavior and techniques that the mentee would aspire to. For example, if a parent is having difficulty with having a reasonable family life with a child who has ADHD, they would want to connect with a parent who is modelling the type of family life they'd like to have. So often, valuable tools are more caught than taught. Modelling shows an effective method in action.
• E ncourager - The mentor can relate to the mentee's feelings of defeat or inadequacy. Cheering another to the finish line can often be the only thing that helps us to hang in there on difficult days. In the Christian context, pointing the mentee to God's promises and stories from the Word that mirror our own experience can be a great lift.
• N ot Out To Impress - The mentor is willing to be transparent, to share their own struggles, to discuss how they got through a similar challenge. A mentoring situation cannot work if there is going to be "window dressing" or acting as if life is under control at all times. A mentor is most useful by being vulnerable themselves.
• T eacher - Explanation, referral to resources or introduction to other friends can render the mentor a wonderful instructor. How often do we joke that we need classes & a license to drive a car, but there is no school & license to become a parent? When a mentor comes alongside another person, the student becomes the teacher and learning gets passed down the line.
• O vercomer - Mentors are individuals who refuse to throw in the towel and walk away from a trial in defeat. They know God has a plan for their lives and that their struggles can be recycled for good. They hold tight to promises like Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." The mentor is on the other side of a situation or has learned to thrive in the midst of it.
• R elying On God - The mentor knows their own limitations. In their humility, they realize that it's the Good Lord who got them through trials that were too big for them to manage on their own. They point the mentee to a wisdom that is beyond the human. And they pray for God to direct them as they mentor that fragile student.

Oh, how rich is the value of that mentoring experience! It may be another couple that helps you and your spouse to adapt to the unique struggles you face. It may be an individual who has a listening ear and a heart for what you're going through that points you in the right direction. I personally grew from parents who went before me in the overwhelming world of raising a child with a bleeding disorder. I also feel I could not have made it through without a woman who was my "big sister" all during my youngest child's high-risk pregnancy. Those people are still dear to my heart as friends today.

If you are in need of the lift of another person's valuable life experience, I encourage you to seek out a mentor today! If you have made it down some rough roads in life, why not use that to bless another by mentoring them? Either way, it can be one of life's greatest gifts.

*For more information on connecting with a mentor, contact us through our website at www.snappin.org

We All Need A Good Threshing?

"His threshing fork is in his hand, and he is ready to separate the wheat from the husks. He will store the wheat in a barn and burn the husks in a fire that never goes out. " (Matthew 3:12, CEV)

In the midst of our modern society, I have to ask you, are you familiar with the process of threshing? Nowadays, we have high-tech farming implements that complete the task, but it's been a part of agriculture since antiquity. Threshing is the painstaking process of crushing wheat or another crop to separate the grain from the inedible part of the harvested plant.

In biblical times, and even now in less mechanical cultures, the threshing was followed by winnowing. This was accomplished by tossing the crushed product up in the air where the waste was blown away and the edible portion fell to the ground for gathering up. It was a method of keeping the good and eliminating the undesirable.

So why do I think it's worth your time to read about the process of threshing and winnowing? This is worthwhile because it is a great analogy for the work God is doing in each and every one of our lives, if we let him.

Although I've read it numerous times, God awakened me to a fascinating fact in His word. In 1 Chronicles 21:20-28 King David bought the threshing floor of Araunah to offer a sacrifice to God. This sacrifice was costly to David, and was made in repentance for disobeying the Lord. When David's son, Solomon, became the king, the temple was built on the exact spot of that threshing floor (2 Chronicles 3:1). The very Holy of Holies, the very place considered to be the dwelling place of Yahweh on earth, embellished with elaborate gold was built over the place where the good grain was separated from the undesirable chaff.

Is all this coincidence? There is no such thing in God's economy. Look in the Bible and you see countless references to farming and nature. The Lord uses practical examples to reveal spiritual truths.

How awesome is it that when man comes into God's presence, the process of separating the desirable from that which must be eliminated begins to take place! The pieces of our lives that are not like Christ -- selfishness, pride, addiction, gossip, all sin -- are removed one by one, painstakingly like the grain from the chaff. The good is gathered in. Growth in wisdom, fostering of godly friendships, charity, kindness, generosity all expand as we draw close to God.

Still, this is a crushing process. For parents of kids with special needs, the heartache, the finances, the physical weariness, the medical procedures, the battle with schools and the seeking of justice in society are all part of this painful sifting. And it costs us dearly. Like David, we come to the Lord paying a high price.

Nevertheless, just like the Temple, our Father is uniquely equipped to turn something agonizing into something of immense value, covered in pure gold. Only Jesus can use our hurts to create something beautiful (see 2 Corinthians 1:3-4). How many times have our children's difficulties been used to touch another life? Watching our faith-filled struggles can bring others to an encounter with God. Respectfully fighting for changes in society can make the road smoother for other families. Even medical staff can be touched by watching our lives and how we move through them with the help of our Savior.

Persevere, my dear friend! It may not be fun to endure, but threshing is creating something beautiful in you. As we move through each trial with reliance on the Holy Spirit to help us keep the good and throw out the bad, we look more like Jesus. (See 2 Corinthians 3:18) And He's MUCH better looking than any of us!

SHAKEN TO THE CORE

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. (Psalm 46:1-3, NIV)

I urge you to read Psalm 46 in its entirety before going any further.

Not believing in coincidence, I find it a powerful meditation that I read this psalm when a horrific 7.0 earthquake flattened the nation of Haiti. Suffering, shock, desperation and hopelessness leave these poor victims of circumstance wondering how life will go on. Life has changed abruptly and forever. The anguished look in the eyes of survivors cry out for help.

On a smaller scale, each parent of a child with special needs has experienced their own "earthquake". With their world turned upside down at diagnosis, families are shaken to their core, left with many of the same emotions as victims of natural disasters. Glad to be alive, yet wondering which end is up, parents are often initially "paralyzed" in shock. Mourning over a life that will never be as they had hoped, parents are in need of comfort and help. A crisis of faith occurs, and adjustments need to be made. A new course of action needs to be taken.

How does a human soul ever turn such stress, such tragedy into an occasion for God to be glorified? Simply put, that soul trusts and obeys.

God graciously builds our trust by providing us with His Word. In that Word, we see over and over again promises made and kept. He proves Himself trustworthy.

When we trust, we acknowledge all that we are not and all that God is. We are not in control. He is. We are weak and vulnerable. He is strong and sovereign. We may be unaware. Yet, He is ever present, never sleeping on the job. And when we admit He is worthy of our trust in the midst of crises, we calm ourselves a bit and strengthen all who see us.

God's grace comes into play with obedience as well. It can be much easier to obey someone who proves themselves trustworthy. (Of course, some of us are so stubborn, we'll rarely obey.) And when we fail in the obedience department, He gives us countless "do-overs".

When we obey, God promises His blessings. I often think obedience is really a manifestation of the trust we have in our Savior. And to obey, we do need to quiet ourselves and let God be God. (Psalm 46:10) We need to neither be spiteful about our circumstances nor manipulative about outcomes. We need to walk with the comfort of knowing that He has our best at heart.

All this taken into consideration, a quiet inner peace is possible in the midst of the storm. A joy can be present in the midst of heartache, whether by earthquake or illness. And I am greatly encouraged by the knowledge that Jesus is the unique recycler of tragedy. Only He can turn something as ugly as our deepest sorrows into something unimaginably beautiful! If we allow Him, He can turn us into walking, talking, living examples of that.